Chapter 19 - Be Good and I will Let You Hack Up Small Furry Creatures

I took this moment, while the whole room was erupting in cheers and the people were slapping each other on the back, to make my away across the room to where I had seen Merlin standing before everything went nutso. I needed to ask him about the sword. I had wanted to talk to Lana about how she left me to die, but after breaking her computer I thought it best to get away when she wasn't looking.

Merlin looked up as I approached, and his jaw dropped halfway to the floor when he saw what I was carrying. I never knew his eyes could stick out that far. When he finally found his voice, it was filled with fear and disbelief.

"Oh no! Why didn't you leave that thing where you found it? And how did you find it? I thought it would be in the far reaches of the galaxy by now."

Merlin was silent again, standing there shaking his head and looking like I had just killed his dog or something. I didn't get it. Why all the fuss over a sword? It couldn't be that bad. Then Excalibur got very hot in my hands and started shrieking in a voice high enough to peel paint right off the wall.

"Why, you old bastard! You wish I had disappeared into oblivion! My Lord, loosen your grip and let me run this old fake through. I will see you in pieces, magician!"

I didn't understand anything that was going on between Merlin and my sword, but I was pretty sure that letting go of Excalibur was a not the thing to do. A big sword hacking people up in the control room would be very bad for morale, not to mention the computers. Besides, I was kinda fond of Merlin by now and really didn't want his blood pooling at my feet.

I gripped Excalibur as tightly as I could and whispered sweet nothings into his hilt to help calm him down. You know - things like, "Good sword, no you can't cut Merlin. Just be good a little longer and I will take you home. Then you can hack at trees and small furry creatures . . ." Anyway, you get the idea.

Merlin stared at me with silent disgust while I petted and whispered my sword into being quiet for a few minutes. The sword's shuddering was now down to a level where I could talk to Merlin again without it leaping from my hand and I asked what all the fuss was about.

"The damn thing never shuts up, that's what it's all about," shouted Merlin.
"Kill, kill, kill . . . that, and run at the mouth, is all it ever wants to do. It could never understand that humans had found much more efficient ways of killing than swords and that he was obsolete. I agreed not to recycle him out of some misplaced sense of sentimentality, I suppose and I really thought that keeping it to talk to while everyone else slept would be nice. After three or four years of listening to him go on and on about the good old days and that damned Lady of the Lake, I couldn't take it any more.

"One afternoon I snapped. I closed my mind to the thing and walked quietly to the closest airlock. Then I tossed its evil misbegotten self inside and pushed the button, jettisoning him out the damn airlock. I was hoping he would float forever."

Just then Amy piped in, "Well he didn't. You lodged him into the antenna gears, you silly old goat. You should have sent him flying down the disposal shoot. And just for the record, I thought I was a magnificent Lady of the Lake."

"You were, dear," answered Merlin. "It is just that I did not want to hear the story told over and over again for hours at a time, day in and day out. You are also right about the disposal chute."

"To think it was a mouthy egotistical chuck of metal that caused me to be alone for the last fifty years. I should have known it would find some way to retaliate. What a worthless, no good piece of unfinished universe. The worst idea I ever helped give birth too. Jordan," he finished with a sigh, "Hand it over now so I can destroy it completely. The world will be a much safer place without Excaliber in it"

"Yes, Jordan," Lana said, adding her two cents worth. "Give him the damn silly sword and get out of here. I have a shield to raise, remember?"

That was when Excalibur began to vibrate erratically in my hands. My fingers started slipping and my grip was being loosened by the incredible force the sword was putting out. I had to do something, and fast, before someone lost a body part. I was pretty sure I would be one of the first, since that's the way things seemed to work for me on this trip. I wanted to keep all my body parts.

I quickly blurted out between shaking teeth that I would gladly take Excalibur home with me, since Merlin obviously didn't want it back and it didn't seem like Excalibur was real anxious to be back with the aliens.

"Never! No way. Impossible," started Merlin. "Do you have any idea what this sword is capable of? And how much he loves to interfere with humans? Arthur was not supposed to die, you know. This sword's meddling changed the whole story line, not to mention the years it took us to get history back on track."

Excalibur was still shaking, but he paused as Merlin finished speaking. He was waiting to see what I would come up with next, I guess. I was pretty sure Excalibur wanted to be with me, so I thought it wouldn't be too hard to get him to go along with my next suggestion.

"Tell you what, Merlin," I said, thankful that my teeth were no longer being shaken loose from my head. "How about if Excalibur promises not to do anything to interfere with humans, and swears to listen to me and only me?"

This is when my Homicidal Honey, Lana, couldn't restrain that urge she has to give me hidden compliments in front of other people. "Yeah, like that should make us all rest easy. The idiot giving the psycho sword orders."

"At least I never left anyone to die in their space suits!" I yelled. "AIt was real kind of you to go off and leave me writhing in agony as my oxygen ran out. How was I supposed to know how to get the helmet off?"

"Two buttons and a half of a turn, Jordan. I thought you were paying attention when I put it on. Even a half-trained chimp could have gotten out of that suit. Silly me, I should have known better than to give you credit for having as much ntelligence as an ape."

"Uh . . . well, I . . . er . . . It=s your fault! You kept rubbing your tits on the glass in the front of the helmet so I couldn't see what you were doing. If you weren't teasing me all the time, these things wouldn't happen."

I knew I had finally hit the nail on the head and there was no way she could deny it. That was why she threw her hands up in the air and walked away, mumbling something about men, egos, libidos, (whatever those are) and brainless twits. Merlin took my mind off Lana's fickle behavior by saying something nice to me, which was something it seemed I could only count on from Merlin. He was the most intelligent person I had met on this whole adventure. Well, Amy was pretty smart, too. That was obvious from the way she knew I was a man to be reckoned with when she sat on top of me.

"Jordan, I may live to regret this, but I will consider your idea. I think Lana has underestimated you and it is obvious from the fact that you were able to pull Excalibur from the satellite dish that you have a good heart. Even if you do keep that fact well hidden from the people around you. If that worthless hunk of metal will swear to never ever do anything unless you tell it to, I may let you keep him. Just keep it out of my sight, and hearing, for the rest of the time you are here. You must promise that you will not use Excalibur for any evil purpose or personal gain. I will trust you to keep your word."

"I swear it, Merlin. I won't even use it to impress the women and get them into the sack with me. How about you, Cali? Are you game? I promise to keep you well polished."

The sword hummed in my hands and slowly drew out it's promise to Merlin. "Well . . .I suppose it is better than being left stuck in that damn dish and certainly better than the disposal unit. I promise to abide by the old man's rules, as long as he promises to never come back to Earth and harass me. And, My Lord Donald, . . . I don't need to be polished. I was created from the essence of the universe and I will keep my sexy shiny luster forever. All I need is a little taste of blood every decade or so."

"You need nothing of the sort," interjected Merlin. "Don't start your nonsense already, you piece of gaudy junk, or I will dismantle you right here and now. And his name is not Donald, you mindless metal maniac. It is Jordan!"

"I was just kidding Merlin! You never could take a joke, always had to have your feather in a ruffle. I was probably better off out there stuck in that damned antenna all these years, rather than in here with an old sour puss like you. I am sure Jordan will appreciate my sense of humor. Anyway, I promise and swear and all that stuff."

I could hear Excalibur laughing in the back of my mind, but this didn't seem like the time to mention it to Merlin. He might not let me keep Excalibur if he knew.

I patted my new friend on his hilt and reassured him that we were going to be good buddies from now on. My other good friend, Merlin, then said the only thing that could have made me almost as happy as Amy going to a sleep pod to curl up with me.
He suggested I get something to eat and take a nap, as it would be a while before we would reach Earth. The nap sounded great, but I wasn't going to eat any more of that recycled crap. And I do mean crap, literally.

"Thanks, Merlin, but I'll pass on the food. I'm really tired, but not feeling real hungry right now." Of course, my stomach chose this moment to make a liar out of me and gave a loud and long growl.

Merlin chuckled and asked if there wasn't still food on the space plane Lana and I had arrived in. This made me remember the peanut butter and green olives and I started drooling just thinking about some of my favorite sandwiches tucked in my tummy before a nice long nap. I thanked Merlin and hurried out as fast as I could go, carrying that heavy sword. As I left, I overhead Goliath and Merlin talking about me, but my stomach was now making demanding noises and I didn't pay too much attention.

"Do you think that was really a good idea, Merlin?" I heard Goliath ask.
"Maybe not, Goli, but I have a feeling that boy is going to need a friend. I do not think the world is going to be quite what he expects once he gets back. If he decides to go with us, however, we will have to make other arrangements for the sword. I am not spending eternity with that blithering braggart."

I had no clue what Merlin meant by the world not being what I expected. Nothing has changed in Manchester for two hundred years. How could it change in three days? Besides, my sandwiches and my nap were calling.