Chapter 10 - Beer, The Drink of the Gods

Merlin finally ushered us into a formal dining room, still talking non-stop. I'd always thought Kelly at the bar was bad, but this guy never shut up. I suppose fifty years with no guests could do that to person.

In the middle of the room there was a huge table set with the finest crystal I had ever seen, outside of a museum. All the plates and silverware even matched. I had never seen that anywhere before except for at Joe's All-Night Diner, and their stuff was all plastic. I usually just eat from the wrapper or the can, myself. The room itself was beautiful, all covered in velvet and gold with super thick carpeting, but what captured my immediate attention was the food.

There was turkey and ham and potatoes and three kinds of pie, including peanut butter, which was my favorite. Best of all, there in the middle of the table was a huge pitcher of that wonderful golden brew, complete with frosted crystal mugs. I now had proof that beer was the drink of the gods.

I quickly pulled up a chair and started to chow, reaching over the table and helping myself to all this glorious food. I had already eaten two drumsticks and swallowed my first mug of beer when I noticed that no one else had started eating yet. Stopping in mid chew, I looked at Lana and Merlin, who were sitting across from me, staring.
"Don't you know it's not polite to stare?" I said as I was trying to swallow that last mouthful. I really didn't mean to spray those mashed potatoes all over the pretty tablecloth; it just sorta happened.

Lana looked horrified at first, then started to laugh. I knew she still loved me. All women like a man who can make them laugh and this woman seemed to laugh every time she looked my way. Merlin just looked at me and said, "Young man, don't you know you are supposed to say grace before eating? I took so much time to prepare this fine
meal for you and you don't even have the decency to give thanks before you devour it. What has the Earth come to?"

"Oh, is that why you all aren't eating yet? Well then, Merlin, allow me to do the honors. I learned this one on Grandpa's knee." Bowing my head solemnly as the occasion called for, I gave them my best heartfelt rendition of Gramps' favorite prayer.
"Good Food, Good Meat, Good God, Let's Eat." I finished with a rousing "Amen" and a loud burp, just like Gramps had taught me.

Merlin just shook his head. Lana was laughing, but they both settled down to eat and I reached for seconds. "Damn, this is great food, Merlin," I told our host appreciatively. I hadn't eaten a meal this fine in a long long while.

"Where did you learn to cook like this? How did you manage to have it cooked in time for our arrival?" I was careful this time and didn't spray food anywhere.

Merlin paused in his eating, looked kind of sheepish, and told us the story of how he took up cooking as a hobby, way back when. "Four-hundred years ago I decided that cooking was going to be my life and after my wife of that period died, I opened a little restaurant called Chez Merlin. I worked hard creating new and exciting dishes everyday. I never repeated a menu and became well known throughout the countryside. One day the king's messenger came to request my presence before the king. There was no way I could refuse an audience with the King, I had grown rather fond of my head and my life by that point. I closed up shop and went forth to my new career as chief cook for the king. He really liked my cooking, but then I accidentally poisoned him. That poor Hamlet got all messed up, blaming his mother and his uncle. I decided I better get out of there quickly before someone found that patch of mushrooms I used in the king's supper.

As for how I knew when to have it cooked, that was the easy part. I have been watching your ship come closer to me for the last day and you've been pointed straight at me the whole time. It wasn't that hard to figure out someone was coming. I just wasn't sure who, and I certainly wasn't expecting Earthlings dressed in table cloths. Remind me after supper and I will get you some real clothes so you won't look quite so ridiculous when we wake up everyone else."

The thing about poisoning the king made me worry for a second. "Uh....you didn't put any mushrooms in the stuffing, did you?" The old guy just laughed and said, "Don=t worry, Jordan. I learned to be more careful after that. And besides, everything we grow here in the hydroponics garden is safe and all the meat is checked thoroughly when it's either synthesized or run through the recycler."

"Synthesized? You mean like those replicater things on Star Trek?" I asked Merlin, answering a question Lana had asked earlier. I wanted her to know I was up on old, canceled t.v. shows, too.

"Well, I don't know about Star Trek. I have never heard of it before. Was it some sort of science experiment in matter replication?" Merlin asked, his giant blue eyes shining with interest. "I didn't think you humans had advanced that far in the last fifty years. I was surprised that you achieved space flight and truly amazed when you managed to put a man on the moon. Tell me, Jordan, just what did these Star Trek experiments prove? Did they go where no man had gone before or just fizzle out and turn into nothing?"

I was in way over my head, since I had always thought Star Trek was just a t.v. show. So I just sat there waiting for some answer to come to me while I shoveled food into my mouth to keep from having to talk. Lana saved me when she explained to Merlin that Star Trek wasn't a science experiment but just a weekly t.v. show created by a man named Gene
Roddenberry. She went on to explain that in the show there were little machines in the walls of their spaceships that could turn any sort of matter into anything else, as long as it knew the molecular structure.

"Yes, just like that, Jordan!" Merlin answered, clapping his hands together with a new look of excitement on his face. "Gene was one of us, you know. I can't believe he finally managed to pull it off. He kept trying to convince the counsel that you humans would be much better off and less violent if we gave you the technology to master space travel. They kept telling him no. So, he finally resorted to television fantasy," Merlin said, smiling wistfully and shaking his head.

"How about that! He always claimed that t.v. was going to be the death of intelligence in America. I do find it humorous that he created a show to give you scientific facts and you never even guessed what was really going on. Must have really annoyed him when you didn't get the message. What is old Gene doing these days? He always was one of my best friends." He asked staring directly at me.

Well hell, I thought, his best friend was dead, and I sure wasn't going to be the one to break the bad news. I'm just not good at that sort of thing, so I moved right on ahead to the next subject, as if I hadn't heard.

"Okay, but what do you mean by recycled? What does that mean?" I asked as I shoved a large spoonful of potatoes in my mouth.

"Well, not everything can be replicated and you have to have matter to make matter. On a space voyage there is not enough room to pack all the matter needed to feed hundreds of people. If you could, we would just pack food. To make up the difference, we use all the waste products produced on board to maintain our food supply. We run everything through a recycling system to make sure the waste is free of any contamination or disease producing organisms. Then we turn it into the delicious nutritious food you have there in front of you. Did you actually think I was raising turkeys and pigs somewhere on the ship?"

"Well uh..." I could feel my stomach churn as my throat started to water.

"Please tell me what happened to Gene," Merlin begged. "I need news. It seems like I've been here forever, and with no one to talk to but myself."

I couldn't answer him as the thought of recycled waste was making my stomach feel like it does when I've had one too many tequila shooters. Now it was my turn be ill. I spit my mouthful of potatoes and butter onto my plate and made a dash for the nearest door. Even I had enough manners not to puke at the dinner table. Lucky for me, the nearest door happened to lead to a bathroom. It took several minutes to get out all the food I had consumed and just the stray thought of what I had been eating would send me into another round of dry heaves. Finally I was done and feeling worse that I had since I started this whole adventure. Not to mention the fact that I was hungry again.