Chapter 24 - "Pop" Goes The Jesus

It was when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of Times Square in New York City that I realized what I had just said. I only knew it was Times Square because of all the times I watched that stupid ball fall down on New Year's Eve. I always wanted to do New York some day, if only just to see that Dick Clark up close.
Now that I had learned about the aliens and all, I was pretty sure he must be one of them. It's not natural for a human to look like that at his age. Have you noticed how his eyes keep getting bigger the older he gets? And no wrinkles - definitely an alien or maybe Botox.

Back to my problem. I thought at first that this was just another holy-graph, and that my fun-loving Lana was playing games. She gets bored so easily. That was until this group of people down the street all started screaming, "Jesus, Jesus!!" and running right at me. I did the only thing I could think of. I turned around and ran like hell. Right into the mob coming at me from the other direction.
I did end up fulfilling one of the prophecies, though. I touched a few of them with my right hand while they were trying to pick me up off the street where they had knocked me down. Just as I was squeezed between the two groups and thought someone was sure to rip off my robe, I opened my eyes and I was in the desert.
The sand was really hot and I instantly started sweating like a pig. It got worse when the only person in sight, a little boy tending a bunch of goats started yelling, "Allah! Allah!" and people started pouring out of the tents scattered around on the hot sand. I only had time to think, "Here we go again," before they reached me and started pawing me all over.

Normally I would have liked the women doing this, but have you ever smelled goat herders? They made my robe smell sweet as wild flowers after a brisk Oklahoma thunderstorm. I had time to wonder how they knew what was going on in the world when I spotted the satellite dish standing behind the largest tent, just before I blinked out again. I guess being the head goat herder had its advantages, but I couldn't see how that could make up for the smell or the heat.

This time I landed in London. I knew this because I could see that big old clock they show in all the movies when they want you to know that's where it's taking place, Big Sam or something like that. Then I heard what I really didn't want to hear. A voice came from behind me in the fog.

"Blimey . . . isn't that Jesus Christ? Jolly good show, old man. Spot-on! Care for a cup of tea and some scones while you=re here?"

I probably don't have to tell you what happened next.

Well, after two or three more of these little pop-arounds, I decided I might as well get into the part and enjoy myself. So, by the time I showed up at Kelly's Bar and Grill, I was in full Jesus mode. Since I knew the guys would be there, (they're always there . . . even the end of the world wouldn't tear them off those bar stools), as soon as I realized that's where I was, I puffed out my chest, raised my arms, and got ready to pour on the Jesus dialogue. Unfortunately, no one was looking my way.

All of the guys were on their usual stools, facing the t.v. behind the bar. Even Cathy and Eileen, the waitresses, were leaning on the bar watching all the excitement being broadcast.

Cathy was one of the best things about going to Kelly's. At least she was once she started slamming a few beers back with us guys. After eight or nine Coors, Cathy didn't give a damn who she entertained. And man, could she entertain! After stripping on top of the pool table, she would make the rounds of everyone's laps, calling them "Daddy" and asking to be spanked for being so bad.

Eileen was a little more particular. She wouldn't sit on everyone's lap, and rarely took her clothes off in front of more than one person at a time. She usually just asked one of the younger guys to help her get a keg out of the back room. Didn't she know we all noticed she always came back without the keg, but with a smile?

I stood and watched them all for a minute, as I really enjoyed the view of the girls' butts as they leaned on the bar and watched t.v. Then decided I better start doing my Jesus thing before I got popped out.

"Children," I started in my most humble and loving Christ voice. "It is now your turn to receive the blessings of God."

This got absolutely no reaction, and everyone lifted their beers in unison and took a drink. I decided I better be a little more forceful.

"Ahem! Lambs!" Still no reaction.
I was getting pissed when Kelly yelled, "Hey! Jesus is in stereo! I can hear him on t.v. and right behind me at the same time."

I thought for sure this would make them turn around, but I should have known better. These guys had sat in the same position on those stools for so long that there were permanent butt marks in the wooden seats. Just as I was about to scream at them, Eileen seemed to focus a little and noticed something pretty obvious.

"Hey! That place looks just like the inside of Kelly's," she cried as she pointed at the t.v. I think that was when everyone noticed that the Eileen on the screen was pointing, too.

"Shit!" said Kelly. "I don't want to turn around. One of you guys look."
Everyone seemed to talk at once, yelling things like, "I'm not looking. Do you think I want Jesus to see me drunk? What if he's here to send us to Hell?"

"Hey I know," someone whispered, "Let's get Mikey. He'll look at anything. Remember in the fifth grade when he peeked through the window to see Fatty Waller mother naked and she must have weighed 400 pounds?"

"No, he can't do it he's in prison for peeping, remember?" Kelly whispered back while trying to look at me without moving his head.

As everyone slowly shut up, Billy Clyde muttered, "Maybe if we don't look at him, he'll go away." That was when I knew I had to start with him.

In the most commanding voice I could summon, I shouted, "Billy Clyde Johnson, come here," as I raised my hand, pointing my finger directly at him.

I guess he was sober enough to remember what happened when I pointed that finger at Satan. Man, you should have seen him pissing his pants. He was my friend, but I couldn't resist. The other guys didn't even snicker. Guess they were afraid to draw Christ's attention toward themselves. Billy Clyde got a glazed looked in his eyes and started walking toward me with his knees knocking.

"Uh . . . Jesus . . . er . . . Mr. Christ . . . what do you want with me?"

"You are one of the chosen ones, my son. Come here and let me lay my hands on you. You will become blessed with the special grace of the Father." You have no idea how hard it was to keep a straight face while I watched him sniveling, trying very hard to make it look like he was walking toward me without taking a single step.

"Um . . . uh . . . what does that mean?" he muttered, as he pulled on the front of his pants to get the wet cloth off his skin.

"It means, my child, that you will spend eternity moving among my flock and teaching them the laws of my father. You will be an example to all those you meet. You will never again be able to break any of the Laws. For this service to the Lord, you shall be immortal."

"What laws are you talking about? Oklahoma laws?"

As this was going on, Billy Clyde was squirming in place, still trying to look like he was getting closer, and I noticed Johnny Ray and Bubba Dean trying to disappear out the front door.

"Stop there!" I cried, pointing in their direction.

"You two shall become the apostles of Billy Clyde."
I could see the blood drain out of their faces, which is pretty amazing since both of them had permanent blood-shot eyes from the large amounts of beer they had put away at Kelly's over the years. They did stand still, though, and I almost choked holding back the laughter.

Turning back to Billy Clyde, I bellowed, "No, my son. THE Laws. The Ten Commandments. From the moment I touch you, you will no longer be able to drink, swear, cheat, steal, or any of the other things God commands you not to do."
With that, all three of my best friends ran screaming out the front door of Kelly's and into their pick-ups. I could hear Bubba Dean yelling, "Who the hell wants to live forever if you can=t have any fun?"

As they were trying to start their trucks and drive like hell away from salvation, some of those little demon guys popped over their trucks and started flying around, banging into the windshield and grinning viciously. I think all three of the guys fainted, because they never did leave the parking lot, and the little demons disappeared after blowing raspberries back toward the bar and giggling. Their giggles sounded an awful lot like those Nymphs and Fairies back on the island.

I made a note in my thinking pile to thank Merlin and the Gang for allowing me to have this much fun after all the hard labor they had commanded of me. The only thing that would have been better than torturing my friends was Lana finally giving in to her desires for me.

I thought it should be time to disappear again, but apparently whoever was up there letting me have all this fun had decided the fun wasn't over yet. That was when Harley, the town bad-ass, walked up to me. I almost flinched, cause Harley had pretty much beaten up everyone in town at one time or another, including me. Then I remembered I was Jesus Christ.

"Uh . . . Jesus?"

"Yes, my wayward Lamb?"

"I'd like the job, if that"s okay with you."

"You?" I almost swallowed my tongue before I remembered that I was supposed to be a returning messiah who loved everyone. "Er . . . well, why? You must state what's in your heart for all to hear, my son."

"Well, Mr. Jesus, Sir, I have been trying to be a better person for five years now, but nobody will let me. All the folks here abouts won't give me a chance. I know now that burning down the flour mill and getting them Bradley triplets pregnant when they were only fourteen was probably not the best way to get ahead in the world, but I have changed. I only beat someone up now when they don't give me any choice. A man can only take so much talk before he has to take matters into his own hands, right? And I would be willing to stop stealing if someone would just give me a job. I would be willing to give up the evils of drink and find me a girl to marry and never lie or steal or nothing if you just give me the chance. Please Mister Jesus, I promise I'd do you proud."

At the end of his little speech he fell to his knees, grabbed my leg, and begged and sobbed quietly. Ain't being God fun? I had always wanted to reduce Harley to tears since he had done the same to me after school so many times.

"You realize, Harley, that not only would you have to give up all your evil ways, but if you violate your oath to God, then your claim on immortality would be gone forever and when you die an old and broken man, you would go straight to Hell to burn in its fire for eternity."

"No problem. Just make me your Apostle here in front of everybody and I will do only good for the rest of my long life. I swear on my last beer. Or I can slit my wrist and give you the Indian Blood brother oath if you want. Your choice Mr. Jesus. I will do anything!"

"I think we will stick to you swearing on your last beer, Harley. Kelly doesn't want blood all over the bar and my father gave up blood sacrifices millennia ago." I figured that would be a strong enough oath since it really would be his absolute last beer that he was swearing on.

I was attempting to think up some suitably flowery speech to induct Harley into God's Hall of Fame when Eileen walked up to Harley's side and took his shaking hand.
She looked at me and said, "Mr. Jesus, Sir, iffin it's okay with Harley, I'd like to be his wife and help him do God's work for the rest of my life. I've loved him forever, and he's always begged me to marry him, but I told him he had to change his ways before I'd even consider it. Looks like he's changed his ways, now."

"God always smiles on love, my daughter, but you have to understand what this means. If you do this, you will have to follow all the same commandments and laws that Harley is sworn to. No more drinking, carousing, and definitely no more asking men to move beer kegs. Except for Harley, of course."

This seemed to really cinch me as Jesus for Eileen, cause she started crying and saying, "I'm sorry, Jesus. Tell God I didn't know he was watching."

"I will, my child, and as long as you change your ways, all will be forgiven." Now she was down on her knees next to Harley, sobbing and hanging onto my other leg.

This was getting ridiculous.

I looked down at Harley and asked if he wished to marry Eileen. His eyes lit up and he shook his head up and down, too emotional for words, I guess.

"Well, then let's have us a wedding," I thought. I had to do it, even if I didn't personally think either of them had a chance in Hell of making it for longer than a week. So I laid my hands upon their head and gave them my best speech yet.

"Blessed are those who have fed upon my Lambs and find their way back to me, their hunger slaked and their hearts willing once again to follow the proper path. Arise and go forth as Children of God, Blessed of the Savior. Preach God's good word and deliver those you can from evil. Go forth and do only good, be kind and patient, speak only in riddles and bring happiness to those around you.

Remember my son, judge not lest you be judged and start upon your path to grace by going over to the Hunter residence and cleaning up the mess the tornado left there. Be not surprised that no one is home. Just go about your work in secret and make sure you do a good job. I now pronounce you Apostle and Wife."

Harley didn't even seem to notice this last part. He had focused on the one thing in my pretty speech that I didn't want him to question.

"Jordan Hunter's place? Christ, do you know how long it would take to clean up all the messes left by that slob? Oops, sorry"

"It is a test of your willingness to obey God. We will be watching"

"I'll help you Harley," piped in Eileen. "I love house cleaning. I can get a couple of the girls to help."

Harley and Eileen turned toward the door and shuffled out, Harley mumbling something under his breath about "Hunter slobs." My friends in the sky must have been watching, cause right about then a loud thunderclap sounded and lightening bolts pelted the parking lot, making Harley squeal and jump about three feet off the ground.

"Yes, God . . . anything you say God . . .," Harley started whispering.
A bright glow appeared to be surrounding his head as he walked out the door. The rest of the regulars just watched with their mouths wide open and beer dribbling down on their overalls.

I looked around the bar, thinking maybe I had time to order a quick beer and maybe a burger, when I blinked out again. After a few more brief appearances as the Holy Son, I finally found myself back in Charon. I was ready for my pat on the back for doing such a good job after they tricked me. And Lana fawning all over me would be nice too. As usual, I was a little disappointed.