Chapter 22 - Is It Live Or Is It Memorex?

Merlin's team flipped a few switches and the world went dark. This scared me, because one minute the planet was there in front of me on one of the television screens, and then there was just a black hole in space. The first thought that went through my mind was that they had all been lying to me and that they were really an invading alien species who had come to destroy Earth. I was yelling something to that effect when Lana slapped me, really hard this time, and brought me back to my senses.

"Look, Jordan," Lana said, taking my head and moving it so that I was facing the screen.

"The t.v. is working again. It was just the energy shield they covered the Earth with. Remember, we talked about this earlier? The shield allows Merlin and the G.O.D. computer to control the weather and other 'natural' forces. The shield contains the energy net that allows the aliens to transmit your show world wide and controls the holy-graphics systems. It's also what keeps those pesky nuclear missiles we talked about from being able to get to us. Now just sit there and watch CNN like a good boy while we finish gluing on your beard."

I calmed down and went back to enjoying the two beauties fawning all over me. I knew they were enjoying this as much as I was, but they would never admit to it. I like stubborn women. My attention quickly returned to the spectacular show flitting across the t.v. screen.

That guy on CNN, you know, that really cool and calm black guy? He was practically foaming at the mouth trying to read reports coming in from around the world. The scientists were screaming about the mysterious force that was wrapped around the globe, trying to guess how many days it would be before the entire human population would be frozen and/or insane from the lack of sunlight. Weathermen couldn't keep up with the reports of the hundreds tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions that were happening on Earth.

The newsmen kept saying how miraculous it was that all these horrific natural events weren't happening in heavily populated areas and that very few people had been killed. Except for L.A. It had finally fallen into the ocean without a trace, but who was going to miss it?

As usual, there was mass looting and rioting everywhere. It's so nice to know that there are certain things you can always count on in a crisis. It made me homesick.
The next big report was that all the cars, trains and planes in the world had stopped working at the exact same moment. Every plane that was in the sky turned toward the nearest runway and landed. The pilots had no clue as to what was going on and the ones who had read any Stephen King were screaming things about Christine and Langoliers. (Whatever that meant. I never bothered to read the books, just waited till the movies came out.) Anyway, the world finally learned what really happens when you have G.O.D. as your co-pilot.

It was almost time for the Rapture to begin, and I was getting nervous. I had never performed in front of people before, unless you count playing arm pit songs for the gang down at the bar on Friday nights. Lana and Amy had finished with my costume and makeup. I was able to catch my reflection in the t.v. screen. It was a shock seeing myself and knowing that it was me sitting there instead of Christ.
Lana and Amy and the rest of the cast had run off to dress for their parts leaving me alone to wonder at what I was about to do. I was hoping their outfits were skimpy. I wish they hadn't felt it necessary to put the exact same robe on me that the Jesus alien had on last time he was down there. Didn't they remember that ancient Israel didn't have washing machines or indoor plumbing? This robe smelled almost as bad as those clothes I jettisoned, and I could have sworn there were little things crawling in it.

I tried to convince Lana that all I had to do was go on t.v. and say, "It's me. I'm here. Time to be Raptured. Let's go." I was positive people would get the point and then I could get out of this robe. She insisted, whining that the people of Earth needed their little show or they wouldn't believe.

So, there I was, bored and lonely, wrapped in a stupid, smelly, itchy robe, pretending to be Jesus, Savior of the World, sitting on a throne with a backdrop of clouds to make it look like I was floating in the heavens. I was pretty sure God, not G.O.D., wouldn't like this.

There was also a huge globe, off to the side where it wouldn't get in the picture. It was covered with flashing red, blue, and yellow lights. When I asked what it was for, Merlin told me the lights represented the electronic tags that had been placed on everyone who was going to take part in today's episode of 'The Good, The Bad, and The G.O.D.ly.'

When I asked how he knew the difference he said G.O.D. knows. I never did like that answer. I wanted to know how a computer located on an island electronically tags people. When I asked, Merlin gave me this mysterious smile and whispered "dentists" before walking out of the room, leaving me to ponder his response.

The heavens above the Earth split open at exactly five p.m. Eastern Standard Time, about an hour after the aliens deployed their energy field. All the Earthlings who weren't trapped on the freeways were safe at home, watching t.v. They had gathered their families to them, waiting for the end to come.

Out of the heavens poured angels playing golden trumpets and great carved harps while they hung in the clouds, paving the way for the return of the King, or me, in this case. The news programs showed people running out of their houses and staring up at the skies. Most of them screamed and ran back inside. Only a few brave souls who thought they had nothing to fear stayed outside to watch the show. It was time. It's a good thing the robe covered my boots or else they would have seen me shaking in them.

Lana and Merlin knelt down in front of the cameras, waiting to transmit my image across the world. No one would be able to see them but me. They were there to help me along if I got stuck and couldn't remember my lines. Lana was holding up hastily made cue cards for me to read, as she had said there was no way I would ever remember the whole thing. Don't know why that woman still didn't have any faith in me. I had proven myself to her over and over again.

I was patiently waiting for someone to say, "Lights, camera, action," but all I heard was Lana whisper harshly, "Come on, stupid! You=re on!"

"Ahem!" I started. Lana rolled her eyes at this, but I continued. "My children. The time has come. All that I promised and all that I warned is about to occur. Those of you in a state of grace will come to me now and join Our Father in everlasting life."

From in front of me, I could hear Lana whispering something at me, but couldn't quite make it out. I continued with my speech, but got very distracted when I noticed that the big t.v. screen I had been watching now had a life-size picture of yours truly on it. Man, did I look impressive!

I was floating on my throne in the clouds and all I could think of was that old song. You know the one . . . "If they could see me now . . . That old gang of mine . . ." There were angel babes flying above me with trumpets to their mouths and cute little naked cherubs lounging at my feet. I couldn't hear the music, which is a good thing. I'm not real into jazz.

"You will walk the golden paths....huh? What?"

"Stop scratching yourself!" Lana whispered as harshly as any yelling she had ever done before.

Oh! Sorry." If she had any idea how itchy that robe was, she would have understood my need to scratch my balls.

"Sorry, y'all . . . uh, children. St. Michael needed to remind me of something. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. You will walk the golden paths of Eternal Parasite, I mean Paradise, and live in peace and happiness forever. The nonbelievers and sinners among you who have refused to repent shall be justly judged and cast into the pits of hell.

Those of you who will remain have been given a second chance in a peaceful world where evil has been vanquished. You may wonder why there will be those left behind who you may consider wolves among my flock. Remember only God knows the true hearts of men. It is not yours to question, my children, but continue to praise God in all his infinite wisdom. Once his will is done, you will be left your promised thousand years of peace to contemplate the goodness and grace of Our Father."

This was when a picture of the Pearly Gates and my old buddy St. Pete appeared behind me. St. Pete stood next to the open gates holding the longest sheet of paper you can imagine, pencil ready to check names off. Guess they didn't want the world to know that St. Peter uses a palmtop.

At this point, I was supposed to stand up and spread my arms. Instead, I fell on my face. They shouldn't have made the robe so damn long. I stood back up quickly, spread my arms, and put on the nicest smile I could. I was pretty sure Lana was going to yell at me about tripping and thought if I could look sweet and Christ-like, it might make her go a little easier on me.

"I will now send out my angels to gather together my chosen from all over the world - from the farthest bounds of Earth and Heaven. Come, blessed of my Father, into the Kingdom prepared for you from the founding of the world." I was thinking whoever wrote this stuff was really good. Then the blue lights on the globe started blinking off rapidly, one at a time. The room next to me, where St. Pete had set up a desk and his laptop, began to fill with people popping in for their turn at the Pearly Gates. There were all kinds of people. All ages, races, sizes. I even saw some faces I recognized from t.v. and magazines. Gosh, was I surprised to see Hugh Hefner, dressed in his usual bath robe, standing behind Pope John.

Merlin told me earlier that G.O.D. had been checking everyone out for a long time and had chosen this bunch out of all the people now living on Earth. I can't say that I understood some of his reason, but then, G.O.D. works in mysterious ways. And ole Hef looked like he'd be more fun to spend eternity with than Jerry Falwell. I was still wondering where the dentist fit in.

Hef and the Pope both looked pretty haggard and I was sure they would appreciate the rejuvenating effects Lana had told me the sleep pods had. I could imagine their faces when they woke up at the end of their journey and they were both twenty-five years old and ready to kick butt again. Of course, I'm sure Hef was gonna do something different with his new-found youth than the Pope was, but one never knows. The Pope was said to be quite randy before becoming a priest.

I was staring over my shoulder, trying to watch all the newcomers, when Lana crept up behind me and whispered in my ear. She was so damn cute, all dressed up like an angel. I sure would have loved to stroke those wings.

"You=re supposed to sit still and look stoic, you fool. Not look like a country bumpkin during his first trip to the big city."

"What difference does it make? Now that they're here, why keep up the show?"

"The world is watching. You are still being broadcast around the globe."

"What for? My job is done. Now I just go off to Heaven with the babes . . . er, sheep, don't I?"

"They're lambs, not sheep, stupid. Well, there is one last act to this play. After that, you can do anything with sheep you want to."

"What now? I'm tired of this. The robe has lice and my makeup is melting off from the heat of the lights. I just want to go take a hot bath and get something real to eat. Please???"

"Not until all the prophecies are fulfilled, Jordan. Don't you remember your Revelations from Sunday School? We still have to cast the demon back into the pits of Hell with his followers."

"Well, have a good time doing it. I ain't fighting no demon. Enough is enough."

"Sshh! Talk softer and smile when you whine at me," she said through clenched teeth.

I plastered a smile on my lips, but could do nothing about the look of disbelief in my eyes. "Why must we always go through this, Jordan? I tell you to do something. You say no, then do it anyway. Why don't you save us both some time and say yes to begin with."

"Up until now, it didn't mean any bodily harm to me," I answered her through my smile.

"You can't trick me this time, Lana. I've seen The Exorcist and Devil's Advocate. I know how mean demons can be. I've already puked once today and I'm not crazy about the idea of turning my head backwards."

"It won't be a real demon, you idiot, any more than you are the real Jesus. It will be Goliath disguised to look like a demon by the holy-graphic system. The only reason we are using him in the holograph is so you have someone to hold on to during the wrestling scenes. You are not remotely coordinated or graceful enough to pull it off without help."

"Goliath??? Are you crazy, woman? Did you see the size of that man? I'm no good with a slingshot. He'll kill me"

"Yes, Mr. Wimpy, I have seen his size and it is impressive. The largest of all the alien men." She said this with a funny little sneer and I suddenly began to wonder about my sweet Lana. She couldn't possibly think about men in that way, could she? Women don't do that. It's a guy thing, isn't it? Then a new thought occurred to me.

"Why didn't you just use a holy-graphic image on me to make me look like Jesus? Then I wouldn't have had to wear this damn robe. Better yet, just use a holy-gram for Jesus and then I could have had that nice long nap I was enjoying so much."

"We had our reasons. You will find out soon enough. Just do this last thing, Jordan, and you can get back to your pathetic back-water life." I didn't like her insulting my life, but the "You'll find out soon enough" worried me more. I was sure I wasn't going to like it, whatever it was. She was right about me wasting time telling her no, of course. There was no hope of escape, so I agreed to fight their little battle.

Lana walked back down from the throne and once again took up her station as cue card girl. I couldn't get over how good she looked in wings. This was going to add new dimensions to our fantasy life. I sat and looked stoic for the cameras and watched St. Peter do his thing on t.v. When he was done processing all 144,000 people that were going to make up the new colony, Lana gave me the thumbs up signal and I started speaking prophetic nonsense once again.

"I have now taken the Chosen to be the right hand of my Father. Have no fear, they go on to a glorious new life with no Earthly concerns." I couldn't help thinking, "Yeah, right. No Earthly concerns. That's because they are going to be far more concerned with the new undeveloped planet that these benevolent aliens are going to drop them on."

I knew at that moment I wasn't going with them. The thinking pile in my brain lit up all of a sudden and started flashing red warning signs in circles around my brain complete with industrial bells and whistles. It's a hard thing to ignore. So I peered a little closer into the pile. I knew nothing about these people except that they ate crappy food and were willing to lie to the population on an entire planet. And here I was helping them pull off the most spectacular lie in history. It was just too weird.

I could never trust someone who was willing to tell lies to an entire race just to make them move in with them. I believe in a more honest sort of living arrangement preferably one with blondes. Thoughts of home tucked safely in my heart, I continued on with this little charade.