Chapter 7 - Green Olives and Stale Peeps

I walked through the hatch and into a hallway that led to the back of the ship, taking the first left as directed. The ship's kitchen didn't look like any kitchen I had ever been in, but it did have all the basic requirements. Namely food, plus water and rags to clean up my mess. It also had all kinds of gadgets and knobs to push on things I didn't even begin to recognize. Following my normal investigative approach, I pushed and played with them all. It only took me an hour to clean up the mess. I was hoping Lana wouldn't notice that I had lost part of our food supplies when I put them on the shelf with the 'Jettison' button under it. I always wondered what that word meant, and I found out the instant I pushed that button.

It was pretty strange looking through the side port and seeing a loaf of bread drift through space. The bread didn't fall out of the bag, even though it was open and upside down. I wished I could do that at home, especially when I drop a piece with jam on it. Then it would always land jam side up. Not that the floors at home were something I would be willing to eat off of, but then Digger wouldn't make such a mess while he scarfed it up.

After a delicious lunch of some of my favorite things, I decided I should be a gentleman and take Lana something to eat. Even the Ice Queeen should be starving by now, and I figured it couldn't hurt to make some extra brownie points.

So, I whipped up one of my specialties, knowing she was going to love it. I put her meal on one of those fancy plastic space plates, complete with paper napkin and everything. I even remembered dessert. A little freeze-dried ice cream goes a long way in seducing a woman. As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed my reflection in the stainless steel cabinets and realized that damned cow lick was standing straight up again. There hadn't been much time to worry about how I looked since being Raptured. Setting down Lana's lunch, I tried making myself as presentable as possible. I spit in my palms, slicked back my hair, hitched up my pants, sniffed my pits, and decided there was no way she could resist me now that the dead rat smell had faded.

I proudly carried my masterpiece to the cockpit and stood next to Lana's chair, my best girl-catching grin spread across my face. I expected her to look at me with gratitude and love. All she did was scowl and yell at me. Even she couldn't still be mad about that little bump into the wall on takeoff, could she? She was obviously working hard to hide her true feelings for me. Some women are like that. Most of the ones I meet are, anyway.

"It hasn't been twenty-four hours yet, Jordan. Can you tell time or do you just wear that watch for decoration? Since I haven't called for you, why the hell did you come up here? And by the way, are you responsible for that loaf of bread I saw flying through space?"

"Uh...it was moldy and I didn't want it to contaminate the rest of the food," I lied quickly, marveling at how good I was at covering up what only a woman would call a screw-up.

"I brought you some lunch. I made it myself. I even brought you dessert and everything," I proudly told her while I held the plate up for her inspection.

She looked at the plate and I could tell she was amazed at my creative culinary abilities. Slowly she lifted the edge of the bread, peeking under it to see my creation.

"What in the hell is this?" she asked.

"It's a sandwich."

"I know that, Stupid. What is in it? What are those green and orange things?"

"That's the secret ingredient. Green olives. I found them in the cabinet. G.O.D. must know what I like."

"On peanut butter? Yuck," she said making a face. "You're sicker than I thought. Get that out of here before I puke."

"Just try it. I promise you'll love it as much as I do. I can't get enough of these myself. Why, back home - "

"Okay, okay! Enough! If it will make you shut up and leave me alone, I'll try one bite. I suppose it was nice of you to think of me."

She took the plate from my hands and balanced it carefully on her lap. I sat in the other chair to watch her enjoy my gift. She slowly broke a small piece of the sandwich off and put it in her mouth, closing her eyes and making the ugliest face I have ever seen. It was cute on her. She chewed for a few seconds and then took another piece and put it in her mouth.

"Maybe you're not quite as sick as I thought. This is actually pretty good." She sounded amazed.

"I knew you would like it. There's ice cream for dessert. It's freeze dried, but really good. It tastes kind of like those purple and pink marshmallow Easter bunnies after they've been in the cabinet a couple of months."

"Oh, that sounds real appetizing."

"Hey, you like the sandwich don't you?"

We really were a lot alike. The way to her heart was the same as the way to my. . . er . . . uh. . . well, you know. Through a person's stomach is always one of the best ways to other important parts of their body. She was in a much better mood while she was eating and we even had a real conversation. Sort of.

She told me about her boring years in college and how excited she was to have the opportunity to help found a new planet. She made it sound awfully tempting. Forging new frontiers and stuff like that. I stacked all the info away in my thinking pile, still trying to decide if maybe I would like to live on a frontier world.

I told her all about my life back home. She especially liked the story about when Digger ate that whole pan full of cornbread filled with jalapeños and had the burning shits all the next day. My favorite was the one about how Grandpa used to put his teeth in the preacher's soup when it was our turn to have him over for Sunday dinner. This kind of grossed her out, but she did laugh. That was when I knew I just had to kiss her.

I reached across to her with both arms, pulling her closer to my mouth so I could plant a big one on her. I didn't make it. She was startled, I guess, and jumped as I came close to her mouth. This caused all sorts of stuff I didn't intend. My teeth rammed into her forehead and she dumped her plate onto my shirt. I do really love peanut butter and green olives, but not all over my shirt. I was beginning to wish they had given me time to pack an extra set of clothes.

"What in the hell were you trying to do, Jordan?" Lana yelled after she had herself situated again.

"I just wanted one little kiss. As a thank you for your lunch. You know you want me."

"Want you? What a laugh! I haven't even decided if I am going to let you live yet. What makes you think I would let a red neck like you touch me?"

I knew my sandwich had done the trick. She was hopelessly in love with me now. I could tell from the look of total disbelief that crossed her face. I knew she just couldn't believe she had been lucky enough to fly the friendly skies with a wonderful, caring man like me.

Now it was time to give her a little space, as they say in them articles in magazines like Cosmo, to let her lust for me build. Not that I would actually read one of them things. I just heard some girls down at the bowling alley talking about it. Like I was saying, it was time to give her some space, and with my belly full, it seemed like a good time for a nap. So I left in a huff, with my best bewildered and lost expression on my face. I wanted her to think she had hurt my feelings. Which was true, but I could forgive her if it made her have sex with me.

I added to the effect by whimpering softly as I slunk off the flight deck and found the best thing I had seen in the ship so far; the only bed,and it was a tiny one. I briefly considered undressing so my smelly clothes wouldn't touch the bed, but I didn't want to startle Lana with my naked magnificence. Sliding under the thin cover, I curled up and headed for Dreamland, hoping for dreams of Lana, or even the Nymphs and Fairies would be okay. I already knew what they looked like naked.