Chapter 16 - The Voices in my Head

I knew she cared, but it was nice of her to finally admit it. I needed to hurry through this job so I could get back inside and explore these feelings she had a little closer. Preferably in a bed and naked.

After making sure the tether line was still attached and not tangled in any way, I began the long climb to the top of the hundred foot tower. Lana talked to me the whole way. She was going on about how there should just be something stuck in the gears, because the tracking system still said all the servo-motors were working fine. Then she started talking about how wonderful the aliens were and how much they had accomplished that Earth had not even considered yet. She had just started in on the computational programming algorithms when I finally reached the top.

I was grateful, because one more minute of listening to her babble nonsense would have been more that I could've handled. Watching her boobs while she talked was one thing, but listening to her go on about stuff I didn't have a clue about, while climbing a metal ladder in a spacesuit, was too hard. I had been fighting the urge to leap to my death, ripping off my helmet on the way down, just so I couldn't hear her anymore, since about halfway up the tower.

"Lana, shut up!!!" I yelled into her monologue, knowing I would have to be quick if I expected her to quiet down.

"I'm here at the top looking at the bottom of your stupid dish. Just please tell me what to do so I can get back inside where it's safe. If you mention one more word about the wonders of alien engineering, I'm going to commit suicide right here."

"Oh, I just thought you might be interested. This place really is rather spectacular. Besides, this way I did not have to listen to you sing."

"I don't care, Lana. I just want to get down and back inside where I can take a nice long nap. Your welcome to join me if you'd like," I added hopefully.

"Not in this lifetime, Jordan," she shot back. "Okay, tell me exactly what you see, and I will try to figure out what is wrong. This really would have been easier if you had not smashed the camera."

"Get over it already, Lana. It's not like I planned on making the job harder. I've always been known for taking the easy way out. Just ask my friends."

"What do you see, Jordan? I would like to get this done before we reach Earth, remember."

"Well, I see the bottom edge of this stupid dish, and I see a bunch of metal gears going up into the center of it."

"Those gears are what I am concerned with, Jordan." She was all business now. "Can you tell if there is anything caught in them?"

"Well, now that you mention it, there does seem to be something lying in the teeth of one of them. It looks like some kind of long piece of metal, maybe a crowbar or something. Let me see if I can get a little closer. I'll try to find out what it is."

"Be careful, Jordan. I know you are pretty much weightless out there, but a fall would still be scary."

"You're telling me," I thought as I climbed above the last rung of the ladder and into the metal structure of the dish itself. Being weightless was a new experience for me. It made climbing things much easier, but I kept looking at the ground to make sure I was still attached to the rover. I didn't want to just keep climbing into space or be stuck here forever.

I thought about sex in zero g for a moment, but since there wasn't anyone else out here to play with, it didn't hold me for long. I even contemplated what would happen if I just used my hand and got myself off. Would my little swimmers just keep heading for the stars with no gravity to pull them down?

I made it as far as touching the front of my suit when I remembered that if I opened the suit I would die. That killed all thoughts of sex and made me just want to get this job done and go back to the ship to catch a nap. Sex in dreams is much safer than sex in space.

I made it up as far as I could and finally got a good look at the gears. There was no doubt what the problem was now. Lying with its tip wedged in the gears, was a sword. A long beautiful sword, with a shiny gold hilt. I immediately reported my find.

"Hey, Lana. I don't know how this got up here, but a sword is definitely stuck in the gears."

"Quit playing around, Jordan. There is no way a sword could get up there."

"I am not playing, Lana. There really is a sword stuck in the gears. Looks like it is in there pretty tight, too."

"Well, Jordan, remove it."

"How do you expect me to do that? It's not like I am King Arthur, who can pull a lodged sword out of a rock."

"You will never know until you try," whispered a voice in my ear.

"Huh? What did you say, Lana? I couldn't quite catch it. My speaker must be cutting out."

"I haven't said anything yet, Jordan. I was thinking. Try the cutters in your suit pocket. They are made by Ginsu and are supposed to cut through anything."

"You fell for that ad? Grandma bought a set of those one year at the state fair. She said they worked real good on the tomatoes until I decided to test them by cutting the axle off of Grandpa's 1931 John Deere that had been rusting behind the barn for 50 years. I went through all six of the knives that came in the set and never did more than scratch that axle. Grandma said if - "

"Jordan, you know if you keep talking you will use up all your oxygen. You know what that means, don't you? You run out of air and die. Have you got the cutters out?"
She never would let me finish a story. If she just let me get to the end of a tale, I know she would really enjoy it.

I was fumbling around, trying to get the cutters out of the pocket, but this time it wasn't my fault. Have you ever tried to get something out of a pocket with space gloves on? Probably not, I guess, but believe me, it ain't easy. I finally managed to get a grip on them and pull them out.

"Aha!" I cried triumphantly.

"Be careful, Jordan. Don't drop them!"

Damn, when would this woman learn? But, just to be sure, I got a better grip on them before answering her. "Yes, dearest. I have them right here in my strong, masculine hand. I'm going to cut the sword out now."

"Okay, Jordan. Just be sure you do not damage the gears."

Apparently she hadn't understood my point about the Ginsu knives, but I didn't have the time or energy to explain it to her right now. I decided to just continue with my chore and get back in the rover as quickly as possible.

Driving the rover was the most fun I had managed so far on this stupid piece of rock and I wanted to enjoy it while I could. I was thinking that maybe if I did a good job up here, Miss Bossy would let me take the rover for a quick little joy ride around the moon before I had to put it away. I grabbed the hilt of the sword and was about to attempt to cut through it when a voice yelled,

"No! Please, not that! Just try to pull me out first. That is all I ask. You might be the one."

"The one what? What is your problem, Lana? I thought you wanted me to cut this thing with the Ginsu. You losing it on me or something? I mean, if you have a better way, just tell me."

"Jordan, you are the one losing it. I have not said anything. I am just standing here quietly, waiting for you to get your ass moving and get the damn thing cut out."

"Well, I heard a voice in my helmet, asking me to please not do it this way. And then it said that I might be the one. If it wasn't you, who was it?"

"I have no idea where the voices in your head come from, Jordan. Are you sure you are not on any medication I need to know about?"

"No, I am not on any medication, but I could have sworn I heard the voice."

"Well, maybe you should be. You can find out later. Would you just please get the damn sword out of there right now, we will worry about your mental health some other time."

"Okay, here goes. I am bringing the cutters to the sword."

"Nooo! Please do not cut me, kind Sir. You are not sick or anything. It is I who is talking to you."

"I, who?" I asked. This was getting pretty strange.

"What is your problem now, Jordan? Voices again?"

"Shut up, Lana. Someone is trying to talk to me."

"In your dreams, Jordan. There is no one else out there to talk to you."

"Whatever, Lana. Be quiet till I figure out what the hell is going on."

"Till you figure it out! That will be the day. Your parents have probably been waiting for you to figure it out since birth."

"Ignore her, kind Sir. She can not hear me, and you are causing yourself unneeded grief. I am Excalibur. The sword of kings and mighty wizards."

"Yeah, right, and I am Donald Duck." Nymphs, Fairies, Trolls and now Excalibur. "How gullible do these aliens think I am?" I thought to myself.

"I do not care if you want to be Donald Duck, Jordan. Just cut the damn sword out of the gears!" Lana was yelling now. She must have really thought I was nuts.

"I am very pleased to meet you, Sir Donald, but those puny little scissors in your hand will not make a dent in my magnificent metal. The only way you can remove me is if you are pure of heart and can pull me from the gears."

"You mean like King Arthur?"

I heard Lana mumbling something like, "Why now, G.O.D.? Why did he have to go nuts now? Maybe his air tank is low." I ignored her and listened for the sword to answer.

"Yes, just like Arthur. He was such a fine king. He took me into many battles, all of which I emerged from unscathed. Now grab hold of me and pull, Sir Donald. Please."

I grabbed the sword with two hands, which was kind of dangerous since I was a hundred feet in the air. At first I thought there was no way it was going to come out this way. Then I could feel the tension on it start giving, and knew it was about to come free. Just as it came out in my hands, I gave a shriek of joy and the world, (or should I say moon?), spun upside down. I felt myself going into free fall as the dish spun away from me. I'm not sure what made me react so quickly, but it's a good thing I did. I dropped the sword and grabbed the edge of the dish hanging on for dear life, closing my eyes, and screaming at the top of my lungs, as I hung in space.