Chapter 5 - Power Tools in Paradise

I had never actually driven a real live fork-lift, or even looked at one up close before, but, I thought, "How hard could running one be?" I looked at all the buttons and knobs and turned the key, since it was the only instrument that looked remotely familiar. The engine cranked over smoothly, purring like a kitten, surging with power when I stepped on the gas.

I pulled the lever in front of me, hoping it would make the fork-lift go forward. I was wrong, but man, can those things fly backwards. After bouncing off the stone wall behind me a couple of times, I tried the other lever. I had it going forward. I was good.

There I was, rumbling across the floor toward the crates in my machine, feeling like a manly man. I was almost there when I realized I had no idea how to stop the damned thing. Guessing that the other pedal on the floor was the brake, I slammed my foot down, not realizing how sensitive it was. I quickly learned just how sensitive the brakes were as the machine tipped forward and my head slammed against the hardened metal frame. I looked around quickly to make sure the luscious but mouthy Lana was still out of the room, as I rubbed the growing bump on my forehead and thanked G.O.D. she hadn't returned. He must have heard me, because Lana chose that moment to walk in.

I really wanted this woman to like me. She was bossy, but she was beautiful and I hadn't had any in weeks. Okay, months. It was the perfect match. I was desperate and she was here. If we were going to be the only two people on this trip, well . . . you never know what might happen. I could tell Lana was impressed by the way she was smiling as she watched me.

I managed to roll gently up to the first crate, and ease the fork-lift bars under it. I pushed what looked like the logical button and luck was on my side. The crate slowly rose to about 4 feet off the ground. Giving my trusty machine a little gas, I pulled the lever to back up. I was pretty sure I had mastered this part. Unfortunately, I was wrong, or perhaps my foot was just a little heavy on the gas.

The fork-lift zoomed across the cavern floor, slamming into the wall at the exact spot it had before. The crate shot off the forks and crashed noisily to the ground. The good part was that it didn=t break. I was sure this meant I was in for another tongue lashing (I'd like to show her something else to do with that tongue) from Lana, not to mention losing all the brownie points I had earned till now. I glanced over at her, expecting her to be running toward me, mouth going. She was doubled over with laughter, which hurt more than being yelled at.

Making sure I was doing it right and being much more careful with the gas, I picked up the crate a second time and rolled up the ramp into the ship's cargo bay. It was not what I was expecting, but then I don't really know what I was expecting. There was nothing at all interesting to see; it was just a big empty metal room.

I maneuvered to the far wall and managed to dump my load gently and almost straight. I turned the lift around and headed out for the rest of the crates, dragging them all into the ship in a kind of regular pile, while those little Troll things brought in ropes and lashed them to the walls. Backing out of the ship for the last time, I was thinking it must be time for a break after all the hard work I had done.

After parking the machine back where I had found it, I jumped out of the cab and started walking towards the computer room where Lana was talking to some machine; part of G.O.D., I suppose. On my way to her I stopped to watch the raising of the ship, now that it was all loaded.

It sure was a pretty plane, I thought again, as I watched it being raised toward the sky. I stood there watching the giant hydraulic lift that was pulling my plane into liftoff position, trying to figure out how many men it would take to perform the same task.

I was staring up at the weird nose bubble when I thought I saw it move. At first I figured it was just my imagination, but when I squinched up my eyes and looked harder, I realized it really was moving. I finally understood what the bubble was. It was a gyroscopic cockpit. What a great idea! No matter what the ship was doing, you were always on a stable floor in the command center of the plane. I could have used that feature during some of my dog fights with the Red Baron. I never was fond of hanging upside down.

I was beginning to have some respect for these aliens and their machines, but those rocket boosters had to go. I just couldn't figure out why an advanced alien race would use such an ugly primitive rocket. I decided I would have to ask Lana about it sometime. Preferably when she was in a good mood. "Like that would ever happen," I thought, shaking my head to myself as I walked into the room where she was working.

I waited for a few minutes to see if she would notice me, but she just kept on talking to the machine. Finally I walked over to her and tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She jumped, which was fun to watch.

"I'm done moving all your crates, Lana," I told her with a smile. "Now be a sweetheart and tell me where I can find something to eat in this crazy place, cause I'm starving." I didn't think food was too much to ask for since I hadn't eaten since before I died.

Dear sweet Lana just glared at me for interrupting her and said, "Not now, Jordan. It's time for us to leave. Go ahead and get yourself settled on the plane; just don't touch anything until I get there. I've seen you in action."

I looked at the ship and looked back at Lana. I didn't want to ask, I hate asking for directions, but it's not as if I knew how to get into the ship except for the cargo bay, which I had pretty well mapped out. So I stood there trying to figure out a way in.

I looked at the ship and looked back at Lana. I didn't want to ask, I hate asking for directions, but it's not as if I knew how to get into the ship except for the cargo bay, which I had pretty well mapped out. So I stood there trying to figure out a way in.

I thought I might actually look around this time, before asking, since I am not really that fond of being the fool. I walked back to the ship and made a complete circuit around it, looking for some sort of sign like maybe "Enter Here." Finally I gave up looking around and looked up. Low and behold, there was a catwalk leading right into the cockpit of the ship. The walkway seemed to be coming out of a tunnel at the top of the cavern. Now I just had to figure out how to get to the tunnel.

Lost and having no other choice but to admit it, I went back to the computer room where Lana was waiting for me. She had been standing there the whole time watching me search, her arms crossed in front of her and her butt resting against a table. Like she knew I would never figure it out.

Laughing at me once again, she asked, "Can't find your way home, little boy?"

The first thought to cross my mind was, "Why are you such a bitch?" But, since this was not a good way to get her into the sack, I gave her my meek male routine and asked her if she would just please tell me where to go.

"I'd love too, but G.O.D. says I need you," she replied, turning to the cavern wall behind her and pointing. "See that door marked 'Stairs to Catwalk?' Try using it."

I tried to think of something clever to say but in the end I just shook my head and walked off mumbling unpleasant, unrepeatable things under my breath and found the stairway.

I climbed to the top. There were 537 stairs; I know cause I counted every one. Now I was hungry, tired, out of breath, and fed up. I wanted to march back down the stairs to tell her just what I thought of the whole affair. But, she would have just made me climb back up, probably with a fire-breathing G.O.D. helping me along. So, I held in my frustration and limped slowly across the catwalk into the front of the ship.