Chapter 17 - Sometimes You Have to Pinch Yourself

Lana's voice cut through my screams. "Jordan, Jordan! Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
I was pushing the buttons to check the controls of the antenna when you managed to get the sword loose. I thought you would let me know when you were about to pull it out!"

I sure loved her, but how did she always manage to make everything my fault? I didn't have time to think about this, as I was shaking in my boots. Both pairs of them.

"I was letting out my scream of accomplishment when you threw me off. I can't be responsible for it turning into a scream of terror. Now tell me how to get down, please. I don't know how long I can hold my weight. Please, G.O.D., don't let me die on this moon." I meant it as a prayer, even if it did sound kinda like a whine.

"Oh hush, Jordan. You could hold your weight forever. You do not weigh anything here, remember?"

This calmed me down some, as she was right, and I could have even pulled my body up onto the dish where it was safe. What a relief. I had been imagining myself splattered on the rocks below, with the air slowly hissing out of my suit. Then the depressurization would cause my entire body to be sucked out of my suit into space, just like Ripley's baby in Alien 4. Not a pretty picture to have going through your mind. Now all I had to do was get down.

"Any brilliant ideas on how I get down from here, Miss Know It All?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I have a great suggestion. Let go, you fool."

"You would say that. Here I was thinking you were such a nice woman and you tell me to just let go. You really want to see me splatter on the rocks, don't you? To think I loved you, and you were just pretending to like me. This is how you get back at me for being able to fly. You can't handle needing anyone, can you? You women are all alike."

"Are you done being an idiot yet, Jordan?"

"I don't know. Are you done telling me to let go?"

"Alright, Jordan. The way I see it is that there comes a time in every man's life when he must make a choice." I was pretty sure I had heard this speech before, but I didn't understand where she was going with it.

"You have three choices. You can haul your ass into the satellite dish and sit there until your suit runs out of air and you die. Number two is make another leap from the dish back to the ladder. But I see you crashing into it and hurting yourself. Possibly ripping your suit and, again, running out of air and dying. Number three is you can be that real man you keep telling yourself you are and let go, pushing off ever so gently and landing on your feet. There is hardly any gravity and you should fall slowly and not hurt yourself."


I wasn't particularly fond of any of her choices. My pick would be the one where they send out a fire truck with a really tall ladder to get me down, but that didn't seem to be on the list. She had a point about the no gravity thing, and I knew I probably wouldn't get hurt, but knowing and doing are two different things. I couldn't remember any spiky rocks directly underneath, but I looked down to make sure I wasn't forgetting some jagged behemoth situated below me. Not a smart move.
Do you know how scary it is looking down from the top of a huge satellite dish? Well maybe not, but trust me, it is scary. The only thing that kept me from shedding tears uncontrollably was the sight of the sword as it floated the last few feet to the ground. I could see it land with a little puff of moon dust and it broke my heart to think I had held Excalibur, the most famous sword in the universe, in my hands, and dropped it.

I was still trying to see if I could think of an answer that was better than Lana's when she started yelling at me through the headset. "Look, Jordan, I do not have all day. You have fixed this problem. For which I am very grateful. Now I need to go back up to the control room and make sure we have made contact with G.O.D. I am going to give you exactly five minutes to get your ass back here, or I am going to leave you out there alone. Your choice. Now what is it going to be, boy? Are you going to be a man and let go or a frozen mouse on the face of this moon?"

Then it struck me, like a lightening bolt from heaven. An idea that Lana hadn't thought of! I wouldn't have to let go, or die out here. I could just be ransported. That's the ticket. Now all I needed to do was tell Lana. The only down side I saw was that I wouldn't get to drive the moon rover again, which really sucked. Lana might be proud of me for thinking up something different and for being willing to use alien technology that she knew I was afraid of. I was mulling over the pros and cons when Lana broke in.

"Okay, Jordan. Your time is running out. Are you going to be a man or a popsicle mouse?"

"Neither!" I yelled back into the microphone.

"You're going to transport me and the rover back inside the airlock. Don't forget to get the sword, too. I think it might be important. How's that for an answer, Smarty Pants? I thought of something you didn't. Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!"

"Oh, grow up, Jordan!" was the last thing I heard before I found myself back in the tunnel, safe and sound, under the moon rover. Luckily, I was under the chassis instead of the tires, so I wasn't hurt. "Much easier than letting go," I thought to myself.

This had even been a soft landing, since Lana made me materialize on the floor. I wasn't about to complain about being under the rover. I was just happy she didn't materialize the sword under me, although I am sure she considered it.

"Okay Jordan, haul your butt out from under the rover and get out of your suit. I am going to transport back to the control room to make sure the system is up and orking. Do you think you can find your way back to the pod room, or do you need me to hold your hand and make sure you get there?"

"You go on ahead, Sweetness. I'll take the sword and go find Merlin. Maybe he can explain how it got stuck in the antennae gears." I wanted to make her hold my hand, but I knew she was just kidding and I needed some time to myself after this last experience.

"If you are sure you can find the way, Jordan, I am going to leave you now. The rest of the aliens should be awake by this time. Please be polite and do not hit on any of them, for G.O.D.s sake."

That thought spurred me into action. My Amy was awake. Hopefully she would be with Merlin. Only now I wished that I had picked out clothing more suited for carrying a sword. It was going to clash with the western gear I had on. I scooched out from under the rover and started trying to take my helmet off. I should have payed closer attention to how Lana fastened the damn thing instead of ogling her tits, because after 30 minutes I still couldn't figure out how to remove it. That was the point when this buzzer started going off in my ear.

It kept repeating, "Warning! Suit oxygen depleted! Five minutes until asphyxiation!"

I wasn't sure what asphyxiation meant, but I did know that running out of oxygen was not a good thing. I redoubled my efforts, determined that I was not going to die inside a tunnel full of air just because I couldn't remove a stupid helmet.
So there I was, desperately rolling on the floor and grappling with my helmet, when Miss Amy walked in. The warning in my helmet was now, "60
seconds until expiration, 59 . . . 58 . . . "

I was so frantic by this time that when Amy sat down on my chest in order to get to the helmet controls, I didn't even know she was there. I just thought the weight on my chest was from lack of air. Then I heard a click and a hiss as the helmet came free.

I laid there breathing in great gulps of air with my eyes closed, waiting for the pressure on my chest to ease, but it never did. I opened my eyes, and there on top of me was my dream, my Amy. I thought maybe I was still delusional from lack of oxygen, but decided I could have fun with my delusions. It's not like I hadn't had some pretty fun delusions, illusions, and dreams in the past.

I grabbed Miss Amy and hugged her to my chest, kissing her face and hair and breathing in the womanly scent of her body. If this was a dream, it was one of the best ones I ever had. It was so real. I could feel her huge breasts rubbing
against my chest, the thin silk of her dress and the warm skin beneath it. Her legs were sliding down between mine. My hard-on pressed against her body. Then she started kissing back. I dragged one hand from her back and pinched myself to see if this was still a dream and it hurt like the dickens. It wasn't a dream. This gorgeous babe was really kissing me.

I was stunned, but only for a moment before my auto pilot took control. I wrapped my arm around her once again and started sliding it down her back to see if I could get to the end of her dress and underneath where I could touch some skin. I was thinking that if this was going to go much farther, I needed to get out of this space suit and the clothes underneath.

I was just about to suggest this to her when I opened my eyes again and saw Goliath standing above me. He was staring down into my face, and he wasn't smiling. I stopped everything I was doing and removed my hands very slowly from Amy's body, wishing with all my heart that I would pass out again so I wouldn't feel the pain when Goliath beat me to a pulp for playing with his wife. Amy noticed that I was no longer responding and looked up to see her hubby standing over us.

"Oh Goliath, get that look off your face. You are scaring the poor boy," she said in a rather New York Jewish Princess sort of voice.

"Sorry, Hon. Habit, I guess," he replied, turning his scowl into a large toothy smile. I am not real sure that his smile looked any less scary.

"I thought you might need some help with this one. From the description I got from that Lana woman, he sounded pretty incompetent."

"He's harmless, Babycakes. I found him rolling on the floor, unable to remove his helmet and the air warnings going off, so I climbed on top of him to remove it. He was just grateful for all my help in saving his life. Weren't you Jordan?" She smiled up at Goliath while she patted my chest with her perfect little hand.

"Yeah, . . . that's it." I agreed seizing on her excuse.

"I was just grateful, Goliath. In my family we always show our gratitude with physical contact and she was just sitting there on top of me, so beautiful I couldn't resist."

"Don't worry about it, Jordan. Lots of men have that reaction when they find Amy sitting on top of them. I know I still do, and I have been married to the woman for four thousand years.

"Now, Amy, I think you should get up before you destroy the poor boy completely. I haven't even had sex with you since we woke up and you know the rules. I get you first."

"Alright Goliath, but now I am in the mood and you better take care of it soon."

While she said this, she looked up at Goliath with a look I would have killed to have directed at me. With that, she stood up and backed out of the way, so Goliath had room to help me stand up in this stupid suit. He would be great to have around the farm I thought, as his giant hand pulled me upright. I bet he could even pull that old Buick out of the ditch I put it into a few years back.

Once I was upright, Amy helped me get out of the space suit and put it up properly, making sure to put in a new air cartridge, while Goliath stored the rover back in its little garage. Amy told me how much she liked my cowboy outfit and that the Old West had been one of her favorite places to play.

As Goliath walked toward us from the garage area, I could see that he was carrying my lovely treasure from the dish in his hands. I could also hear it complaining in a very high-pitched voice.

"Unhand me, you brute! What do you think you are doing? Where is that lovely Sir Donald who rescued me? You are not pure of heart, or anything else. You have not been pure of heart for thousands of years. I can tell. Why, the images of lust and violence radiating off of you fill this whole room. The thought of someone like you handling me is enough to make me rust. If I could rust. It is just a figure of speech, you understand."

As Goliath handed the mouthy sword to me, he asked, "G.O.D., Jordan. Where did you find this thing? Merlin was supposed to recycle it years ago so those human idiots would quit wreaking havoc with it."

"Do not think he didn't try!" shrieked Excalibur.

"In the antenna gears," I answered as I took the sword in my hands. Excalibur immediately began to purr like a kitten.

"Lord Donald," it begged, "Promise you will not let these heathens handle me again. I have been a long time without anyone touching me, so I am very sensitive to the bad aura emanating off of them."

"Bad aura my ass, Excalibur," Goliath huffed. "You just know we would both rather see you recycled into something that might actually be useful, like maybe a door stop or tinfoil."

"Please, Master, do not let them hurt me," exclaimed Excalibur. "I promise to be a good and true sword for you. I will kill all of your enemies and your friends will look at you with awe when they see you carrying me, Excalibur, Sword of Kings. You are so good and so kind. Not at all like these horrible people here who do not appreciate the value of a trustworthy sword."

Goliath looked like he was ready to rip the sword in half with his bare hands and Amy was laughing and going on about how she had told the men that creating a talking bloodthirsty sword was a bad idea. But who listens to the women?

I thought it was great that I finally had someone who recognized me for the wonderful man I am. Even if that someone was a sword. So I hugged Excalibur to my body and promised him that I would never let anyone else touch him ever again. He was mine, and I wasn't giving him back.

After groans of disgust, Amy and Goliath started off back down the hall towards the elevator. I didn't want to get left behind, so I clutched onto my precious new sword even tighter and hurried to catch up.