Chapter 23 - Jesus Kicks Some Evil Butt!

"Now, my children, judgement is at hand, though I wish it could be otherwise. I had so hoped that you would all follow the call of God, but this has not come to pass.
Because there are those among you who live for evil, I must once again unleash the Angel of Darkness from the Chamber of Eternal fires where he has been chained lo these many years.

"Ye sinners prepare to cower in fear before your master. Satan's minions shall now go forth unto you and cleave his mark unto your forehead, your shame to be witnessed by all. You shall be the army of the damned."

"Once Lucifer has chosen those amongst you with evil deep in your hearts, the great battle for the world shall begin. I shall fight the Evil One to the death and cast him into the Netherworld where he can never again do harm. I will vanquish all evil from among you. I will cast his followers with him into the fiery pits of Hell."

I was really getting into this until I happened to glance at the t.v. monitor and noticed that the pits of Hell were opening up directly beneath my feet and this large fiery demon was crawling out of the ooze, staring at me with a really evil grin. I jumped straight up in the air to avoid him when I realized he wasn't even in the room with me yet. I gathered my wits, which were now completely scattered, pulled my robe around me, mustered my pride, and tried to look as fierce as possible. I stared in the general direction of where Goliath would be standing if he were actually here, while trying to continue reading my lines. Not an easy thing to do. I made a note to keep one eye on the t.v. so that he couldn't surprise me again.

"Look on, ye evil ones, as your master is born again from primordial slime to claim you. Repent now, and you won't have to follow him as I rend him end from end and cast him into the Caverns of Eternal Night. For thou shall have no place to hide when his minions come to mark you. I shall see his mark when I am done, and you shall follow him into the eternal fires of Hell."

Now there were little devils flying all around the big guy as he stood flexing his muscles and sneering at me across the heavens. Too bad L.A. is gone; Goliath could have made a fortune doing movies.

"I leave you now to Satan. When I return, his end will be at hand."

With that final statement, the camera lights went off around me and Lana was kind enough to yell, "Cut!" so I would know what was going on, though everyone else looked at her a little strange. See, I told you she cared about me. I was majorly grateful that they had decided to give me a break before the big fight. I needed to piss something awful and my throat was bone dry and tasted like I had been sucking on a bandage all night. I try never to talk so much without a keg handy.

I took care of the personal things first and then asked Lana for a glass of water. To my amazement, she went and fetched it for me while I relaxed and watched Goliath perform his part in the show. I was thinking to myself, She is damned-near trained already. A few more days and I'll have her waiting on me hand and foot. CNN was talking about all the people who had been visited by demons who touched them and burned the mark of the beast into their forehead, which I have to admit was hard to miss. That giant red 666 covered three quarters of their foreheads. The camera crews kept trying to catch video of the demons in the act of imprinting, but they weren't having much luck until the minions of Satan made it to Washington, D.C.

One of the reporters was doing an interview with with one of those famous Christian senators from down South on what he thought was happening and if this was for real. A demon popped into the picture and touched him on the forehead, leaving the indelible mark of 666 imprinted on him. He ran off camera, screaming. The reporter breathed a sigh of relief, and laughed when he saw how many demons were showing up.
I learned later that the devil nailed most of Congress and pretty much all the lawyers and shrinks in the world. Not that I was surprised. The reporter ended his report with, "We always thought big government was evil, and now we know we were right."

All the red lights on the globe were now blinking off one at a time as the demons did their work. CNN cut to a meeting of the leaders of churches from around the world. They had gathered to discuss what was going on and how they could use it to their advantage. You never saw so many preachers fall to their knees as when those demons popped in over the conference table. It didn't help too many of them.

The ones that were known to preach hate against other religions or different types of people were the ones marked first. When it was all over, the marked ones sat there babbling, with looks of disbelief growing wider on their pasty faces. The ones that had been passed over left quickly, in case the demons changed their minds and came back. All in all, it was very satisfying to see the devil do his work.

I knew it was all a lie and the work of the aliens, but it was kinda nice seeing all those dick heads get what they deserved. It didn't matter who was giving it to them. Knowing they were all going to be turned into fertilizer gave a whole new meaning to the expression, "Shit happens."

It was about this time that Goliath walked in, wearing full demon regalia. Boy, was he scary looking! I wanted his cape for next Halloween. He shook my hand and did a little "May the best man win," talk as he pumped my hand, squeezing it so hard I could feel the bones grinding. I cast a worried look at Lana, thinking, "What does he mean, 'May the best man win?' I get to win! They promised! G.O.D., I hope I get to win, cause if he's for real, I'm toast."

Then Goliath patted me on the head saying, "Just kidding, Small Fry. I'll play nice and let you win, but I have to get in a few licks, just to make it look good.
So kid, let me tell you how this works. After the rest of those people are marked, (and you'll know when that is by the last red light blinking off on the globe), we are going to walk back in front of the cameras so the world can get a good look at us the instant we come back live. I am going to grab you in just a second, and we will hold position until show time.

"You ready kid? It's almost here," he said as he took hold of my shoulders and tilted me off to the side. I was only still standing because he was holding me there. This time, right before the cameras started rolling, Lana was nice enough to count down for me. As I heard those fateful words, "Five, four, three, two, . . . " I tried to put on my fiercest face. It's the one I use just before I get into a bar fight. I am not sure I succeeded through the pain of Goliath's iron grip on my body.

Just as Lana got to one, Goliath went "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you they are going to be playing with the gravity well. So hang on and try not to bump into any walls and when you say 'Lightening,' bolts will shoot from your fingertips. Try and point it at me, okay? We want this to be believable."

I barely got out, "Huh, Gravity?" and "Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" as I went flying through the air towards the throne. It is very undignified to be thrown wearing a dress and alligator boots. I landed gently as the gravity came back up in the room and quickly decided that this might be a good time for lightening bolts, so I pointed my finger at Goliath and shouted, "Take this, you misbegotten son of a universe. I'll see you fry forever in your own eternal wretchedness."

Goliath was right. Lightening shot right out of my finger tips and flew through the air to the flaming Goliath, who seemed to suck it right up as he came running to tackle me again. I tried to move, I really did, but I wasn't near fast enough and all I could do was yell, "Heeeeelp!" as I once again went flying across the room.

This went on for half an hour or so, Goliath throwing my poor abused body across the room and me trying to fry him with lightening bolts. Merlin seemed intent on giving people a good show. I was relieved that none of it really hurt. Well, some of it kinda hurt, but I stood tough and took all the devil could dish out. I didn't get to watch the battle until I saw the replay a couple of weeks later on CNN, when they were complaining about how peaceful the world had become. I must admit I did make a rather dashing Jesus. Nobody ever questioned why Jesus was wearing alligator boots.
After the first half hour of fighting, the angel Lana appeared floating in the clouds. She was asking all the good people left on Earth to pray for Christ in his hour of need and help him vanquish his eternal enemy. People dropped to their knees around the world praying for me to win. I could hear them in my head singing "Go Jesus, Go Jesus." I never had the whole world rooting for me before, I was feeling pretty special.

That must have been what Merlin was waiting for, because all of a sudden Goliath started losing his grip more often and not throwing me near as far as before.
In the end, he was a pitiful little ball of fire, as I closed in on him with constant lightening from my fingertips. When I got close enough, he whispered to me to grab him and cast him into the pit of Hell. I had to catch a quick glimpse of the screen to find out where the pits of hell were located at this moment. Then I took hold of Goliath, just as I felt the gravity let go, and I picked him up and threw him as hard as I could onto where I thought the pit was on the floor.

I could see him laying there right in front of me on the floor, but the t.v. screen showed him sliding into the depths. I was led back to my throne by the many angels who had flocked about me to tell me what to do next. Lana was waiting with the cue cards in front of me by the time I caught my breath. Turning to my followers, I spoke unto the masses. I was starting to get used to this flowery sort of talk.

"Satan has been vanquished, and now it is time for all those marked with evil to follow him to his end. Prepare yourselves, unbelievers and sinners. No matter where you're hiding, the eyes of the Father can see you. There is no escape. Away with you Cursed Ones, into the eternal fires prepared for the devil and his demons."
With that, all the red lights on the globe started blinking off and on real fast. The big t.v. showed people falling into the pit where I had just thrown Goliath . . . er, Satan. It was scary looking, even for me, and I knew it was fake. I can imagine what the people on Earth who were watching thought.

It was pretty amusing to see all those famous politicians and government leaders falling into Hell, screaming, "No, no! I didn't know it was a sin. Give me another chance, pleeeeeease!" The scene reminded me of a Drano commercial or maybe the scrubbing bubbles one.

I knew this was only a holy-gram for the benefit of all the people left on Earth, but I couldn't help cringing at the thought of people spending eternity in boiling oil and fire. Then I remembered what Merlin said was really going to happen to them, and I felt a little better. Okay, so being turned into fertilizer wasn't much better, but it sounded less painful in the long run. I was pretty sure the aliens would do it in the most painless way possible. They seemed to be a pretty decent and compassionate species, except for their obsessive need to control the universe.
Watching all the sinners being whisked away to the replicaters made me start thinking about how bad the soil on my place was. All the topsoil in Oklahoma had been blowing to Texas and Kansas for years. I really hoped the aliens would drop some of the fertilizer on my fields, as long as they didn't dump a load on the house. My roof was in pretty bad shape and probably wouldn't hold up to a ton of "Evil People Field Rejuvenater" dumped on it.

I was getting wrapped up in watching the show again, so Lana started stabbing the cue card with her pretty little finger to get my attention. I had a bit more fancy talking to do.

"Now all has come to pass, my children. It is as it has been foretold. For the next thousand years, there shall be Paradise on Earth. Love one another and cherish your brothers, spreading kindness and benevolence amongst you. My father has decided that you, his followers, need to be able to communicate directly with him to avoid all the trouble caused during the last 2000 years by churches and man. To this end we have instituted the Holy Ghost Network. Please send your prayers, requests and concerns to G.O.D.com. Within the Holy Ghost network you will also find answers to all those questions you have always wondered about. No more arguing theology and wondering what G.O.D. wants. Now he will tell you."

"My time here is at an end but I shall leave you one last gift. I will now walk among you to dispense blessings across the world and grant special grace upon those I touch." Since I'm not a real good reader, I was concentrating on getting the words right, and this last part didn't really sink in as I was saying it. What happened next made it all too clear.