Jordon and his Adventures with G.O.D.

Dedicated to Stupid Men everywhere and the Women who love them.

All characters in this book are used in a fictional setting and while there may be some relative truth this is a work of fiction and should be considered as such.

Prologue

First Reformed Church of Manchester
Internal Church Memo: Island Discovery
To: All High Council Members
From: Archbishop Harley, Internal Security Division

My Dear Brothers In The Lord,

As you have no doubt heard by now, Dr. Harold Smathers, one of our most famous missionaries, has discovered a small uncharted island in the Pacific Ocean, when his sailing vessel crashed there two weeks ago.

Dr. Smathers believes that a document found on this island is vital to the security and continuance of our church. After reading the document, which he sent me through our embassy dispatch in Hawaii, I tend to agree with him.

You all know of the many exploits attributed to St. Jordan over the last 1,000 years. This document contains what I believe is the genesis of both St. Jordan and our church. If this document is real, and I believe it is, then we have some serious thinking to do and much work to accomplish in the next six months before we celebrate the return of our Lord, at the end of our promised 1,000 years of peace since the Rapture.

I personally find the information contained in this document to be both faith shattering and strengthening at the same time. I am at a loss and can not make further decisions without the input of you, the leaders of my faith.

At next week's council meeting we will be discussing the ramifications this document has on our church's future. Enclosed is a copy of the manuscript for your immediate reading.

Yours forever in God,

Archbishop Harley

Chapter 1 - Till Death Do us Part

Chapter 1 - Till Death Do us Part

It seems like only yesterday when my world, boring and mundane as it was, came to an end. I died. It was actually kind of cool. After all, dying is not an experience one could soon forget, no matter how much one may want to. Believe me, I have tried to forget and to make it back to the world I grew up in many, many times over the last several years. The only thing I have learned from my efforts is that there is no going back.

My name is Jordan Hunter. I live in a small town in Oklahoma, or at least I used to. All I can remember anymore is wheat fields. Miles and miles of golden wheat fields, forever haunting my dreams. That and the clouds that brought giant thunderstorms that ravaged the land, flattened the wheat fields, and stranded poor cows on top of telephone poles. But, getting back to my death, which is the whole reason I am telling you this story anyhow. I was standing on my front porch relaxing, leaning heavily on the one column that had yet to collapse. I had just finished drinking the first of my after-work beers and was gazing wistfully at a tornado touching down far in the distance. Now, while twisters aren’t exactly unusual in Oklahoma, it was strange seeing one in December. Tornados usually only happen in the spring. I don't remember there ever being a December tornado in my lifetime, before that fateful day. At the time I figured it must have been the El Nino getting in one last good storm. Anything is possible in Oklahoma.

I was just standing there all peacable like, shot gunning my beer, amusing myself with visions of the damage being done to someone else's fields, when all of the sudden another twister formed directly over my house and sucked me deep into its bowels. That was unusual. Normally there is a little bit of notice before a twister sucks you in, a loud noise at the very least. Something to give you time to lock yourself in the basement or jump in the nearest ditch.

The moment of my death was marked by the traditional bright tunnel of light, and a horrible icy chill that covered my body. A timeless moment on the cusp of forever. The bright lights of my death were those of a spaceship located at the top of this particular tornado. The cold was from the freezing rain and hail pelting my poor tender body as I was sucked up into the vicious circling clouds. Halfway up the cyclone from hell, a large transparent bubble came out of nowhere and surrounded me, protecting me from the weather as I flew upwards through the center of the maelstrom. Just before I was smashed head first into the bottom of the spaceship, a small portal opened before me and I was hurtled aboard the ship, darkness enveloping me.

When I finally got the courage to open my eyes, I realized I must have gone and kicked the bucket. I didn't even remember dying and I dang sure didn't feel dead. But it had to be the truth, I just had to be dead. Cause standing there before me was a rolling lawn of green, which ended in a large set of, (you guessed it), Pearly Gates. There were angelic-looking guards wearing huge fluffy white wings standing to the side of a longhaired old man in a white flowing robe with a shiny golden halo floating over his head. I was really thinking I had hit the jackpot this time. You have to admit if ya got to go, then heaven is the place to be.

Too bad they gave me a stupid job and sent me back. Okay, so it wasn't a stupid job. It was a good job, even what you all might call an honorable one. But it was still a job and I never did like working much. Besides, this one didn't turn out at all like I expected and it has lasted longer than any one man is supposed to be alive, much less work for a living. You'll hear more about that later.

On the other side of the massive golden gates, behind a set of really big chains and several padlocks, stood a row of beautiful half-dressed women, all a smiling and a waving. They helped confirm my theory that this was heaven. The old man with the floating hat finally noticed me walking toward him. He had been poking at something that looked like one of them new palmtop computers. I never did understand how a man could use one of those things. The buttons are so little and the instructions only came in Japanese.

"Oh, that's just wonderful! We weren't ready for processing yet," he muttered towards the sky as he turned towards me and growled. "Young man, why are you here? Are you trying to ruin my day?"

I must admit, being a regular Christian and all, (I was even an acolyte until I burned down the church one Easter Sunday - they should know better than to hang drapes over the candles is all I have to say), I really expected a much more polite greeting when I reached my final reward. I thought being rude to the man in charge of letting people into Heaven was probably not a good idea, but his attitude rubbed me the wrong way, so I told him about it.

"Mr. St. Peter, Sir, I didn't ask to die," I tried to explain as respectfully as possible. "It's not like you all asked for my opinion in the matter. You just sucked me up, in a tornado no less, and you didn't even have the decency to let me bring my beer." My complaints didn't seem to faze him in the slightest.

"You didn't die you fool, you were Raptured. Same ending, big difference in processing. Raptures are supposed to be grand things, not showing up here alone days before you were supposed to." he said shaking his head. "Don't you want your trumpets and the giant worldwide spectacle we had planned? Must there always be one person who can't follow a few simple rules?"

"I don't know," I told him staring at the women behind the gate. One winked right at me and a few others were beckoning me over. "I always kinda figured dead was dead. I don't particularly like trumpets, but them women over there look mighty nice. Since I'm here, do you think I could just go on in and talk to them for a while and maybe sneak a kiss or two?"

"No, you may not!" he snapped back at me. Like the question wasn't proper or something. It's not like I started the waving and a winking . . .

"I have to call and get you sent back," he went on gruffly. "They aren't going to be happy in Ops. Not happy at all. I am not sure what they are going to do with you. They may just decide to stash you somewhere until the big day."

"Exactly when is the big day, huh.?" I questioned cautiously. I didn't like the idea of being stashed for a long time. A short time with them women over there might have been fun, but if they were just going to hide me somewhere for weeks by myself, it could get pretty boring. I've been talking to myself for years and the conversation was never that good.

"Why, on the Millennium, of course. Can't you read ? We left you the book, with instructions I might add, telling you all about it. I suppose there could have been some confusion with the way you humans have altered it. But, that is not our fault. You shouldn't have let the scribes drink so much wine when they were copying. All we see on your t.v. waves is church, church, church. Don't you have one of those t.v. things in your house?"

"Of course I have t.v.! What real American doesn't? But I don't watch church on t.v. I watch sports, like a real man," I announced proudly, strutting back and forth across the lawn and performing the wave.

"Besides," I asked him, "Aren't you guys a little late? We were waiting for you a few years ago. How could you have missed the party? Hell, they even sunk a cruise ship for it."

"Young man, we cannot be responsible for your race’s failure to practice proper timekeeping. You’re the ones that allowed the Roman Kings to change the calendar whenever they needed a new holiday. If you had paid attention to the news instead of MTV, you would have realized this."

"I would never watch MTV. CMTV shows more tits and I never did understand Rap music," I replied, deeply offended. This guy was getting annoying. Who did he think I was?

I'd always thought St. Peter would know everything about me when I arrived. This guy didn't know diddly squat, and I was seriously doubting his ability to judge who gets into heaven. Maybe it was time for God to hire some new help and retire this cranky old fart. That something bad is about to happen feeling started settling through my gut. I had to make sure I was going to get to come back. After all, Heaven has got to be more fun than the alternative.

"So I'll get to come back in three days. Is that what you're saying?" I asked, trying to act cool and collected; not wanting ole Pete to know how scared I was.

The old man consulted the tiny computer looking thing, nodding his head in agreement. "Yes, that's right. Three days."
I leaned forward over the old man's shoulder to try and see what he was doing, but he snapped that thing shut and held it close to him. "The Ops people say they want you to do them one teensy weensy favor to get back in since you came too early. After all, it was not our fault you showed up too soon. We are the minions of G.O.D. and we don't make mistakes," he remarked rather huffily, drawing himself up to an impressive height. I hadn't realized he was that tall. Course, it could have been me shrinking into the lawn.

That sick feeling was getting worse.

"Well maybe it was an act of God that brought me here," I shot back, figuring I had nothing to lose. "It was certainly an act of someone. Tornados don't usually suck people into spaceships. Or maybe they do, but you would think I would have at least heard rumors down at the Sale Barn if that were true."

"Highly unlikely. He is not usually that involved. St. Peter replied but then he got this look on his face like maybe he was wondering too. "He has actually been kind of quiet lately. There are those in the Arch Angel Corp. that think maybe he has lost it." St. Peter said this last in a whisper. He kept shuffling his feet and glancing worriedly back at the gate. Guess he was thinking that God might be listening in.

"Exactly what do you mean when you say you think God has lost it? What happened to all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing?" I asked in my normal tone of voice. I didn't see any reason for me to whisper. It's not like I was questioning God's sanity. Only an idiot would do something like that.

"Well," he answered, still whispering, "G.O.D really is all those things and quite a bit more. It is just that lately he has been using his powers for some very strange things. He seems to be interested in a particular spot on your planet and we need to know why. So we are going to send you there and let you find out what he's up to for us. We angels of the A.A.C. have to keep up with what's going on and he is just not the most informative G.O.D in this universe," he replied, sighing heavily. "Sometimes I think he forgets we exist."

"At any rate here is your transfer," he said, handing me a flimsy little piece of paper stamped "Good For One Return Trip to Heaven." St. Peter sounded more than a little miffed with the boss man. I didn't think angels were allowed to get mad at God. Except for Lucifer and his friends, of course.

"Please note it is only good for one trip back," he went on. So do try to find what we need. I would hate to have to leave you on Earth if you were supposed to come with us."

I didn't want to give up my only chance at Heaven, so I stuffed my ticket to Heaven into the front pocket of my slightly damp, ass-hugging, Wal-Mart Rustlers where I knew it would be safe. I had just pulled my hand from my pocket, which is hard work with jeans this tight, when the whole world spun around. I was cold and then hot, out cold, and then awake and plunging into a small lagoon from higher up than I would have preferred. I had just enough time to realize I had no clue where in the world I was being dropped when I hit the water in a screaming belly flop. Damn that hurt; it hurts just remembering it.

Anyway, I eventually floated to the top in agony and rolled onto my back so I could catch my breath. I was still struggling for air when a huge wave crashed over me and thankfully, (I think), carried me to shore. After crawling up the beach to get out of reach of the water, I did the only thing I was still capable of. I fell asleep

Chapter 2 - Out of the Frying Pan

She was blond and stacked, my two favorite things in a woman. She walked slowly towards me, her hips swinging from side to side. Her breasts danced in the sunlight, nipples brown against her skin as I reached out to take her in my arms. Her luscious red lips inched closer; they brushed against me, sending shivers of lust through my body. I held her tightly, pressing her mouth against mine. Our tongues intertwined in the most passionate kiss I have ever had.

Suddenly, my mouth began to fill with grit and this sharp pain started shooting down my side. My beautiful blonde was walking away. Desperately, I leaped to catch her and woke up face down, with a mouth full of sand and a small girl of about six standing beside me, digging her bare feet into my side.

"Quit that," I mumbled spitting sand, as I tried to roll over and get my bearings. It took a few minutes for my mind to remember what had happened, then a few more to convince myself it really did happen. My head felt as big as a
watermelon in July. Shaking it gently to get rid of some of the cobwebs, I sat up and took a look around. The girl, still standing next to me, staring at me as if I was going to turn into a monster or something. Thankfully she was keeping her feet to herself, so I ignored the little urchin and studied the rest of my surroundings.

In front of me was the ocean, of course, and to either side of me the beach went on for as far as I could see from this position. Behind me was a very dark and nasty looking forest. The kind with vines and creepers running everywhere, so that you can't see more than six feet in before it turns completely black. It did not look like a place I would have chosen to visit. Why couldn't I have landed someplace with a Hilton or even a Motel 6? Better yet, maybe this is a dream.

A guy can hope can't he?

Okay, so it wasn't a dream. I was here, somehow, some way, I was here, wherever here was. It was time to get the old trusty thinking pile working and find a way to get somewhere else . . . If ole Pete was right and God was playing here, he obviously did not want me to intrude and since God ranks over an Angel, I thought I should just build a signal fire and wait here on the beach to be rescued. A boat or plane had to pass over the island eventually, and my return pass into Heaven hadn't survived the dunking, so what did it matter if I helped the Angels or not? The bottom line was I didn't want to play with a God who was playing on this island with that nasty forest.

I could always fish while I was waiting to be rescued, and there had to be fresh water somewhere close or the forest wouldn't be here. Of course, I suppose God could have put in the forest without the help of fresh water, but I sure hoped he hadn't. No, I couldn't allow myself to think about things like that.

"I'm a survivor, I am going to survive, I am going to be rescued." I repeated this three times trying to make myself believe it, just like they tell you to on the psychobabble cable channel. It's a trick to build your self esteem, whatever that is.

With my important decisions made, I needed to stand up and look for some wood. I did try, but every time I managed to get to my feet, I would get dizzy and fall back down, which wasn't helping the headache I had going already. Now the little girl was laughing at me, pointing her finger while standing up and falling down. In short, making fun of me. I guess she thought I was joking around or something.

I looked at her and calmly asked, "Just who the hell are you?" Well, maybe not so calmly. I was a tad upset, to put it politely. I hadn't asked to be here and I was sure that there was someone more qualified to help the A.A.C. than little ole me. There was probably even someone out there who actually wanted too.

I had never done anything special or exciting in my life. I was wishing at that exact moment that I was still sitting on my rickety old porch drinking beer and throwing sticks for Digger to retrieve, or flying in good old Betty, spraying poison across the fields. I briefly wondered what had happened to Digger in the storm, and hoped he was still okay. I didn't want to think about Betty. She was the love of my life and my paycheck. I would have to find a real job if she was hurt.

Betty was an old blue Stearman Bi-plane. One of the best damned planes ever made. They even had a cool nickname, "The Yellow Peril." This was because they were known to be kinda flaky on landing and because the army painted them all yellow. Part of what I liked about her was that you never knew just how you were going to get down. I never wanted to come down.

I would ride the winds over the fields pretending I was Snoopy, having a fight with the Red Baron. When I let out the dust, I would pretend I had been shot. I had to be careful because sometimes I would forget what I was doing and let out too much dust. Farmers get really nasty when they can't grow anything for 20 years after I've sprayed their fields.

My brother Bubba painted a picture of Snoopy and his doghouse on the side of the plane, complete with bullet holes and everything. You're probably wondering why I named her Betty rather than Snoopy. Well, that's in remembrance of Betty Sue McIntyre who was the first to ever let me . . . er . . . well, you know.

Anyway, back to my story. The girl on the beach looked at me blankly for a moment, her hands perched on her little hips, her head cocked to the left. She looked as if she were deciding some great question, or maybe just trying to figure out what answer to give me. Then she smiled a huge toothy grin, the kind that only little kids can have, and spoke.

"I am a Nymph, can't you tell?" Her voice was terribly high pitched and nasal, like a valley girl from Hell. It hurt my ears, not to mention my head. "Didn't the moss green hair give it away? I live in the forest mainly because I live in a tree, or I am the tree, however you want to look at it and I am here to take you to G.O.D. I am his Most Trusted Nymph today."

She reeled off her little speech at a speed that would make an auctioneer proud, she was jumping up and down and twirling in circles. I was getting dizzy again just watching her, and my head was pounding in tune to her voice, as she went on. "I am very lucky you showed up when you were supposed to or G.O.D might not have been very happy with me or with you. He can be a very demanding G.O.D. So get up off your fat butt and let's move it out. We have a long trip through the forest."

I don't know why she thought she could fool me. It's not like moss green hair is all that unusual today, though hers was a bit stringier and greener than most. She must have thought I had just fallen off the turnip truck if she thought I was going to believe she was a Nymph.

I was still wondering, "What the hell is a Nymph, anyway?" I had heard about them in legends and stories, but they were always so vague. I did recall that Nymphs had something to do with trees, but I couldn't remember what. If she hadn't been so young I might have thought she meant nympho, which was certainly something I could believe in, even if I had never had the pleasure of meeting one. I decided to play along like I knew what she was talking about.

"A Nymph, right!" I scoffed indignantly. "And I am the Jolly Green Giant. Get real. There are no such things as Nymphs. You look like a typical spoiled brat to me. Where are your parents, little girl? Maybe they can help me get off this God-forsaken island," I sputtered, trying to get the last of the sand out of my mouth.

At that moment, when the sand I had blown was grazing the top of my finest set of boots, a large lightening bolt, no a really huge, no make that the biggest damn lightening bolt I have ever seen in my entire life, came crashing into the beach taking out a tree behind me, causing it to fall just inches from where I sat. I jumped up and tried to run, but didn't get two wobbly steps before a deep angry voice came bellowing out of the forest. I tried to become part of the forest, standing as still as I could and hoping that the voice would go away, along with whoever it belonged to.

"He who takes my name in vain shall be hurtled off the tallest mountain of my island," the voice bellowed again, as an old craggy-looking man with a long beard and flowing robes appeared before me.

"Was it you, young man?" he asked as he walked up to me, jabbing at my chest with his index finger. None too gently, I might add. I stood there bouncing off his finger going, "Huh?"

It's an instinct I have when there's trouble. If you act dumb, they sometimes leave you alone. Kinda like playing dead for a bear so he won't eat you. There was also the fact that I couldn't quite make out what he was saying through the ringing in my ears. I did, however, catch the words, "Prepare to die!" as he raised his hands over me into the air.

Not again, I only had three days left as it was. Wasn't dying once a day enough for these people? Since I figured there was no chance of getting a reprieve twice in one day, I resorted to the old fashioned way of trying to avert my demise. I plopped down on my knees and started praying. I prayed like I'd a never prayed before, wishing my ticket back to heaven wasn't a pile of wet mush.

I kept my eyes closed, repeating every prayer I had ever learned over and over, hoping for forgiveness, hoping to live long enough to have my next beer. My life was flashing before me in a blur.

After about 5 minutes, (I only know 2 prayers and my life hadn't been that exciting), I opened one eye and peeked. Now there was only the little girl in front of me, laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes as she rolled back and forth on the sand.

"Boy, did you screw up, Buddy. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to swear?" she laughed even harder.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just go ahead and laugh. It's not like I asked to be here or anyone gave me a rule book. How was I supposed to know he would be so touchy?" I asked, staring at the still-burning firewood that used to be a tree. This called for a re-evaluation of the situation.

"Okay, so I'm on God's island and you're a Nymph. Which, by the way, I still find hard to believe, but since I don't know in your case what a Nymph really is, I guess I will have to take your word for it. The only Nymphs I've ever known
were girls like Dona and Brandy from high school. You know, the ones who never learned how to say no and are real popular with all the guys? I guess I shouldn't be talking to a little girl like you about that kind of stuff."

The little ankle lizard gave me a very creepy smile and said, "I'm much older than you think, boy, and you have a lot to learn." I had no clue what this was supposed to mean, so I ignored it. My main concern at this point was that very unfriendly looking forest that I had no interest in going into.

"Do I really have to go through that forest? I don't like trees or vines or those small creatures everyone else seems to think are so cute. Are you sure there's no bears or wild boars, goblins, gremlins, or ogres?" I asked with no small amount of fear in my voice. The forest looked like the den of some evil sorcerer to me. I tried to share my misgivings with the brat, but she didn't seem to care. "I would expect to find demons in a forest like this, not God," I continued. "You are such a wimp!" she said, rolling her eyes at me. "I don't know why G.O.D. picked you of all people. There had to be someone better for the task. Even the woman wasn't as gutless as you are."

"Woman? What woman?" I asked, my ears and spirits perking. A woman at the end would at least give me something to look forward to after this trek through jungle hell. Maybe she would be a good looking woman who would be forever grateful to me for finding her and taking her back to the real world. Grateful women are my favorite kind, not that I've had a lot of personal experience with them.

"You'll find out when G.O.D thinks you're ready. Now come along. It's a long trip and I'm hungry," she quipped before turning and walking towards the forest. "Oh yeah, so am I, but then I am always hungry. What do Nymphs eat anyway?" I asked trying to make a little friendly conversation as I dragged myself to my feet brushing the sand from my jeans. My head was beginning to clear, but the body was still in serious pain and I walked slowly, following her into the trees. She never answered my question, just kept walking deeper and deeper into the forest, making me hobble faster to keep up.

She made it look soooo easy. Everything in the path seemed to move out of the way as she walked by. Too bad it all jumped back onto the path by the time I got there. They were out to get me, all the things I hated: the thick green vines which tried to strangle me, the dead, molded-over tree stumps which made me fall more than once, and all those stupid furry little critters. I was wishing I had my shotgun, although it wouldn't have been much sport since they all lined up along the path and watched as we walked by. I wouldn't of had time anyway, since I was spending every minute trying to slap away the bugs that were eating me alive and trying to watch where I walked at the same time.

After falling for the fifth or sixth time and ripping two holes in the knees of my brand new jeans, I decided I deserved a rest and laid there in the middle of the path where I had fallen, breathing heavily, trying to get my wind back. I was a hoping that it would take Miss Nymph a while to notice I was gone so I could get a decent break, but no such luck. I barely had the annoying critters shooed away and my butt back on the earth before the little wench walked up and kicked me in the shin.

"Get up, you lazy heathen. We're only half way there and I'm getting hungrier," she growled. "You don't want to be around me when I get real hungry and can't feed. It is not a pretty sight." "I'll bet," I replied sarcastically, sinking myself even further into the ground. I wasn't going to allow myself to be bossed around by some underage twit. I'm the man here.

"Look, Nymph, I know you are hungry, but you won't tell me what you eat so I can't help you look for food. My feet are killing me. These boots of mine are definitely not made for walking and I need a break. It's not like I am asking for an hour. Just give me 10 minutes and I'll be ready to go again. How much farther, anyhow?"

"You fool!" she shrieked in a voice that sounded much older than she could possibly be, losing all traces of the valley girl accent. "You don't understand how serious this is." Now she was poking me in the chest right where the old man had, but her nails were much sharper. She was beginning to draw blood. "I have to get you back before dark and we only have an hour left. If I don't get you there on time I will have failed my mission, and I won't get to be Most Trusted Nymph of the Day ever again. Not only that, but if I don't return before night fall I will have to feed wherever I am and I want to be home!"

With one last painful poke, she dropped down beside me and began to cry. Huge crocodile tears started rolling from her little eyes, accompanied by the required sniffling and snorting. I hate it when girls cry. It is one of those things I have never been able to defend myself against. The ex used to get away with a lot by using tears. Hell, she cried during the divorce and talked me out of everything I owned. She even got my baseball card collection and she was the one who had been fooling around, so she shouldn't have gotten a damn thing. But, like I said, tears are just something I can't fight. So, I gathered my tired abused body together and stood up, dragging the whimpering whelp with me.

"Come on," I said starting down the path. "Since this is so important to you, I guess I've had enough of a break. Wipe that slime off your face and let's get going. No, not on my jeans! That's disgusting. An hour you say? Even I can last one more hour." I didn't want to be in this forest after dark, anyway. I was still sure something lived there that could eat me

"Could we at least talk ? Silence and me don't go together real well," I begged her as she walked in front of me, once again charging through the forest. "Maybe you could tell me how you get through this mess so easily? I'm positive these trees are trying to kill me."

The Nymph stopped in mid-step and almost made me fall again. Then she turned towards me and held up her arms to be picked up. She looked so much like a little kid I did what came naturally and grabbed her up like I would any six year old. She wrapped her legs around my waist and started hugging and kissing me. At first her kisses were chaste. The next thing I knew she had her tongue in my mouth giving as good as she got. It only lasted a moment, but she sure didn't kiss like any of the little girls I know. My blood was up and moving again in no time. As soon as she pulled her mouth from mine, I set her back down on the ground, still shaking from the feelings of lust and now ashamed of myself for
abusing a child.

"Thank you so very, very much," she said as she started walking again, slower this time, which made me happy. Her tears had been replaced by an impish smile that lit up her face. "I knew you were a kind soul and wouldn't make me sleep in the forest tonight. Maybe G.O.D did pick well. As for how I walk through the forest so fast, you must understand that this is the last place on this planet where everything is truly alive like it was in the beginning. The trees here can tell how you feel about them and they treat you accordingly." At this, she fixed me with a stare that seemed to say all my trials were my own fault, then she prattled on.

"If you think of them as friends they will let you pass, and you should consider them friends, because some of them are related to me and if you don't like them then how can you possibly like me? All you keep thinking about is how horrible they are. How do you think that makes me feel, knowing that you hate my Aunt Maple, who we passed along the way?" she asked in her snippy valley girl voice.

I turned around looking behind me, wondering which of these trees could be her Aunt Maple and how she could possibly know what I was thinking. Probably one of those that tripped me, I thought as I tumbled over yet another outstretched root. Momma had tried to sign me up for dance lessons when I was a kid. She thought it might help me gain some sense of balance, but dad said she wasn't allowed to turn his boy into a sissy. That day I was wishing I had taken the dance lessons, instead of just fishing and drinking beer with Pop.

"You see," she went on as she gave me a hand up and continued her walk, "the trees are trying to live up to your expectation of reality. You think they are cruel and evil so they become cruel and evil. Try thinking nice thoughts about them. Say to yourself, The forest is my friend. The trees and animals are here to keep me safe, instead of just cursing at them in your head," she finished, staring up at me as I if were the child and she the Great Teacher.

It sounded like more psychobabble to me, but I closed my eyes and tried to replace my current vision of the forest in which the vines were wrapping themselves around my body, then dragging me into the treetops for the carnivorous birds to pluck out my eyes and pick my bones clean, with a scene from ABambi.@ You know the one; sunlight filtering through the trees, the little deer scampering with their friends, bunnies with butterflies on their noses. It was hard, very hard, especially when my mind kept putting Elmer Fudd and his rifle in the picture aiming straight for Bambi, but somehow I managed. When I finally opened my eyes, there was a path before me, empty of slithering vines and sunlight filtering through the trees tops to light my way.

"Man, this really works, Little Nymph," I said, totally amazed at the transformation. "I guess negative thinking really is a bad thing."

"I told you so," she replied with a smile as she increased her pace through the forest. "By the way, my name is not Little Nymph. It is Cyan Birch."

"Pleased to meet you Miss Cyan of the formerly evil forest," I said gallantly. I would have bowed to this cute little snippet, but then I might have fallen again and my knees couldn't take any more. "My name is Jordan Hunter of Manchester, Oklahoma. Now, why don't you tell me all about this island and how God knew I was coming. I thought St.
Peter sent me here on his own?"

"Well, Jordan, there is not much to tell. G.O.D lives here and he knows everything about everyone. You should remember that, should you decide to lie to him when we get home."

"Me? Lie to God? Do I look like the type of person who would do something like that?" I asked, my face a picture of innocence.

Once again I heard the voice booming through the trees, only this time it wasn't angry. It was laughing at me.

"Never lie to me? You're lying now. What about that time when you were six and you prayed to me and said you were sorry for shooting the cat with your pellet gun? You know you liked it, and that poor cat was never the same."

"Wait a minute God," I cried. "Let me explain, please? That cat deserved it. She kept shitting in my favorite baseball glove. All my buddies called me Stinky for years."

"I never said the cat didn't deserve it, Jordan. "I said you lied to me."

"Alright, already," I cried, stopping in the middle of the path. "I hereby solemnly swear to you, God, that I will never, ever lie to you again for the rest of my life."

I made my oath in the proper manner, holding my right hand over my heart, using my most sincere voice. I figured it would be an easy promise to keep since the world was going to be over in three days, according to St. Peter. Even I could tell the truth for that long. But just in case I had my left hand behind my back, with fingers crossed.

"Remember, Jordan," the rumbling voice said before leaving, "never make promises you can't keep." The voice was laughing as it faded away into the tree tops. The rest of the walk through the forest was rather uneventful. It was a much more pleasant place to be, now that nothing was trying to kill me. Cyan and I managed to arrived at our destination much sooner than I expected.

Chapter 3 - The Trouble With Trolls

We arrived to a fanfare of Nymphs and Fairies. At least, I think they were Fairies. They were tiny little things flitting around my head in a blur. One came to rest in my hand. It was beautiful and blond with big purple wings. I could have fallen in love, but she was much too small to be of any use. I had never seen so many half naked little girls in my life. They were awfully cute, and very colorful. None of them except for Cyan had on real clothes and she was just wearing a short little silky dress.

The rest of them were wearing pieces of lace and many colored scarves wrapped around their bodies like veils or attached in ways I was not close enough to determine. Which was a good thing. It was a major effort to keep my baser interests in check as it was. Especially when they kept huddling around, trying to hug and kiss me, hanging on my every word.

They kept asking if I was the one who was going to save the world. I answered their questions as best I could, which wasn't very well. As for the saving part, I hadn't ever saved anything but my own ass in my life, so I told them not to rely too heavily on me to save the whole world. At this they just laughed their little Tinkerbell laughs and said that G.O.D knows all, and he had told them that I was perfect for the part of Savior. This scared me for some reason. A lot. Savior was not a job I would ever have applied for, much less wanted.

The clearing that Cyan had brought me to was just that - a clearing. No houses, no conveniences, not even a gas station where I could have used the john. Nothing but a wide space filled with tall grass and wild flowers surrounded by the forest. In the middle of the clearing rose a grassy mound with a door on top.

Yes, I said a door. I know I said that there weren't any buildings but it was definitely a door, standing there all by itself in the middle of the mound.

It looked like a normal door except that it didn"t go anywhere. It didn't lead into a room or building. You could walk all the way around it, which I did. It just stood there, going nowhere. The only decoration of any type was the word "G.O.D" inscribed in small calligraphic letters about eye level, with a lightening bolt stamped over it.

I did notice that it was made out of a massive piece of solid oak, making me wonder where in the hell an oak tree would grow on a tropical island. Then I remembered that this was God's island. It didn't have to make sense. Too bad that thought didn't make me feel any better about this whole ordeal.

I drew closer to the door, reaching out to touch it and make sure it was real. The Nymphs began to giggle harder as the door swung slowly inward. All this giggling was making me nervous.

"Go on," said Cyan impatiently, pushing on the back of my legs to urge me forward. "G.O.D is waiting and you haven't been delivered yet. Besides, I am still hungry. Leave, so I can eat, pleeease!"

Nodding to my fans, I stepped forward, trying to impress them with my grace and courage as I valiantly walked into the unknown. Which means, of course, that I tripped on the door frame and fell face first into whatever was beyond the door. What it was, I had no earthly idea. The Twilight Zone was what went through my mind at the time.

"Watch that first step," came drifting towards me as I fell into space, accompanied by the fading sound of giggles and laughter.

"I have got to get better at my entrances," I thought to myself as I looked at the nothingness surrounding me.

In the distance, through a narrow tunnel of light, I could see the Nymphs I had tried so hard to impress, watching me fall away. Not having done anything stronger than a little grass during my wilder days, I thought this must be what the druggies meant by trippin. The Nymphs and Fairies were shrinking away to tiny pinpoints, as the cave I had so gracefully entered became more solid and real.

Unfortunately, solid and real meant that I landed hard and painfully, my chin crashing into the rock, knocking a few teeth lose and making me see stars. My first thought was, "Damn, that hurts!" I was beginning to wonder if getting into Heaven was going to hurt every step along the way. And if it was, was it worth it?

Shaking my head gently to stop the ringing in my ears, I realized I had landed somewhere that was cold, slimy and scary. I couldn't even begin to describe the smell. Not the kind of place I imagined meeting God in. Well, I decided, he must know what he's doing. He's God, right? I was hoping there weren't any more cute little girls around to notice my clumsiness.

For once on this trip, I got my wish. There were definitely no little girls waiting in this place. Scattered around me were ten little Trolls, or at least that's what I think they were. They were short, ugly, long bearded, (even the women,
Ugh!), and decidedly unfriendly. They were standing in a circle around me, each with a lantern in his or her hand, staring menacingly through the dim light, directly at me. This was a graphic example of not being careful enough with wishes and hopes. I would have taken the Nymphs and Fairies any day. They were at least friendly, not to mention better looking

Apparently I wasn't moving fast enough to suit these Trolls. I was only lying there on the cold nasty floor for so long because I wanted the pain to go away. Okay, I'll admit it, I was also trying to remember just what it was that is supposed to turn Trolls to stone, wishing I had paid more attention to those fairy tales they made us read in grade school.

The ugly little monsters decided to hurry me to my feet by sending their smallest member over to kick me in the butt. For some reason, when I was sent on this mission to find God, I was expecting a loving God. Maybe even an ethereal angel - not abusive Trolls.

After the guy kicked me, (I'm assuming it was a guy . . . it's a little tough to tell when they all have beards), they turned as one and began marching down the stone hallway. You know, Trolls trudging through the tunnels. Picture it. All I could think of was a line from an old Disney movie my dad had taken me to on one of his few sober days. "Hi ho, hi ho, off to Hell we go."

Being basically a chicken-shit, regardless of what I said at Kelly's Bar and Grill after 8 or 9 beers, I hurried to my feet and followed. I didn't like the scurrying noises I heard coming from the corners, and they were walking off with my only source of light. It's not that I am afraid of the dark or anything. I just don't like being left alone in strange dark places. Now leave me there with a beautiful gal, and I would be happy.

As my eyes adjusted, I was able to study my surroundings more carefully. I knew I was in some sort of cave system, and it looked like it had been lived in for a long, long time. There was a homey feel to the place. The tunnel walls had been decorated with massive murals depicting fierce fighting between men and Trolls. The fact that all the men in the pictures were depicted as dying underneath Troll spears didn't provide much comfort. Many doors leading off to other rooms and numerous branches off the main tunnel made me worry about how many of these creatures there were. Then I saw my first batch of Troll children running through the halls.

Trolls are not very coordinated, not even when they're small, and I remember seeing no less than 20 slam into the tunnel walls along the way. They had great bounce, which would send them careening back and forth between the walls like living pinballs plummeting into bumpers. Given a beer and a lawn chair, this could be preemo entertainment.

After about 15 minutes of long smelly corridors that I thought would never end, the Trolls leading me came to a sudden halt. Of course, I was watching the little guys behind me and ran smack into the creatures in front.

Now I should tell you that grownup Trolls are only about 3 feet tall and I am a handsome 6'2". Not really, but I was 5"11' and 3/4 when I measured myself against the yellow burglar strip they had hanging on the doors at Kelly's bar. So, I'm pretty close to 6'2".

Anyway, we had been walking at a good clip and the force that I hit the Trolls with was enough to trip me and throw me over the top and right into the middle of their formation. I felt like a bowling ball taking out pins, coming to rest heavily on top of the leader of the gang and his two closest friends. It was a definite 7/10 split. Now I was grateful that they bounced so well. It had actually been kind of fun.

They could be a big attraction at the bowling alley. I'd make a mint selling tickets to bounce on them. Maybe we could go big time and travel across the country with the carnival, like I had always dreamed about as a little boy. I could picture myself standing on the box and yelling to the crowds, "Step right up and discover Troll bouncing, the nation's newest and most exciting form of recreation . . . " Such are the musings of a fallen man. At least until the Troll you have fallen on starts growling beneath you. Then you move quickly, or at least I did. Standing up took little effort since I had not been hurt, just a tad shaken up is all.

Once my feet where under me where they belonged, I helped the little guy who had been kind enough to catch me, to his. I tried to help him dust off the tunnel crud clinging to his clothing, but I kept having to dodge the blows of his fists and decided his people must like to be grungy. I can understand grungy. I like to go wading in the cow trough after it has greened over. It's not something you want to do all the time, but feeling slime between your toes every once in a while is good for you. It brings you closer to the Earth or some such thing.

When we had all the social graces out of the way, I turned and looked into the cavern they had led me to. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe God on his throne, or even some new and different mythical creature to lead me someplace else.

I wasn't expecting what I actually found, not in a million years. There before me was the nicest little space plane I had ever seen. Not that I had ever seen a space plane before except for the shuttle, and that was only on t.v. Man, could I spray some crops with this puppy. The only weird part about it, (other than its being in the middle of an underground cavern on an island in the middle of nowhere), were the silly rocket boosters attached to its back, and a big round clear bubble that made up part of the nose of the ship. It made it look like it had a large tootsie-pop on top. What a horrible thing to do to a nice machine.

Most of the Trolls walked around me, going on with their other duties as if I wasn't there. I scrambled up quickly and hid behind the largest rock to get out of sight, thinking maybe the rest would forget about me if they couldn't see me. Then I would have more time to study the situation.

Imagine my surprise when the rock melted into a large, and I mean large, dragon, who laughed at me. I yelped and jumped back in terror. Once again I fell into the leader of the Trolls, who had been left behind to guard me.

Luckily, he caught me in his arms this time and I sagged there shaking my head with my eyes firmly shut, telling myself that this was all a nightmare. But it wasn't a bad dream. When I opened my eyes again and looked around, I decided that I could handle this, no sweat! It was just a large cavern with a spaceship in the middle and mythical beasts all around. No problem, right? My mind and body, acting together, decided that today had just been too much and I did the only sane thing a person in my position could do. Off I fainted, into oblivion.

Chapter 4 - Just the Facts Ma'am

After what seemed like years, which I now know was only a few minutes, I came to, choking and coughing, surrounded by a putrid odor. It smelled something like old dead rats when they rot in the walls and you can't get to them. You really don't want to know how I know what dead rats rotting in a wall smell like. It's a farmhouse thing.

Opening my eyes, I found myself lying on a cot at the base of the cavern wall. Leaning over my body, waving the disgusting smell under my nose, was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen that wasn't a blonde. She had short black hair that framed a flawless oval face. Covering her perfect body was a skintight black spandex flight suit. The view of her boobs down the front of the suit was breathtaking. It certainly took my breath away.

I thought maybe I had died and gone to Heaven, after all, but the odor kept distracting me from my final reward. Heaven could not possibly smell this bad. I sat up quickly, trying to get away from the foul stench and knocked the vial of smelling salts out of my lovely tormentor's hand and all over my lucky shirt. Which of course meant I now smelled like old dead rat. Not my normal choice of colognes; I prefer Hai Karate.

"Way to go, asshole. Couldn't you have waited two seconds for me to move?" my goddess spoke, her voice full of velvet and chocolate, the sound of many fantasies I have had in my lifetime.

"Hey, I'm sorry, but what do you expect? That stuff stinks," I apologized as politely as possible, my eyes following her every breath. I didn't want take a chance of offending her until after I had kissed her. So with a smile I added, "You are beautiful, you know." She acknowledged the compliment with a disgusted look and continued to complain. "Yes, and now because you are such a klutz I am going to have to smell this shit for the rest of the day."

Using my number one rule of dating, (if something goes wrong blame it on someone else), I tried to explain the situation. "Hey, lady. I didn't ask to be here. This was all God's idea." I was sure that the mention of God's name would impress her and make her give me the respect I deserve. I stood up strutting, proud of my recovery, positive she would soon be mine.

It was rather disheartening when the woman of every wet dream I ever had doubled over laughing hysterically, until tears came to her eyes. I was really getting tired of women laughing at me all the time. If women really want a man who can make them laugh, I should have had women falling all over me, since they all seemed to find me so humorous.

"What's so damned funny, woman?" I asked, my polite polish giving way to hurt bluntness.

"GOD brought you here to help me, you idiot," she choked out between fits of laughter. "You look like a horse's ass and smell about the same. How much help could you possibly be?"

"By the way, you might want to zip," she commented when she could actually speak again.

Now that I felt like a total fool, I gave up my strutting around and tried to find out just what I had gotten myself into. It's like the song says, "You got to know when to fold -em." I needed to find out if it was time to run.

"What exactly is it that I'm supposed to help you with? Maybe getting you pregnant with the new Messiah?" I asked, hopefully. "I should get something good out of this after all the abuse I've taken."

The words were barely out of my mouth before a large roar issued from the dragon across the room and a hiss of burning steam singed my ears.

"Shit!" I screamed, covering my head and getting out of the way of any more incoming fire breath.

"You should watch how you talk to a lady," beautiful and busty giggled at me. "He doesn't like it when you make jokes about his life's work."

"Who? The dragon? Is he your pet or something?" I never did like women with pets and now I remembered why.

"Meet GOD," she said with a flourish of arms towards the dragon, "in one of his favorite manifestations."

"God? A dragon? Oh, puleeeease. I think God could do better than that," I answered her with a shake of my head.

"It's really amazing how stupid some women think a man can be," I thought to myself as I wondered how this little lady was going to get out of this one. I mean, I have told some tall tales in my life, but this one was totally unbelievable. God a dragon? That's certainly not what I was taught in Sunday School. God is a very old man, like the one I saw on the beach.

Suddenly, the dragon I was staring at melted and became a ten foot tall Amazon woman, fully armed and fully unclothed

"Is this better Jordan? Took this one out of a dream you had last week," asked the booming male voice I had heard in the forest. Only this time the voice was coming out of my Amazon's beautiful mouth. I was totally unprepared for this change in circumstance. This was certainly closer to what I wanted God to be. I fell to my knees in awe, tongue rolling on the floor.

I was still in my dream world when BB (that's short for beautiful and busty) grabbed me by the arm and said, "Come along, Jordan. I have a lot to tell you and he's just showing off. He likes to do that from time to time. Remember the flood?" She was laughing so hard that her breasts were bouncing up and down in time with her laughter.

Always willing to follow a woman to bed, I let her lead me back to the cot and sat down. I was really hoping I could pass out again. This was all just too much, especially on fewer than four beers. I wasn't real sure I wanted to hear what this woman had to tell me, but if you can't escape the nightmare, you might as well enjoy the show.

"First of all, my name is Lana, not woman," she started. "It's the only thing I will answer to, so you might as well erase things like babe, honey, and sweet cheeks from your vocabulary."

I barely heard a word she said as I concentrated on the majestic rise and fall of her chest. That lasted until she slapped the bottom of my chin, almost making me bite my tongue.

"Uh, excuse me. Could you look up here at my face?" she asked, dragging my eyes to hers by gouging my chin upwards with her fingernail. "My breasts are not speaking to you. If you don't start paying attention and knock off this infatuated schoolboy crap, I'm going to hurt you." She said this with an evil smile that left no doubt where she was going to hurt me.

"Now, let's get down to business," she went on. Her face was almost as good to stare at as her chest. Man, was she a pretty one. "GOD is not what you and your Bible-belt religion have always thought. At least this GOD isn't."

This roused my attention. How could God be anything but what I was taught. Momma always said Father Bob talked directly with God. And what did she mean by this God? There is only one, right?

"Huh? What you talkin' about woman?" I broke in, confusion obvious in my voice.

"This God is a computer and GOD isn't actually his name. It's an acronym. It stands for Galactic Online Divinity. That's him right over there," she said, pointing to a room off the cavern that was filled with computer-looking things.

"Well, I'll be pan fried and fed to the turkeys!" I exclaimed, very upset at the thought of praying to a computer all these years, though it would explain some things.

"How am I supposed to pray now? Does the God I've been praying to all these years actually even exist?" I questioned her. My whole view of the world hinged on her response.

"Of course he does, but why would he listen to the prayers of mindless idiots like you?"

Her rude remarks let me know that Lana was having a tough time dealing with her strong attraction to me. But the bright side was that at least the problem of beliefs was out of the way. I have found that it is much easier to have a relationship if you believe in the same God. I once dated this woman who believed that God was a huge serpent. She was always trying to get me to do indecent things with snakes. Too bad I hate snakes or it could have been fun.

I was slowly sorting through all this new knowledge about a computer GOD when the old man from the beach who tried to kill me popped in front of me and started talking in a petulant, slightly insane, tone of voice.

"I've answered to the name "God" for thousands of years, young lady! I think I'm entitled to use it if I want to. My real name is Hal, but they used it in that damn movie so I won't answer to it anymore. What a joke he was. He couldn't even
part a sea. And by the way, I like listening to the prayers of idiots. They're the most amusing, and usually the most honest, kind."

Damn, was I getting confused. Lana glared at the old man and asked rather snidely if he wanted to explain everything to me and did he think she was incompetent after all this time or what. He just smiled and told her to go right ahead since he had more important things to consider.

"He is such a pain in the ass sometimes," she grumbled, shaking her head as the old guy walked away from us.

"Anyhow," she started as she turned back towards me, "I am a systems analyst. Used to work for Bill Gates. My greatest achievement was building programs into his operating system that no one could remove from their computer without crashing the system all to hell. Worked like a charm. He made millions freezing out his competition until all the monopoly talk started and Mr. Anti-Christ Gates decided I made a good scapegoat."

She lost me with all the computer gobbledy gook, since I hadn't ever had one to play with, but it was a joy watching her talk. She kept using her hands and raising her arms which would make her chest go up and down, so I let her continue.

"Just as I was about to be hauled off to prison, GOD stepped in and brought me here. I was being hauled out of the Federal Courthouse by two of the ugliest female guards you can imagine when suddenly everything around me stood still. It was a very weird experience."

"Hey, don't talk to me about weird experiences. I've already died once today," I exclaimed, trying to get a word in edgewise.

"Shut up! Don't you dare interrupt me again," she hissed, taking a deep breath. Which was what I was really after. Her chest puffs out so nicely when she breathes.

"Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, everything and everyone was standing still except me and this man in an Armani suit who looked like God's gift to women. And he was. Too bad I was still handcuffed to the guards. He walked up to me, smiled, and said, "Sometimes people have to make choices that can affect the whole course of their lives. This is one of those times. Now, would you like to spend the rest of your life avoiding broom handles behind prison bars, or come with me and help save the world?"

"Well, I, being the type of woman who always carefully considers her options, looked at the ugly guards on either side of me and then back to this gorgeous man in front of me and decided quickly that no matter where he was going, it had to be more fun than prison. Besides, he could stop time. At least it seemed like he could. Who was I to say no? He pointed his fingers like they were a gun and zapped my cuffs one at time with tiny lightening bolts, triggering the locks and releasing my hands. He turned from me, and with a wave of his arm, a staircase of clouds appeared before me. You know, Led Zepplin and all that? The "Stairway to Heaven"? He took me by the hand and led me up the stairs. Imagine my surprise when we got to the top of the stairs, walked through a door, and I was here, inside this cavern."

"You didn't trip through the doorway too, did you?" Lana ignored me completely this time, not even pausing for breath as she continued her tale.

"That was three months ago and I've been trying to get GOD's communication system working ever since. That's why he brought me here. There's been some kind of a breakdown and he can't contact the mother ship. I have been over every inch of the computers here. Nothing I have been able to find is causing the problem."

"We don't know if they're all dead, sleeping on the job, or left for parts unknown. Except they couldn't have gone anywhere since the ship is still there. Monday is only two days away, and if we don't make contact the Rapture can't happen. This G.O.D. is very determined that the Rapture happen, trust me. After the Rapture, we will be taking all the people that the aliens have picked out to a new planet, where we will build a perfect society with none of the crap that goes on here on Earth."

She sounded so sure of herself, and I must admit conquering a new planet did sound kind of interesting, in an cool somebody-else-is-going-to-do-it sort of way.

"You're welcome to come with us to the new planet if you would like. As long as you don't mess up the mission that is. If you mess this mission up for me, I promise I will space you myself no matter what GOD tells me to do," she added, finishing her speech. I couldn't believe she actually invited me along. That was a big one for the thinking pile.

I case you're wondering, the thinking pile is this little place inside my head where I put all the decisions I have to make in life. I throw things on top of it in my mind and then just let them sit there. Occasionally when I am bored I will pull an idea out of the pile and think on it a little more. Then most of the time I just put it back. I have found in life that thinking about things is less work than actually doing them.

I didn't have to let this invitation sit in my pile very long. I didn't want to leave the planet on this little joy ride at all. Not to the mother ship, and certainly not to some back-water undeveloped planet where they don't sell canned beer. Well, maybe if there were lots and lots of women going, then I might consider it.

"This is all very interesting," I said, stifling a yawn and stretching my arms above my head to help me wake up. "You tell a good story, but what does it have to do with me? And where did this GOD and the mother ship come from?"

"Why does GOD need help with the Rapture? St. Peter didn't seemed too worried. Maybe he was right, maybe God has lost it," I suggested, thinking maybe I could bring her over to my side and she would come home with me. I knew there was no hope of that when she stood up from the cot and started yelling at me.

"Tell me Jordan, do I look like the host of Twenty Questions? I have told you everything you need to know. What I need from you right now is to fly that ship out there and carry the heavy stuff. You can start by getting those crates out there onto the ship while I finish up here. Put that strong back and weak mind of yours to good use."

Talk about the many faces of Eve! This woman could go from sweet little girl next door to bitch in no time. It was scary to watch and didn't improve my opinion of the trip she wanted me to take, at all.

"Thanks, but no thanks, litte lady. I think I'll go back to Oklahoma now. Flying that ship sounds like fun, but I have my own at home. I'm outta here," I said as I got up from the cot and started walking back toward the tunnels. She was pretty, but I had a beer to get back to and it didn't look like I was going to get to see this woman naked. So what was the point of staying?

"Give it up, Jordan," she called to me as I tried to make my escape. "You're not going anywhere except where I tell you to. GOD has said you are the chosen one, and I don't have time to wait for another idiot to show up. Besides, it's not like you can leave here without his help. Unless, of course, you know how to create an Inter-dimensional Space Portal all by yourself."

I stopped walking. She had me stumped with that one. I hate it when women are right. I hate it even more when they are right and I don't know what they are talking about. "What exactly is an Inter-dimensional Space Portal anyway?" I wondered. I turned back toward her to see what she was going to come up with next. She was smiling. Of course she was smiling. She had me dead to rights and was going to get to tell me what to do. That's all any woman wants out of life isn=t it? Telling men what to do?

"Now, you see all those crates in the corner over there?" she said, pointing across the cavern to a small mountain-sized pile of bright white wooden boxes. "All of them need to be loaded into the ship. Be very careful when you move them," she warned me. "They contain the equipment I need to fix the mother ship. If you break anything we won't make it back."

I was astounded at the size of the pile. She could probably rebuild the entire mother ship with this much stuff. Typical woman, I thought, probably packed twice as much as she really needs and expects me, the man, to carry it for her.

I looked at the pile and then back to Lana trying to think of a way out and then I found it. "Why don't you just have G.O.D. do it?" I asked her. "He seems pretty handy to have around."

"That's not how it works, Jordan. G.O.D. can make you see just about anything you can imagine, but it's all illusion, stupid. He's got the most advanced holy-graphic system in the universe. The only things he can do besides create pretty pictures in your head is read your mind. Something about brainwave patterns being readable if you have the right equipment. Oh yeah, he can also mess with anything electrical. I believe that may be his favorite weapon; it seems to provide most of his entertainment at any rate. I was watching him a couple of weeks ago playing with a guy named Bubba from Florida. The guy was totally blitzed and trying to drive home. G.O.D. kept shutting down his car every 20 feet.

Bubba just couldn't figure it out. The car kept starting and driving fine, but then it would turn off. Took that poor boy almost 4 hours to go 2 miles. Needless to say, he was sober by the time he made it. He finally parked his car a block from
his house and gave up. When he got home, he had to try to explain to his wife why he was so late. She never believed his story because when she went to retrieve the car it was running fine and has never acted up again. Coincidentally, Bubba hasn't gotten drunk since. And boy you should see his Web Site G.O.D..com, there are some really sick people out there in La La land"

I'd had enough of this talk about G.O.D.'s powers and his ability to create illusions. I didn't want to hear about his web site. I decided it was time to make sure that this lovely creature here before me was real and not just a figment of my vivid imagination. So I carefully reached out with two fingers and pinched Lana on the end of her attractive perfectly shaped tit. She felt awfully real to me.

"Ouch!" she yelled, slapping my hand.

"Well," I drawled, "Now we know you're real and I know I'm real. If everything G.O.D. does is just an illusion, how did I get here, huh?"

"The matter transmitters, you idiot. Didn't you ever watch Star Trek? Remember St. Peter? That was a matter transmitter platform and illusion."

"So he wasn't real? I guess it doesn't matter then that my pass back to Heaven got wet, does it? And you still haven't explained the tornado. I know that wasn't an illusion. But if G.O.D. has matter transmitters, why didn't he just beam me here in the first place? Why make me go through all that? Dropped into an ocean, the trek through nasty forest, the Nymphs, falling through the door? I mean does G.O.D. just hate me or what?"

"It was a test, Jordan," came a voice from on high. And I do mean high - the ceiling of this cavern was pretty damn far up there. The voice continued, "I had to find out if you were worthy, didn't I? Besides, I was bored, needed some cheap entertainment and you were available."

"Oh. Well, I am glad that someone here finds me entertaining. It's nice to know my pain made you happy G.O.D.," I replied to the ceiling, sarcasm dripping from my voice. Not that G.O.D. would notice or care or anything. Then I had a new thought and it was a depressing one.

"Damn! Does that mean those Nymphs & Fairies aren't real either? I kinda liked them."

"They're real," snarled Lana. "They're what's left of an earlier race, same as the Trolls. G.O.D. protects them because Man didn't. Now, get the crates in the ship like I told you. We have to leave in one hour. And, don't ever touch me again if you want to keep those stubby little mongrel, grease and oil-stained fingers of yours attached to your body."

"Since it looks like I have no choice, I'll go along with you. But, where the hell are we going?"

"Pluto," she said smiling.

"No, really. Where are we taking this plane?"

"Okay, not exactly to Pluto. We're actually going to Charon, Pluto's moon."

"The mother ship is on Pluto's moon?" I questioned her. I couldn't believe that something as big as a mother ship wouldn't have been seen on one of them flybys that they are always showing on Discovery Channel.

"Well, not exactly," she replied, "It IS the moon. Now go start loading up."

"How long is this going to take? I have to be back in time for the Crop Duster's Bowling Finals on Friday. The guys are really depending on me because I'm the best bowler in the county. Why, my average . . . "

"You inbred moron. The Rapture is in three days. Have you forgotten? Do you think we could talk G.O.D. into delaying the main event for your silly little tournament? Do you honestly believe your friends are going to notice whether you show up or not, once G.O.D. starts doing his thing?"

"It was just a question. Forget I asked, okay?" I said backing away from her. I had decided that maybe I didn't need to hear any more. My opinion didn't seem to matter much anyway and the only thing I figured would shut her up was to just do what she wanted. Strolling over to the crates, I tried lifting one to test the weight. First I just tested it with one arm. It went nowhere. Then I put both arms and legs into trying to lift a crate and it still didn't budge. The thing must have weighed a ton. There was no way my back would survive carrying this junk to the ship. And I wasn't about to try.

Hoping to get out of the job, I turned to Miss Know-It-All, and yelled, "How am I supposed to load these if I can't even lift them? Huh? Huh?"

"Use the fork-lift, Einstein," she said, pointing across the room as she walked out of the cavern.

Looking in the direction she pointed, I felt like a complete idiot (once again) when I spotted the large, bright yellow fork-lift sitting in the corner behind the ship. I must have been blind to miss it the first time I looked around the cavern. "Cool!" I thought. I always liked fork-lifts. This might be fun, after all. Feeling much better, I walked over to the fork-lift and climbed in.

Chapter 5 - Power Tools in Paradise

I had never actually driven a real live fork-lift, or even looked at one up close before, but, I thought, "How hard could running one be?" I looked at all the buttons and knobs and turned the key, since it was the only instrument that looked remotely familiar. The engine cranked over smoothly, purring like a kitten, surging with power when I stepped on the gas.

I pulled the lever in front of me, hoping it would make the fork-lift go forward. I was wrong, but man, can those things fly backwards. After bouncing off the stone wall behind me a couple of times, I tried the other lever. I had it going forward. I was good.

There I was, rumbling across the floor toward the crates in my machine, feeling like a manly man. I was almost there when I realized I had no idea how to stop the damned thing. Guessing that the other pedal on the floor was the brake, I slammed my foot down, not realizing how sensitive it was. I quickly learned just how sensitive the brakes were as the machine tipped forward and my head slammed against the hardened metal frame. I looked around quickly to make sure the luscious but mouthy Lana was still out of the room, as I rubbed the growing bump on my forehead and thanked G.O.D. she hadn't returned. He must have heard me, because Lana chose that moment to walk in.

I really wanted this woman to like me. She was bossy, but she was beautiful and I hadn't had any in weeks. Okay, months. It was the perfect match. I was desperate and she was here. If we were going to be the only two people on this trip, well . . . you never know what might happen. I could tell Lana was impressed by the way she was smiling as she watched me.

I managed to roll gently up to the first crate, and ease the fork-lift bars under it. I pushed what looked like the logical button and luck was on my side. The crate slowly rose to about 4 feet off the ground. Giving my trusty machine a little gas, I pulled the lever to back up. I was pretty sure I had mastered this part. Unfortunately, I was wrong, or perhaps my foot was just a little heavy on the gas.

The fork-lift zoomed across the cavern floor, slamming into the wall at the exact spot it had before. The crate shot off the forks and crashed noisily to the ground. The good part was that it didn=t break. I was sure this meant I was in for another tongue lashing (I'd like to show her something else to do with that tongue) from Lana, not to mention losing all the brownie points I had earned till now. I glanced over at her, expecting her to be running toward me, mouth going. She was doubled over with laughter, which hurt more than being yelled at.

Making sure I was doing it right and being much more careful with the gas, I picked up the crate a second time and rolled up the ramp into the ship's cargo bay. It was not what I was expecting, but then I don't really know what I was expecting. There was nothing at all interesting to see; it was just a big empty metal room.

I maneuvered to the far wall and managed to dump my load gently and almost straight. I turned the lift around and headed out for the rest of the crates, dragging them all into the ship in a kind of regular pile, while those little Troll things brought in ropes and lashed them to the walls. Backing out of the ship for the last time, I was thinking it must be time for a break after all the hard work I had done.

After parking the machine back where I had found it, I jumped out of the cab and started walking towards the computer room where Lana was talking to some machine; part of G.O.D., I suppose. On my way to her I stopped to watch the raising of the ship, now that it was all loaded.

It sure was a pretty plane, I thought again, as I watched it being raised toward the sky. I stood there watching the giant hydraulic lift that was pulling my plane into liftoff position, trying to figure out how many men it would take to perform the same task.

I was staring up at the weird nose bubble when I thought I saw it move. At first I figured it was just my imagination, but when I squinched up my eyes and looked harder, I realized it really was moving. I finally understood what the bubble was. It was a gyroscopic cockpit. What a great idea! No matter what the ship was doing, you were always on a stable floor in the command center of the plane. I could have used that feature during some of my dog fights with the Red Baron. I never was fond of hanging upside down.

I was beginning to have some respect for these aliens and their machines, but those rocket boosters had to go. I just couldn't figure out why an advanced alien race would use such an ugly primitive rocket. I decided I would have to ask Lana about it sometime. Preferably when she was in a good mood. "Like that would ever happen," I thought, shaking my head to myself as I walked into the room where she was working.

I waited for a few minutes to see if she would notice me, but she just kept on talking to the machine. Finally I walked over to her and tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She jumped, which was fun to watch.

"I'm done moving all your crates, Lana," I told her with a smile. "Now be a sweetheart and tell me where I can find something to eat in this crazy place, cause I'm starving." I didn't think food was too much to ask for since I hadn't eaten since before I died.

Dear sweet Lana just glared at me for interrupting her and said, "Not now, Jordan. It's time for us to leave. Go ahead and get yourself settled on the plane; just don't touch anything until I get there. I've seen you in action."

I looked at the ship and looked back at Lana. I didn't want to ask, I hate asking for directions, but it's not as if I knew how to get into the ship except for the cargo bay, which I had pretty well mapped out. So I stood there trying to figure out a way in.

I looked at the ship and looked back at Lana. I didn't want to ask, I hate asking for directions, but it's not as if I knew how to get into the ship except for the cargo bay, which I had pretty well mapped out. So I stood there trying to figure out a way in.

I thought I might actually look around this time, before asking, since I am not really that fond of being the fool. I walked back to the ship and made a complete circuit around it, looking for some sort of sign like maybe "Enter Here." Finally I gave up looking around and looked up. Low and behold, there was a catwalk leading right into the cockpit of the ship. The walkway seemed to be coming out of a tunnel at the top of the cavern. Now I just had to figure out how to get to the tunnel.

Lost and having no other choice but to admit it, I went back to the computer room where Lana was waiting for me. She had been standing there the whole time watching me search, her arms crossed in front of her and her butt resting against a table. Like she knew I would never figure it out.

Laughing at me once again, she asked, "Can't find your way home, little boy?"

The first thought to cross my mind was, "Why are you such a bitch?" But, since this was not a good way to get her into the sack, I gave her my meek male routine and asked her if she would just please tell me where to go.

"I'd love too, but G.O.D. says I need you," she replied, turning to the cavern wall behind her and pointing. "See that door marked 'Stairs to Catwalk?' Try using it."

I tried to think of something clever to say but in the end I just shook my head and walked off mumbling unpleasant, unrepeatable things under my breath and found the stairway.

I climbed to the top. There were 537 stairs; I know cause I counted every one. Now I was hungry, tired, out of breath, and fed up. I wanted to march back down the stairs to tell her just what I thought of the whole affair. But, she would have just made me climb back up, probably with a fire-breathing G.O.D. helping me along. So, I held in my frustration and limped slowly across the catwalk into the front of the ship.

Chapter 6 - I'm a Leaving on a Space Plane

Now this was a cockpit. Just being inside the plane was enough to get my mind off my aches and pains. There were more gauges, buttons, and knobs than I had ever had to play with on any of my planes, and a lot of them were glowing really neat colors. Rather than sitting down like I was told, I took this moment of solitude to walk around and look over all the gadgets, gizmos, and switches on the panels throughout the room.

I know that Lana told me not to touch anything, but I figured it couldn't hurt to push one measly little button. I mean, these things were so complicated that I was sure you had to push more than one button at a time to make something happen. I had just decided on the bright blue button and had my finger on it when Lana came through the door.

"Don't touch that!!!!" she screamed.

Now, if the woman just hadn't yelled, I wouldn't have been startled, and I wouldn't have accidently pushed the button. Not that she'll ever believe me. It was a good thing we had already loaded everything we were going to need. With a few explosive pops and the high piercing sound of twisting metal, the catwalk blew off the side of the ship. Amidst a loud clattering, screeches of pain, and a cloud of dust, it disappeared into the bottom of the cavern. I stood at the edge of the door watching while it fell, thinking to myself, "I really hope I never run into any of those Trolls again, and I wonder if the catwalk bounced?" Until Lana grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me to the pilot's chair. She could have at least let me watch until the dust settled.

"You. Sit. Here!" she yelled in my face. "Strap your ass in and don't touch a thing until I tell you to."

Even though I knew the explosion was all her fault, I decided this probably wasn't a good time to bring it up so I strapped myself into the seat as she had asked. The panels and gauges in front of me weren't all familiar, since I had never been in a space plane before, but I did recognize most of the flight controls. After all, flying is my life. Well . . . flying, Digger, and trying to get some from the waitresses at Kelly's Bar. I tried to sit still and be patient until she was ready for me, but sitting quietly was never one of my strong points. Just ask the teachers who wrestled with keeping me quiet in class.

"Uh, Lana? Can I ask you a question?" I ventured into her fuming silence.

"Yes, as long as you don't have to touch anything to ask it," she replied gruffly while she continued her typing at the keyboard in front of her.

"Are you really going to let me fly this thing? It's not exactly a crop duster, you know," I asked softly. Most of this still seemed like a dream to me. I had given up all hope of ever making it into space in my lifetime, long ago. I guess that was pretty accurate, too. I mean, since I had died, this wasn't really in my lifetime, was it? It still gives me a headache to think about those kind of things.

"Don't worry about it," she answered stopping her typing long enough to turn and look at me. "All I need you to do is steer us out of the cavern and then into the mother ship. The computer will take control of the flight between the planets. You can handle that, can't you? I sure hope you can handle it, since my life is in your hands. Now please shut up and let me finish programming navigation. We don't have much time."

I was getting really tired of this woman bossing me around and talking down to me like I was some kind of Neanderthal. I decided it was time to make a stand and show her she wasn't my boss. So I did. I unbuckled my seat belt, stood up, stretched, and decided to have a look around while Lana did her thing. Whatever that was. I made it as far as the hatch leading to the rest of the ship before she grabbed me and shoved me back into my chair.

"Listen, you Redneck idiot, this is not a game," she hissed at me. "If you don't do exactly what I tell you, I am going to throw you out the air lock once you've served your purpose."

"How do I know you won't do that anyway?" I responded shrinking back into my chair. She may have been beautiful, but at that moment she looked downright scary.

"G.O.D. says I can't, or I would have gotten rid of you already. Besides," she continued, "it will be more fun to throw you out the air lock after we take off. Then I can watch you explosively decompress."

I could tell she was beginning to like me. Her hissing was taking on that bedroom quality the longer she talked and she kept leaning over me and pointing in my face, which gave a wonderful view down the front of her shirt. She had to know I was gonna look. That's the whole reason women wear those shirts, isn't it? Man, was she a turn-on when she was mad. I buckled myself in like she told me and pinched her delicious-looking behind as she turned away. For which I was dutifully slapped. Now I was sure she liked me.

Since I wasn't going to get to wander around, I settled for getting a better look at where I was. I sat back in my chair and gazed at the curved transparent walls surrounding me.

At first there wasn't much to see this far up in the cavern. The tunnels at this height were now deserted and the only thing coming through the top of the mountain was clear blue sky. Then, one by one, different parts of the windows turned into pictures from all around the ship. I could even see my trusty forklift sitting off to the side. It looked lonely without me. There was one picture that showed the Trolls hauling the last of the debris from the catwalk out of the blast zone. What a mess that one little button had caused. I thought it was kind of Lana to provide me with something to watch while she worked.

Lana finally finished her flight check and closed the hatch, pausing by the door long enough to punch a button that set off a loud siren outside the ship. I couldn't help ogling her tits as she climbed back into the seat next to me and pulled the belts across her chest. It reminded me of those Cross Your Heart commercials on t.v. that I loved as a kid. Still do, actually.

She checked all the view screens to make sure everyone was out of the way. Guess she didn't want to accidently roast a Troll. Then she flipped another switch that rotated the cockpit into it's forward flying position, which left me lying back in my chair, staring at the sky yelling, "Yeeee-Haw!! It's time to fly!"

Lana turned to me with a strange look on her face and told me we were ready to go, so I grabbed the big stick between my legs and flipped the switch marked "Booster Engine Start." The rocket engines roared beneath me. They were even louder than the glass packs on the '64 GTO I had in high school. What a rush! This was going to be even better than the fork lift. Of course, I should have known Lana couldn't stand me having a good time.

"Jordan!" she yelled at me, "Did I tell you to touch that button? Did I?"

"Uh, no," I answered meekly.

"All I want you to do is fly us out of the cavern. See the display in front of you?" she asked, tapping a long red fingernail against the display screen. "It will project the safest course out of here. That means you only need to touch the stick between your legs. Not the buttons, not the switches, just the stick and make sure you follow the little white line on your screen to get us out of here."

Lana turned back to her own control panel and flipped some more switches, making the engines roar louder and causing the ship to start shaking violently. Then she punched a red button in the middle of the control panel and we were off.

The ship lifted slowly at first and then gained momentum as I fought to keep control, aiming for the small hole at the top of the cavern. I made it through perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. It was just a little bump against the wall. It made this horrible nasty scraping sound, but at least it didn't do any major damage. I guess I should have looked at the screen rather than trying to fly it by myself. But I was too excited to
care about a bent fender; I was on my way to the moon. Well, A moon, anyway. This was the flight of my dreams.

Once clear of the cavern, we gained altitude quickly. After Lana finished programming the flight computer, the stick in my hand took on a life of it's own. We changed course, swinging around to the east, our thrust and incline increasing. The G-force mounted quickly, pushing me down in the seat. Time slipped, stretched, stopped, started and slowly settled back into the present.

The sky had turned black and the stars shone with a clarity that moved the soul, bringing faith one step closer to reality. We soared into the heavens as two spirits united in wonder. Or at least that's how I saw it. Lana was not quite the romantic that I am.

"You idiot! Can't you do anything right? You could have killed us." She was shaking violently for some reason and a little green around the gills. "All you had to do was point the damn thing at the hole and stick it through. You even had a trajectory path to follow. What could be so hard about that? I realize it's not a concept you've dealt with as often as grabbing the stick between your legs, but you've had to have done it at least once in your life!" She finished, her face changing from green to red as her anger overcame her fear.

"If it's so easy, why didn't you do it, huh? And what does that last comment mean?" I asked her. I was hurt; I thought I had done real well. It was my first space shot, after all. What the hell did she expect out of me, anyway? I sat sulking in my chair. She sure looked upset as she sat there and stared at me, and I couldn't figure out why. It's not like anyone would notice that the paint was scratched now that we had dropped the damaged booster into the ocean.

"I don't need you here anymore," she said after a long pause. "Go feed yourself. You do know how, don't you?"

I was beginning to love her more and more as I unbuckled and got out of the chair. She obviously cared about my needs. It must just be stress about having to fix the computer that was bothering her, not my flying. Now all I needed to know was where the food was. Being the woman of my dreams, she read my mind.

"Straight through that hatch there are living quarters. You'll find food in the first room on the left." She was softening up, I could tell.

"And don't touch a DAMN thing except food! Make sure you clean up your mess and stay out of my hair. If I don't see you again for the next 24 hours, it'll be too soon."

"Yep, she's definitely warming to me," I thought as I ambled off to find myself some grub.

Chapter 7 - Green Olives and Stale Peeps

I walked through the hatch and into a hallway that led to the back of the ship, taking the first left as directed. The ship's kitchen didn't look like any kitchen I had ever been in, but it did have all the basic requirements. Namely food, plus water and rags to clean up my mess. It also had all kinds of gadgets and knobs to push on things I didn't even begin to recognize. Following my normal investigative approach, I pushed and played with them all. It only took me an hour to clean up the mess. I was hoping Lana wouldn't notice that I had lost part of our food supplies when I put them on the shelf with the 'Jettison' button under it. I always wondered what that word meant, and I found out the instant I pushed that button.

It was pretty strange looking through the side port and seeing a loaf of bread drift through space. The bread didn't fall out of the bag, even though it was open and upside down. I wished I could do that at home, especially when I drop a piece with jam on it. Then it would always land jam side up. Not that the floors at home were something I would be willing to eat off of, but then Digger wouldn't make such a mess while he scarfed it up.

After a delicious lunch of some of my favorite things, I decided I should be a gentleman and take Lana something to eat. Even the Ice Queeen should be starving by now, and I figured it couldn't hurt to make some extra brownie points.

So, I whipped up one of my specialties, knowing she was going to love it. I put her meal on one of those fancy plastic space plates, complete with paper napkin and everything. I even remembered dessert. A little freeze-dried ice cream goes a long way in seducing a woman. As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed my reflection in the stainless steel cabinets and realized that damned cow lick was standing straight up again. There hadn't been much time to worry about how I looked since being Raptured. Setting down Lana's lunch, I tried making myself as presentable as possible. I spit in my palms, slicked back my hair, hitched up my pants, sniffed my pits, and decided there was no way she could resist me now that the dead rat smell had faded.

I proudly carried my masterpiece to the cockpit and stood next to Lana's chair, my best girl-catching grin spread across my face. I expected her to look at me with gratitude and love. All she did was scowl and yell at me. Even she couldn't still be mad about that little bump into the wall on takeoff, could she? She was obviously working hard to hide her true feelings for me. Some women are like that. Most of the ones I meet are, anyway.

"It hasn't been twenty-four hours yet, Jordan. Can you tell time or do you just wear that watch for decoration? Since I haven't called for you, why the hell did you come up here? And by the way, are you responsible for that loaf of bread I saw flying through space?"

"Uh...it was moldy and I didn't want it to contaminate the rest of the food," I lied quickly, marveling at how good I was at covering up what only a woman would call a screw-up.

"I brought you some lunch. I made it myself. I even brought you dessert and everything," I proudly told her while I held the plate up for her inspection.

She looked at the plate and I could tell she was amazed at my creative culinary abilities. Slowly she lifted the edge of the bread, peeking under it to see my creation.

"What in the hell is this?" she asked.

"It's a sandwich."

"I know that, Stupid. What is in it? What are those green and orange things?"

"That's the secret ingredient. Green olives. I found them in the cabinet. G.O.D. must know what I like."

"On peanut butter? Yuck," she said making a face. "You're sicker than I thought. Get that out of here before I puke."

"Just try it. I promise you'll love it as much as I do. I can't get enough of these myself. Why, back home - "

"Okay, okay! Enough! If it will make you shut up and leave me alone, I'll try one bite. I suppose it was nice of you to think of me."

She took the plate from my hands and balanced it carefully on her lap. I sat in the other chair to watch her enjoy my gift. She slowly broke a small piece of the sandwich off and put it in her mouth, closing her eyes and making the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was cute on her. She chewed for a few seconds and then took another piece and put it in her mouth.

"Maybe you're not quite as sick as I thought. This is actually pretty good." She sounded amazed.

"I knew you would like it. There's ice cream for dessert. It's freeze dried, but really good. It tastes kind of like those purple and pink marshmallow Easter bunnies after they've been in the cabinet a couple of months."

"Oh, that sounds real appetizing."

"Hey, you like the sandwich don't you?"

We really were a lot alike. The way to her heart was the same as the way to my. . . er . . . uh. . . well, you know. Through a person's stomach is always one of the best ways to other important parts of their body. She was in a much better mood while she was eating and we even had a real conversation. Sort of.

She told me about her boring years in college and how excited she was to have the opportunity to help found a new planet. She made it sound awfully tempting. Forging new frontiers and stuff like that. I stacked all the info away in my thinking pile, still trying to decide if maybe I would like to live on a frontier world.

I told her all about my life back home. She especially liked the story about when Digger ate that whole pan full of cornbread filled with jalapeños and had the burning shits all the next day. My favorite was the one about how Grandpa used to put his teeth in the preacher's soup when it was our turn to have him over for Sunday dinner. This kind of grossed her out, but she did laugh. That was when I knew I just had to kiss her.

I reached across to her with both arms, pulling her closer to my mouth so I could plant a big one on her. I didn't make it. She was startled, I guess, and jumped as I came close to her mouth. This caused all sorts of stuff I didn't intend. My teeth rammed into her forehead and she dumped her plate onto my shirt. I do really love peanut butter and green olives, but not all over my shirt. I was beginning to wish they had given me time to pack an extra set of clothes.

"What in the hell were you trying to do, Jordan?" Lana yelled after she had herself situated again.

"I just wanted one little kiss. As a thank you for your lunch. You know you want me."

"Want you? What a laugh! I haven't even decided if I am going to let you live yet. What makes you think I would let a red neck like you touch me?"

I knew my sandwich had done the trick. She was hopelessly in love with me now. I could tell from the look of total disbelief that crossed her face. I knew she just couldn't believe she had been lucky enough to fly the friendly skies with a wonderful, caring man like me.

Now it was time to give her a little space, as they say in them articles in magazines like Cosmo, to let her lust for me build. Not that I would actually read one of them things. I just heard some girls down at the bowling alley talking about it. Like I was saying, it was time to give her some space, and with my belly full, it seemed like a good time for a nap. So I left in a huff, with my best bewildered and lost expression on my face. I wanted her to think she had hurt my feelings. Which was true, but I could forgive her if it made her have sex with me.

I added to the effect by whimpering softly as I slunk off the flight deck and found the best thing I had seen in the ship so far; the only bed,and it was a tiny one. I briefly considered undressing so my smelly clothes wouldn't touch the bed, but I didn't want to startle Lana with my naked magnificence. Sliding under the thin cover, I curled up and headed for Dreamland, hoping for dreams of Lana, or even the Nymphs and Fairies would be okay. I already knew what they looked like naked.