Chapter 21 - What Would Jesus Do

Laying there thinking about the past few days events, I turned over the junk heap in my brain, which I call my thinking pile. I was preparing it to consider the offer of moving to a distant planet while I slept. I try and let my mind make all the important decisions about my life while I sleep, and dream of those things kept in the sleeping pile of my mind. They were much more relaxing thoughts.

Slowly I drifted off into dreamland, exactly what Lana had asked. You would think that would have satisfied her, but only if you have never met a woman. If you have ever met a woman, then you know that all they do is change their minds. If men do it we get called liars. Once again the evil woman interrupted my dreams right at the best part.

I had been sleeping quite peacefully, dreaming about my lovely Lana and Ms. Amy Geddon. What a pair they make together. The things they were doing to me in my dream took my mind off all the aches and pains I had collected so diligently on this adventure. Lana and Amy were about to mud wrestle naked and the winner got me all to herself for half an hour, while the loser just had to watch. They were just about to step into the mud ring when Lana's lovely voice shattered my vision and I woke up moaning.

"Damn you woman!" I cried sleepily. "You have the lousiest timing in the solar system. Let me go back to sleep for just a few more minutes. The match should be over by then."

"I don't know what the hell you are talking about Jordan, and I really don't want to. What I do know is that you can't go back to sleep just yet. It is time."

"Time for what? More busy work, I'm sure. It can't be anything important, because according to you, there is nothing I can do that an alien can't do better. Remember? So go find yourself one of them to do your dirty work and leave me alone." I really was tired of her breaking into my much-needed sleep.

"Now, Jordan. Let's not be that way. Here. I brought this for you," she said, handing me an itchy smelly grey robe.

"Put this on and come with me. There is something very important you have to do. The entire mission depends on it and I do not have time for your silly games."

"So, what's your point Lana? I told you to find an alien to do whatever it is you want done. I'm sleeping. The computers are up, so you can't want me to fly anything and there is nothing else I can imagine that you would want done that is worth losing sleep over," I finished, hoping it might be enough to make her go away.

Then I rolled away from her and closed my eyes, hoping I could recapture my dream. I could tell she was going to make me do whatever it was she wanted, but it is nice to play hard to get, even if you know you can't win. Besides, she needed me again, and hopefully this time I could use that to my advantage.

"Jordan, get your ass out of that bed right this minute!" she bellowed in my ear as she hit me on the back before grabbing my arm and dragging me off the bed onto the floor.

"This is serious," she claimed, staring down at me where I sat dazed and confused. Her hands were perched on her hips and she was wagging her finger at me, while I sat there wishing she was wearing a dress. Then I could at least look up her skirt while she tormented me. Too bad having me at her feet didn't make her any nicer when she started giving orders.

"Start changing now, Jordan. I promise not to look while I tell you what is going on. We have woken Christ up for the Rapture and he refuses to do it."

"So what Lana? Get one of the other aliens to do it or use a hologram. What's the big deal?" I asked as I was dragging down my Levis. "What does it have to do with me and why am I changing into this nasty robe?"

Just about that time, Merlin came to the doorway. Standing next to him and peeking around the corner into the room was this guy who looked exactly like the picture of Jesus that used to hang in Mama's dining room except his skin was darker than I remembered. He had the long hair, the beard and everything. He was quivering and drooling, (which wasn't in the picture I remembered) and repeating the same words over and over.

"No you can't make me go back there. Please don't make me go back there. They'll kill me; I know them. They don't want peace and brotherhood. They want blood, my blood."

He had dropped to his knees and was clinging to Merlin's pant leg, begging and pleading in that small broken voice. Then his eyes glazed over and he crawled out of the doorway. He didn't make it very far before he ran into the hallway wall and stopped. Curling up into a tight little ball, he continued mumbling to no one in particular. "No, not the thorns! You want me to drag this cross how far? Where's Mary? Really, you've made a mistake. Tell Pilate I'll proclaim him God of whatever he wants. Tell the Rabbis I will leave Jerusalem and live the rest of my life in pagan lands, just let me go home to my mommy. G.O.D., please G.O.D., if you are listening, please take me now."

Merlin looked at me with his giant, sad, bug eyes. Shrugging his shoulder and giving me that, "What else can we do?" look, he walked over to Christ, and patted his head, cooing softly to calm the alien down.

I dragged the silly robe over my head as quickly as possible. Changing with Lana in the room was one thing, but with two guys staring at me through the door? Yuck! Well, okay, Christ wasn't staring at anything but the floor, but even one guy watching me dress is too many.

"Who do you think you are kidding, Lana? This guy doesn't even remotely act like the calm, serene Messiah I studied in Sunday School. Let me guess. This is all an act to get me to do what you want. Or are you so bored now that you have fixed the computer that you can't find anything better to do in this ship than play with my head for fun?"

"Jordan, you are so dense. We told you that these people recreated their religion for our world. Did you think our Christ was the original one? You really can't blame him for the sad state he is in. The poor guy went through hell down there and still turned in a perfect performance. How would you like to live through your own crucifixion and then be buried alive?"

"Well, it don't sound like much fun, I admit. But what's this about being buried alive? I thought that Christ died faster than most people hanging on that cross. If he died, how was he buried alive and how did he get here now?"

"Hey, Merlin!" I yelled towards the door where he was still calming Christ. "Have you guys learned how to bring the dead back to life? We could make a lot of money back on Earth with that trick."

"No, Jordan," Merlin answered with a sigh. "He was not actually dead. Do you remember in the Bible where the guy gives Jesus a sponge full of vinegar?"

"Yeah. He was a good Samaritan, right?"

"You could say that. Except it wasn't just vinegar on that sponge. We gave him what you might call a zombie drug. He looked dead to the outside world but could still see and understand everything going on around him. He was a little unstable when we brought him out of the tomb for the resurrection so we pumped him full of happy drugs and used the gravity modulator to make him float. He could not walk a straight line for his life at the time. We prompted him so he would get the speech right and beamed him back as soon as we could."

"After we brought him back to the ship we put him in stasis immediately, hoping that if we let him sleep off the trauma for a few thousand years he would be his old self. It didn't work and his mind is too far gone for us to help him now."

Lana shuddered as Merlin finished his story, then turned to me and went on with her explanation. "I don't think I would want to go back either if I had lived through what he did. But, that is the problem. The world is expecting him to return, and we sure can't put him on in this condition," she said with a sad look, drawing my eyes back to the poor broken man.

I could understand their problem and I could tell she was trying to get something from me, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it was.

"I can see why he can't go back, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Well," she started slowly, gesturing around me with her hands, "you are the right build. With a wig and fake beard, we may be able to pull it off, as long as we don't use any close-ups."

Suddenly it dawned on me what she wanted me to do, and my survival instincts took over. "Like hell! That was not in my contract. Uh-uh, ain't gonna do it, no way, no how, you can't make me. Did you honestly think bringing him down here would help?" I asked, pointing toward the door.

"Why would I want to go out and face a bunch of religious fruitcakes if the real fake Christ won't even do it? Do I look stupid?"

I was in mid-complaint when the lights winked out and that cold feeling came over me. Lana hadn't even waited for me to finish before transporting us to the room where the tv studio of Heaven was set up. We rematerialized in a huge room filled to the brim with lights, cameras, computers and people running everywhere, getting things set up. Lana led me to a throne made of gold with elaborate carvings covering every inch, which was situated dead center in the middle of the room.

That's what I was thinking I would be after humanity got their hands on me. You know, dead. We humans are not known for being very nice to our messiahs and prophets. I reminded my tormentors that there were worse ways of dying than crucifixion, like burning at the stake, or being ripped limb from limb by the good
people who just wanted a little part you. Any part would do, you know: a finger, an eye, a nose, my left nut. I wondered what the going price would be for Jesus' nuts. But I didn't wonder for too long. It was too painful to contemplate.

Lana and Merlin both promised me that no one would actually be able to touch me and that I would be safe, no matter what. Amy came over to me and wrapped her arms around me, whispering in my ear that she would watch over me just in case. Then she swore to strike anyone who tried to hurt me with giant lighting bolts, turning them into dust where they stood. If I had actually listened to her rather than just losing myself in the feeling of her boobs rubbing my chest, I might not have been tricked so easily.

Merlin told me that they were going to film me and send it out through the holy-graphic imaging system to the entire world all at the same time. I thought that was quite a feather in my cap. I would be the first person from Earth to be viewed everywhere at the same time. Momma would have been proud that I was going to be a famous t.v. star, even if I couldn't use my real name.

Most important to me, I was going to stay right here on this moon until it was all over and no one could get near me to rip me to shreds. Otherwise, I would not have agreed to help them, no matter what they threatened me with. We had a few hours before my part of the show started and during that time I got to watch t.v. It had been two days since I saw a t.v., and boy was this a good show.

The news people in the world were going nuts as Charon zoomed closer and closer to Earth at unheard-of speeds. There was talk of it hitting the planet and killing everyone. They even showed some great footage of the Jesus freaks who were standing on street corners declaring, "The end is at hand!"

I thought this was kind of funny, since I had heard preachers go on about the end of the world my whole life and for once they were right. But they were still wrong. There was no way anyone on the planet could imagine what was actually going to happen. We got pictures on CNN from all around the world. People were panicking in the streets. You should have seen the freeways where people were trying to leave L.A. I had never seen so much excitement in my life.

I settled back in my throne while Lana and Amy were putting on my make-up. There I was, watching t.v. and having two beautiful women play with me and waiting to play God of the world. What more could a man ask for? Well, maybe a real beer. Finally the moon was brought to a stop just outside Earth's orbit.