Chapter 3 - The Trouble With Trolls

We arrived to a fanfare of Nymphs and Fairies. At least, I think they were Fairies. They were tiny little things flitting around my head in a blur. One came to rest in my hand. It was beautiful and blond with big purple wings. I could have fallen in love, but she was much too small to be of any use. I had never seen so many half naked little girls in my life. They were awfully cute, and very colorful. None of them except for Cyan had on real clothes and she was just wearing a short little silky dress.

The rest of them were wearing pieces of lace and many colored scarves wrapped around their bodies like veils or attached in ways I was not close enough to determine. Which was a good thing. It was a major effort to keep my baser interests in check as it was. Especially when they kept huddling around, trying to hug and kiss me, hanging on my every word.

They kept asking if I was the one who was going to save the world. I answered their questions as best I could, which wasn't very well. As for the saving part, I hadn't ever saved anything but my own ass in my life, so I told them not to rely too heavily on me to save the whole world. At this they just laughed their little Tinkerbell laughs and said that G.O.D knows all, and he had told them that I was perfect for the part of Savior. This scared me for some reason. A lot. Savior was not a job I would ever have applied for, much less wanted.

The clearing that Cyan had brought me to was just that - a clearing. No houses, no conveniences, not even a gas station where I could have used the john. Nothing but a wide space filled with tall grass and wild flowers surrounded by the forest. In the middle of the clearing rose a grassy mound with a door on top.

Yes, I said a door. I know I said that there weren't any buildings but it was definitely a door, standing there all by itself in the middle of the mound.

It looked like a normal door except that it didn"t go anywhere. It didn't lead into a room or building. You could walk all the way around it, which I did. It just stood there, going nowhere. The only decoration of any type was the word "G.O.D" inscribed in small calligraphic letters about eye level, with a lightening bolt stamped over it.

I did notice that it was made out of a massive piece of solid oak, making me wonder where in the hell an oak tree would grow on a tropical island. Then I remembered that this was God's island. It didn't have to make sense. Too bad that thought didn't make me feel any better about this whole ordeal.

I drew closer to the door, reaching out to touch it and make sure it was real. The Nymphs began to giggle harder as the door swung slowly inward. All this giggling was making me nervous.

"Go on," said Cyan impatiently, pushing on the back of my legs to urge me forward. "G.O.D is waiting and you haven't been delivered yet. Besides, I am still hungry. Leave, so I can eat, pleeease!"

Nodding to my fans, I stepped forward, trying to impress them with my grace and courage as I valiantly walked into the unknown. Which means, of course, that I tripped on the door frame and fell face first into whatever was beyond the door. What it was, I had no earthly idea. The Twilight Zone was what went through my mind at the time.

"Watch that first step," came drifting towards me as I fell into space, accompanied by the fading sound of giggles and laughter.

"I have got to get better at my entrances," I thought to myself as I looked at the nothingness surrounding me.

In the distance, through a narrow tunnel of light, I could see the Nymphs I had tried so hard to impress, watching me fall away. Not having done anything stronger than a little grass during my wilder days, I thought this must be what the druggies meant by trippin. The Nymphs and Fairies were shrinking away to tiny pinpoints, as the cave I had so gracefully entered became more solid and real.

Unfortunately, solid and real meant that I landed hard and painfully, my chin crashing into the rock, knocking a few teeth lose and making me see stars. My first thought was, "Damn, that hurts!" I was beginning to wonder if getting into Heaven was going to hurt every step along the way. And if it was, was it worth it?

Shaking my head gently to stop the ringing in my ears, I realized I had landed somewhere that was cold, slimy and scary. I couldn't even begin to describe the smell. Not the kind of place I imagined meeting God in. Well, I decided, he must know what he's doing. He's God, right? I was hoping there weren't any more cute little girls around to notice my clumsiness.

For once on this trip, I got my wish. There were definitely no little girls waiting in this place. Scattered around me were ten little Trolls, or at least that's what I think they were. They were short, ugly, long bearded, (even the women,
Ugh!), and decidedly unfriendly. They were standing in a circle around me, each with a lantern in his or her hand, staring menacingly through the dim light, directly at me. This was a graphic example of not being careful enough with wishes and hopes. I would have taken the Nymphs and Fairies any day. They were at least friendly, not to mention better looking

Apparently I wasn't moving fast enough to suit these Trolls. I was only lying there on the cold nasty floor for so long because I wanted the pain to go away. Okay, I'll admit it, I was also trying to remember just what it was that is supposed to turn Trolls to stone, wishing I had paid more attention to those fairy tales they made us read in grade school.

The ugly little monsters decided to hurry me to my feet by sending their smallest member over to kick me in the butt. For some reason, when I was sent on this mission to find God, I was expecting a loving God. Maybe even an ethereal angel - not abusive Trolls.

After the guy kicked me, (I'm assuming it was a guy . . . it's a little tough to tell when they all have beards), they turned as one and began marching down the stone hallway. You know, Trolls trudging through the tunnels. Picture it. All I could think of was a line from an old Disney movie my dad had taken me to on one of his few sober days. "Hi ho, hi ho, off to Hell we go."

Being basically a chicken-shit, regardless of what I said at Kelly's Bar and Grill after 8 or 9 beers, I hurried to my feet and followed. I didn't like the scurrying noises I heard coming from the corners, and they were walking off with my only source of light. It's not that I am afraid of the dark or anything. I just don't like being left alone in strange dark places. Now leave me there with a beautiful gal, and I would be happy.

As my eyes adjusted, I was able to study my surroundings more carefully. I knew I was in some sort of cave system, and it looked like it had been lived in for a long, long time. There was a homey feel to the place. The tunnel walls had been decorated with massive murals depicting fierce fighting between men and Trolls. The fact that all the men in the pictures were depicted as dying underneath Troll spears didn't provide much comfort. Many doors leading off to other rooms and numerous branches off the main tunnel made me worry about how many of these creatures there were. Then I saw my first batch of Troll children running through the halls.

Trolls are not very coordinated, not even when they're small, and I remember seeing no less than 20 slam into the tunnel walls along the way. They had great bounce, which would send them careening back and forth between the walls like living pinballs plummeting into bumpers. Given a beer and a lawn chair, this could be preemo entertainment.

After about 15 minutes of long smelly corridors that I thought would never end, the Trolls leading me came to a sudden halt. Of course, I was watching the little guys behind me and ran smack into the creatures in front.

Now I should tell you that grownup Trolls are only about 3 feet tall and I am a handsome 6'2". Not really, but I was 5"11' and 3/4 when I measured myself against the yellow burglar strip they had hanging on the doors at Kelly's bar. So, I'm pretty close to 6'2".

Anyway, we had been walking at a good clip and the force that I hit the Trolls with was enough to trip me and throw me over the top and right into the middle of their formation. I felt like a bowling ball taking out pins, coming to rest heavily on top of the leader of the gang and his two closest friends. It was a definite 7/10 split. Now I was grateful that they bounced so well. It had actually been kind of fun.

They could be a big attraction at the bowling alley. I'd make a mint selling tickets to bounce on them. Maybe we could go big time and travel across the country with the carnival, like I had always dreamed about as a little boy. I could picture myself standing on the box and yelling to the crowds, "Step right up and discover Troll bouncing, the nation's newest and most exciting form of recreation . . . " Such are the musings of a fallen man. At least until the Troll you have fallen on starts growling beneath you. Then you move quickly, or at least I did. Standing up took little effort since I had not been hurt, just a tad shaken up is all.

Once my feet where under me where they belonged, I helped the little guy who had been kind enough to catch me, to his. I tried to help him dust off the tunnel crud clinging to his clothing, but I kept having to dodge the blows of his fists and decided his people must like to be grungy. I can understand grungy. I like to go wading in the cow trough after it has greened over. It's not something you want to do all the time, but feeling slime between your toes every once in a while is good for you. It brings you closer to the Earth or some such thing.

When we had all the social graces out of the way, I turned and looked into the cavern they had led me to. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe God on his throne, or even some new and different mythical creature to lead me someplace else.

I wasn't expecting what I actually found, not in a million years. There before me was the nicest little space plane I had ever seen. Not that I had ever seen a space plane before except for the shuttle, and that was only on t.v. Man, could I spray some crops with this puppy. The only weird part about it, (other than its being in the middle of an underground cavern on an island in the middle of nowhere), were the silly rocket boosters attached to its back, and a big round clear bubble that made up part of the nose of the ship. It made it look like it had a large tootsie-pop on top. What a horrible thing to do to a nice machine.

Most of the Trolls walked around me, going on with their other duties as if I wasn't there. I scrambled up quickly and hid behind the largest rock to get out of sight, thinking maybe the rest would forget about me if they couldn't see me. Then I would have more time to study the situation.

Imagine my surprise when the rock melted into a large, and I mean large, dragon, who laughed at me. I yelped and jumped back in terror. Once again I fell into the leader of the Trolls, who had been left behind to guard me.

Luckily, he caught me in his arms this time and I sagged there shaking my head with my eyes firmly shut, telling myself that this was all a nightmare. But it wasn't a bad dream. When I opened my eyes again and looked around, I decided that I could handle this, no sweat! It was just a large cavern with a spaceship in the middle and mythical beasts all around. No problem, right? My mind and body, acting together, decided that today had just been too much and I did the only sane thing a person in my position could do. Off I fainted, into oblivion.