Chapter 12 - Really Old Popsicles

She led me down the hall to a room full of large glass and metal cocoons. Lana told me the aliens called them icepods. There were aliens sleeping in some of them. Merlin was standing in the far corner of the room flipping switches on a brightly lit instrument panel and causing the various machinery around the room to groan and click its way to life. Lana walked up to him to let him know we were there and stood talking to him for a few moments while I was left standing all by myself once again.

I really wished Lana would come up and talk to me like that rather than just bossing me around. I was thinking that if she would give me a chance, I could help her with something real important. Don't know what, but I knew if I just had the chance, I could do good.

I waited and waited and waited until I could not stand it anymore. First I tried coughing and clearing my throat, but that didn't faze them. You would think I was invisible or something, the way they ignored me. I was tired of those two thinking they could leave me out of everything, and I let my grievances be known. Rather loudly, I might add. "Yoo-hooooo!" I called to them.

"I'm over here, still alive and really bored. What do you want me to do now?"

"Hold your horses, cowboy," Lana yelled across the room. "You'll have plenty to do in a minute." She continued her talk with Merlin for a few more minutes while I twiddled my thumbs before she finally made her way back to where I was waiting. It was about time she payed attention to me.

"Time to get things rolling, Jordan. I need to find out what the problem is with the communications system, Merlin needs to work on the ship's navigational computers, and we need you to do us a favor by waking up the rest of the aliens. We are going to need lots more help if we are going to pull this off successfully."

"Merlin has already started the engines which will take this whole moon back to Earth, and we'll need everybodys help for even a slim chance of having everything ready and working before we arrive. Wouldn't want to give the idiots running things on earth any time to consider doing something stupid, like launching nuclear missiles at us."

"Why would they do that?" I asked bewildered.

"Think about it, Jordan," she said. "Tell the mice living in that space between your ears that it's time to start running, so that the gears in your mind will turn."

She was using her smart girl voice, which led me to believe she thought my question was pretty stupid. Mrs. Gossage always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. How was I supposed to figure out why some government would want to launch missiles at me? It's not like I'd ever done anything to them or nothing.

"Okay, Jordan, how can I put this in terms your tiny red neck mind can grasp?"

I don=t know why she kept carrying on. She was probably trying to cover for her inability to give me a straight answer to any question. I decided to be patient with her and let her work it out in her own time.

"Let's see," she said standing there tapping her finger against her chin.
AA small erratic moon that has circled Pluto throughout recorded history is now hurtling towards Earth, at unheard of speeds. Now remember the leaders of all those countries on Earth have absolutely no idea what is happening or who is behind it. What do you think our idiot politicians are going to try first; peaceful negotiations? I don't think so.

"If I don't have the communication system working by the time we get there, we won't be able to access the G.O.D. computer and set up the energy shield around the planet. That means all those nice nuclear bombs they will be launching at us will actually land here on Charon and we will be blown to smithereens. Was that simple enough for you? Do you understand the problem now, Jordan?"

I have to admit she could come up with a right fine answer when she put her mind to it. I just couldn't comprehend why she wasn=t moving quicker.

"Well what the hell are you doing wasting your time talking to me? Hurry your pretty little behind to wherever it is you need to be on this rock and fix things. Chop, chop, woman! I don't want to be fried by any nuke."

"My point exactly. Now, I'm going down to the main control room and see what I can find out. Jordan, just do whatever Merlin tells you and please try not to cause any trouble or break anything."

"Lana, you have no faith. Do I look like the type of man who would break something?"
She just shook her head and walked out of the room, leaving me stuck here with Merlin.
You know, I didn't mind taking orders from her. At least I could look at her luscious body while she was bossing me around while I hoped I would get her into the sack eventually. But now I had to look at The Great White Hunter with his ridiculous chicken legs while he gave me orders. This was going to be a real drag.

While the old dude wandered around the room reading monitors and flipping switches, I decided to start waking these popsicles up. Maybe one of them would be more laughs than Father Time over there. I walked around the room, looking at all of them and trying to decide who looked like the most fun. They were all sleeping away and looked pretty happy, but not as happy as I was looking at them. Every one of them was as naked as a jay bird.

This really made me want to wake the women up, but I would have been glad to let the guys keep sleeping once I saw how well hung they were. Not that I looked that closely or anything. I am not that kind of man. No wonder all the women had smiles on their faces. How was an Earthling supposed to compete?

I was pretty sure I had found the perfect person to wake up when I looked into one of the pods and lying there, with her clouds of long blonde hair, was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Okay, I know I said that about Lana, but I hadn't seen this one yet and besides, this one was a real blonde. Since she was naked, I could tell she didn't dye her hair. Blondes are always more fun. This one probably had a much sweeter disposition than Lana, and I could use a little sweetness and comforting, especially if she let me play with her before she got dressed. Now I just had to figure out how to wake this Sleeping Beauty up.

I tried banging on the top of the glass and yelling, "Yoo-hoooo . . . wake up in there! Time to rock and roll!" Unfortunately, all this did was make Merlin remember I was there. He came running over, screaming at me in the same annoying voice Lana usually used.

"You idiot! Don't you know you could kill them if you don't wake them up properly? There's not that many of us left. We can't afford to lose any more."

Merlin was really upset, his face was all red and his eyes were bulging even more than usual.

"Geez, Pops. I'm sorry. Lana told me it was my job to wake them up. I was just doing my best to help."

"Well, if you must help, do exactly as I tell you. See that green button that's flashing on the side of each pod?" he said, pointing at a button located on the side of the pod.

"Of course I see it, Merlin. I'm not blind, and the thing has to be at least three inches wide. What do I look like? A complete idiot?"

"Well, I have heard stories," Merlin said, taken by surprise at my response. I probably shouldn't have been so rude. Usually I like playing with buttons. I just didn't care anymore; I was tired and cranky and my Lana was somewhere else. The blonde could have replaced her, but she was still asleep and not much good to me that way.

"Okay, Jordan, what I need you to do is push the green button on all the pods that have someone in them. Just the green one, Jordan, and only push each one once. Don't touch anything else or you might kill them."

Like I was gonna take a chance and kill my blonde beauty by touching something I wasn't supposed to! He was beginning to sound more and more like Lana. It might have been cute on her, but with him it was just annoying.

I immediately went to the green button on the pod containing my new-found love. I pushed it and waited for her to open her eyes and fall madly in love with me on first sight. I waited and waited for what seemed like forever.

"Merlin, how long does this take?" I yelled over my shoulder, it's not like I had a whole lot of time here before we reached Earth.

"It takes a couple of hours, Jordan. The life support in each pod has to cycle itself into Awake Status. Move it along. Push the buttons on all of them and tell me when you're done."

"Damn, that long!" Merlin was beginning to sound exasperated. How was I supposed to know how long it would take to wake them up?


I walked around the room, pushing all the green buttons and counted them as I went. But, I kept my eye on the pod containing my big breasted beauty. I wanted her to see me before she saw any of those well hung alien guys.

After I pushed the final one, (there were 237 of them, by the way, Merlin was right about there not being many left), I told the old man I was finished and rushed back to my dream woman. She was awfully pretty to look at and I wished I could open the pod and run my hands over her body.

"Jordan, what are you doing?" Merlin asked, startling me from my fantasies.

"Just waiting. No harm in that, is there? I'm not touching any buttons while I do it. Can't you make it go any faster? I want to be the first person she sees when she wakes up. Then she will fall deeply in love with me and let me take her back to my farm on Earth, where we will live happily ever after."

Merlin began to laugh and snort. Tears were running from his eyes. "Lana was right, Jordan. You have an amazing sense of humor. Why would you think Miss Amy there would fall in love with you?"

"Well, I know for a fact that most women find me irresistible, they just aren't able to show it. For that matter, I stun most of them into silence with my presence, and they have to leave the room. It's a tough way to live, but I survive. Why would Amy here be any different, besides being an alien and all?"

Merlin was still chuckling softly as he took my arm and led me to another pod. This one contained the largest man I had ever seen in my life. He must have been eight feet tall. He was dark-skinned, with black hair down to his waist. He was a handsome man, I suppose. He had that well-muscled Fabio look that some women go gaga over. But the thing about him that stopped me in my tracks was when I looked down the length of his body and noticed his little buddy. No, make that his giant of a friend. It must have been a foot long, and it wasn't even up and "happy," if you know what I mean. My six inches looked more like a garden worm compared to that thing. I wasn't sure whether Merlin just brought me over here to depress me or if this guy had something to do with Amy. So I asked.

"Okay, Merlin, I agree that he is a giant of a man, but what does that have to do with me and Amy?"

"Jordan, this is Goliath. You remember the story from the Old Testament, don't you?@

"Well, yeah. So?"

"This is the man who played that part on your planet. He is also the husband of Miss Amy Geddon."

My heart broke in that instant and then rallied. After all, a divorce isn't that hard to get, at least not on Earth.

"Well, Merlin, I'll take my chances. Maybe if I am the first thing she sees, she'll forget old Goli there and come home with me."

"Jordan," Merlin went on, still trying let me down gently, "they have been married for four thousand years, and while I will admit that Amy is one of our more fun-loving and carefree people, you don't stand a chance in Hell of ever getting more than a hug or a kiss from her. Many have tried over the centuries, and they have all failed. Compared to Goliath, they just don't measure up, if you know what I mean," he finished with a snicker and a jab of his elbow into my side.

Oh well, I thought. Hugs and kisses would be nice, but I'd have to make sure the big guy wasn't watching. He could pound me into the ground with one hand.

"Come along, Jordan. I have other things for you to do. We need to get the Colony Pods ready. That should keep you busy and take your mind off your love life for a while. Follow me."

Like anything could take a man's mind off his love life. I wanted to be there when Amy woke up, but thought I better do what he said. I did want them to be ready when we reached Earth. The thought of nukes scared me as much as the thought of being spaced if I messed something up.