Chapter 20 - How to Properly Dress Your Sword

I had forgotten that the space plane was six miles away, or I would have asked someone to transport me there. When I started out, I didn't think it would be a problem, but by the time I had walked for twenty minutes, carrying Cali, I knew walking was not such a good idea.

I relished the idea of having a legendary, magical, mystical sword of my very own, but why did it have to be so heavy? Couldn't aliens make invincible swords that weighed next to nothing? I was trudging along, beginning to drag my friend behind me, when he suddenly spoke up.

"I have to be heavy, My Lord, to cut through bone and muscle, not to mention chain mail. If you had a scabbard, like a proper gentleman, this would not be a problem."

I don't know what surprised me more, that Excalibur seemed to be reading my mind, or that he called me "My Lord." I really liked that and decided I would have to ask Lana to call me that next time I saw her. She owed me that much after leaving me to die. "I have called all who have owned me 'My Lord.' It is your just title, My Lord, for having freed me."

At least now I knew he could read my mind. I was going to have to be careful, as I was beginning to entertain thoughts of just hiding him somewhere and coming back for him after I was rested.

" do not care what is in your mind, My Lord. Just what is in your heart. I believe we can solve this whole problem by going to the closet where all the clothes are kept. I am sure there is a scabbard or two in there."

"That would be great, if I knew how to get there. Not to mention, if I knew what the hell a Scab Board is."

"No problem, My Lord. Just follow me." With that, my poor tired arm flew up in front of me, the sword pointing forward.

"Do not let go!" Excalibur bellowed as I was pulled forward, my shoulder almost wrenched out of its socket. I had no choice but to follow the sword while it hollered, "Tally-ho!!!" all the way. He did get us to the closet, though. I was exhausted and the sword was giggling insanely. He seemed to literally thrive on excitement. I began thinking that Manchester might be too boring for Cali and maybe he would be better off if I went with the aliens. Then we could tame a new planet together and save damsels in distress. Of course, at home maybe he could help me make the damsels undress, and that would be fun too.

We had stopped in front of the section of the closet marked "Dark Ages and Medieval Formal Wear." I saw a lot of really cool looking armor and was tempted to try some of it on, but when my trusty sword told me how much it weighed, I changed my mind. I was a little disappointed, but wanted to find this Scab thing and get some food.

"Over there, My Lord. In the corner. See it? That piece of leather that has all the pretty gold and jewels on it. Set me down and take it off the hanger. Put the strap over your head and shoulder so it hangs on your hip."

Damn! Was that thing ever beautiful. I like gold and jewels and other shiny things almost as much as I like fork lifts. Much as I hated putting Cali down, it was a relief to get the weight out of my hands. I reached in and grabbed the scabbard (I thought I understood the idea, now) and took it down. My friend should have warned me that it weighed as much, if not more, than he did. This was my thought as I fell face first into the closet, landing with my face on the large ruby imbedded in the center of the scabbard. Damn! That hurt! This time I had a good reason for saying that, as the ruby took a nice chunk out of my right cheek.

"My Lord! My Lord! Are you alright? Do not bleed on my scabbard please! It would ruin the whole effect."

I rolled onto my back, stared at the ceiling of the closet and wondered why I ever went out onto the porch to watch that tornado.

"Do I look alright, Cali? I thought this was supposed to make carrying you easier. Doubling your weight is not my idea of easier. Look, there's a nice plain brown leather scabbard over there. How about I get that one for you?"

"I could never be seen in something that ordinary, My Lord. Why, it is the scabbard of a simple fighting peasant. How could you even think of putting me into something that base and common?"

I sat up, groaning and trying to think of a way to make him understand without insulting him. "Because I have to carry you, Cali, and it is another four miles or so to the space plane. I've worked hard the last couple of days with very little rest, and even less food. I'm sleep deprived and slowly starving to death.

"Couldn't you make an exception? It's not like anyone important is going to see you. No one even carries a sword on Earth anymore. Please go in the leather one and I promise we'll use the pretty one when I feel better."

"Never! Really, My Lord, I can not understand why you are walking anyway. I thought maybe you were trying to impress that nice lady in the control room. I read your mind while you were talking to her and I know you want to shag her."

"Er, Cali. Try not to read my mind when I'm thinking of women, okay? It could be a little embarrassing for you. What do you mean? How else are we going to get there if we don't walk?"

"Well, My Lord, if you do not mind my saying so, there is a closet full of hand-held transport modules right over there," he said as he turned his point toward another closet.

"Is that so?" The thought of getting one of those for myself made the ache in my face ease up a bit. I got up and went to the closet he was pointing toward and grabbed one of the transporters. I flipped it open like they used to with the
communicators in Star Trek and stared at all the buttons and flashing lights. I had gotten over my fear, er . . . hesitation, about being transported, but I hadn't watched close enough to see what buttons I was supposed to push and in what order.
Visions of 'The Fly' still came to my mind.

"Don't worry, My Lord. I know how they work."

"You do? Great! Oh, and by the way, could you please quit calling me that?"

"Why, My Lord? You thought you liked it, earlier."

"I do like it, Cali. It's just that I keep thinking you're talking to some king or something. I keep looking around to see who else is in the room. Jordan will be just fine, if it's alright with you."

"Your wish is my command, Lord Jordan. I did swear to obey your every command. Now let me see . . . I watched them fly you into cargo bay one from my wonderful vantage point out on the moon . . ."

"Yeah, that's right. I remember seeing the big ONE painted on the wall," I said quickly. I didn't want him thinking about being left out on the dish. He seemed pretty touchy about it, and I didn't want him to decide to go back to the control room to have another go at Merlin.

"Okay. So, the coordinates you need to punch in are one, two, one, and then punch send."

I started punching the numbers when Cali screamed, "Jordan!!"

He stopped me just as I was about to hit the send key. "What?"

"I am down here on the floor. You are up there. If you punch send now, you will go and I will stay. You have to pick me up first. And do not forget my scabbard."

I strapped on the scabbard and then slid Excalibur into it. Together, they must have weighed a thousand pounds. I hit the send key as quickly as I could, just to get where I was going so I could take them off. We didn't make it to the cargo bay.
I don't know if Amy and Goliath were more surprised, or I was. I had popped into their room and they were right in the middle of taking care of uh . . . business. Goliath gave a growl and I just punched numbers and hit send as fast as I could. At that point, I didn't care where I ended up. I did care once I got there. Landing in a bathroom with both feet in the toilet is not a fun time. I should know. I did it. I was pretty exasperated by now and would have screamed in frustration if Cali hadn't spoken up right then.

"I am so sorry, My . . . er, Lord Jordan. The proper coordinates for cargo bay one are one, one, two. I was a little confused after all that time in deep space. Please forgive me."

"If this works, my friend, I will forgive you anything," I told him, I punched the numbers and hit send while holding my breath. I let it out in a giant sigh of relief as the space plane appeared before my eyes. Food!!

Even the weight of my friend and his holder couldn't keep me from jogging into the plane and up to the kitchen. I did, of course, set them both down as soon as I got there. I grabbed my jars of peanut butter and green olives and began building a feast fit for a king.

After making four sandwiches, I decided to stack them all on top of one another and test my skill with a sword. I figured having them stacked like that and cut into pieces was kind of fancy, like they serve in them high fallootin restaurants. Hey, I had a sword that belonged to a king once. I might as well eat like one.

I set the pile of sandwiches carefully on the table and took Cali out of his scabbard. Raising him high above my head with both hands, I gave what sounded to me like a war cry, and brought him down on the sandwiches, cutting them cleanly in half. Unfortunately, he also cut the table cleanly in half and put a very deep dent in the floor.

"Now, Master, why did you have to go and do that? I am supposed to be used for cutting men in half, not sandwiches. You could have at least had the decency to put some meat in the sandwiches."

"Damn! I'm sorry, Cali. I didn't know that would happen, but I had to give it a try. Oh, well. At least I know not to try that at home."

I set Cali back on the shelf and retrieved the pieces of my sandwiches from the floor. One of my best memories of my adventure was eating my favorite meal while my newest friend entertained me with stories of Camelot. The real stories, not the ones you hear in school and at the movies.

Having finished the meal, my exhaustion caught up with me, it was all I could do to drag Cali to the small, but inviting, bedroom with me. I set him on the shelf above the bunk and crawled under the sheets, hoping no one came to wake me for at least twenty-four hours. I laid there getting sleepier each passing moment as Excalibur hummed lullabies softly above me.