Chapter 26 - There's No Place Like Home

I woke up on Tuesday, lying in my own bed with Digger licking my face, dog slobber running down my chin. What a glorious feeling. I was so happy Digger had survived. I ran downstairs and out onto the porch to see what the property looked like. Last time I had seen it was from the top of a tornado, and I was finding it hard believe it had suffered so little damage. I ran like a crazy man around to the back of the house in my underwear, making sure Betty was okay. I breathed a deep sigh of relief when I saw her sitting right where I had left her. My bright shiny plane was waiting for me to take her and fly off into the clouds.

I ran back into the house, because it was only thirty-five degrees out and I was freezing my balls off, and jumped into a hot shower. It was heaven, after three days of craziness. I closed my eyes and let the water stream over my body, easing all those sore spots I had acquired during my adventure. I was wondering where they all were right now and how long it would take them to find another habitable world, still happy that I had stayed right here. It wasn't until I was shutting off the shower that I was awake and coherent enough to really notice my surroundings.
The faucets were sparkling shiny silver, and for a moment I wondered if maybe I was in the wrong house, (which would be really embarrassing) because my faucet handles had always been covered with a bumpy white crust. I glanced around the rest of the bathroom and noticed that the floor and shower tile were all white. I had thought the floor was brown all my life, and the shower tile had always been green. This was starting to scare me, until I remembered Harley was told to clean the house.

I guess he was serious in his wanting to be a servant of G.O.D., because after I got out of the bathroom, I had time to look around. My whole house looked better than it ever had before. The floors were clean. All the dishes were washed and put up in cabinets that didn't have dust bunnies the size of small poodles on and under them. This was great, a fair trade after all for the crap they put me through. I thought I might just have to hire Harley permanently. I never knew he had a maid's touch.

I had planned on wearing the clothes and leather duster that I picked up on the mother-ship, but they were nowhere to be found. Sitting folded on a chair next to my bed were the clothes I had started this whole adventure in, three days ago, with a note on top. I never could quite understand how they came back to me. They now looked brand new. There were no holes and no smells; they were perfect in every way. My ticket to heaven was still in the back pocket, perfect in every way. It must have been an act of G.O.D, I smiled at the thought. But I couldn't believe he went to all the trouble to claim them from the depths of space where I had sent them. "Oh well, they were as good as anything," I figured, and pulled them on, then stopped to read the note.

It was wasn't much, a quick goodbye from all my favorite aliens and a cryptic comment written in fancy gold ink, about when I decide I want something more from life, that I should click my heels three times while holding Cali and chanting it's time to go home. I didn't get it, I was already in the only home I wanted. Oh well, I thought maybe I will be bored enough to try it sometime just to see what happens as I tossed the note on the bed and continued getting myself ready to go visit Kelly and the boys down at the bar. Wouldn't they be surprised when they found out I was Christ?


I went back into the bathroom, I needed to slick down my cowlick and brush the fuzz off my tongue. I had just stuck a monster gob of toothpaste in my mouth , the kind that bubbles when Digger started growling in the bedroom. I ignored it until this sharp voice came into my mind saying, "Master if you don't remove this mongrel mutt of yours from my esteemed presence, I will have to run him through. Dropping my toothbrush and spewing toothpaste across the floor I ran into the bedroom.

I had forgotten all about Excalibur, how I can't imagine, but there he was propped up in the corner of my room, vibrating to a music all his own. I quickly grabbed Digger and dragged him out of the room so that he would quit trying to eat the sword. I had a feeling the sword would win. Locking him outside I ran back into the room and sat down on the bed. I wasn't ready for any more excitement yet. "What happened Cali, Why did Digger start barking at you."

"Nothing happened Master, I was merely whistleing to myself when your filthy beast came in and started to attack me."

"I didn't hear you whistling Cali,"

"Well it was a very high pitched whistle my lord above the range for human ears."

"If I can't hear it I don't suppose Digger could either but don't do it anymore just in case, You two have to learn to love one another. "

"Me, Love a mangy mutt who files his pedigree papers at the dog pound, I think Not."

"Just do it Cali, You promised you would obey me and I don't have time for this today I have to go see the boys."

"Yes master, I won't torment the creature but I won't love him either."

"Whatever Cali, just play nice. I want everything to stay alive around here."

"You are not going to be any fun at all are you. I figured you were one of those american frontier types from the clothes you had on in the ship. I had always heard that you American had turned into blood thirsty outlaws, killing each other in the streets."

"That's only in the cities Cali out here we just drink beer and try to play with the women."

"Damn, thwarted again, Oh Well, Who are these boys you are going to go see maybe one of them will offend you and I will have to kill him, that would make me feel so much better."

A half formed vision of me unsuccessfully trying to explain a magic sword that talked to my friends left me sweating bullets. I could see them laughing and Cali screaming out war cries. I decided Cali should be left at home.

He started begging as soon as I touched him promising to be good and telling me he was only joking about killing my friends, but I didn't let his pleas deter me from my mission and in no time at all he was locked inside Granny's old steamer trunk and his cries were down to a soft muffle I could ignore for the moment. Then he popped directly into my mind with a very curt, "That was not very polite master! I just wanted to play.I am very bored." before settling down and being quiet.

I breathed a sigh of relief, All I wanted was to get down to the bar and have a drink or three. Maybe I would show the boys Cali later, after he was more in my control. I was beginning to understand why he annoyed Merlin so much. I went back to the bathroom to retrieve my toothbrush, which of course had landed in the toilet. Thank G.O.D. it was a clean toilet so I could still use it. I finished my teeth and slicked the cowlick one last time for luck and headed out into the world.

When I walked back out onto the porch, my eyes nearly fell out of my head. The yard was clean. All five acres of it. I don't think I had ever seen our family yard without three or four rusting vehicles around the house. I would kind of miss them, as they were my jungle gym when I was growing up. Even the pile of broken vacuum cleaners that used to sit on the porch was gone.

I walked down the steps of the porch, noticing that they weren't broken through and warped. It would take a while to get used to walking on them without having to avoid the holes. My yard looked like something out of one of them gardening magazines.

The lawn had been mowed, and even the edges around the fence had been trimmed. I slowly turned around, meaning to head to the side of the house and get into my old reliable '74 Ford pickup, when I was stopped cold. The whole house had been painted the most beautiful blue you can imagine. There were even new shutters on all the windows, and there hadn't been any of those on the house since the tornado of 43, according to Grandpa. I was beginning to think I might have napped a little longer than I thought.

I stood and gawked at the house for a while and then decided I just HAD to get to Kelly's. I wanted the guys to see what you get for helping G.O.D.. I was just rounding the corner of the house when I heard whistling coming from the direction of my pickup. Looking up, I saw Harley finishing up a wax job on my old truck, except I wasn't sure it was ole Whitey. It had a shiny new paint job, and someone had patched all the holes in the fenders.

"Hi, Jordan! Well, what do you think? Looks pretty spiffy, don't she?"

"She looks beautiful, Harley, but did you do all this? How long did it take? Did you do it all yourself?" As I rattled questions at him, he hung his head down kind of doggedly and looked shy. This was a very strange sight to see on the county bully. It gave me a moment to notice the tee shirt he had on. In the middle of Harley's chest was a picture of an angel beating a man to death, which in itself wasn't that strange for Harley. The angel doing the beating, however, not only had wings and a halo over his head, but had Harley's face. I was about to ask him about it when he turned back to Whitey and started buffing the last spot of wax off. Now I could read the back of his shirt and the front made a little more sense . . . I think. The back of the tee shirt said, "I USED TO BE A BULLY. NOW I'M G.O.D.'S BULLY."

"Well, Jordan," he said turning back to me, "I'd like to take all the credit, and I probably would have in my old life. I'm one of G.O.D.'s soldiers now, though, so I can't lie. The guys down at Kelly's gave me some help.

"You're kidding. Those guys? They barely have the energy or ambition to got off the bar stools to take a piss. If Kelly would let them, they'd just pee in their empty bottles and line them up on the bar."

"Well, they weren't real anxious to help, but I persuaded them. Amazing how well my talents can be used for G.O.D.'s work"

This made me a little worried about the guys. They were lazy, but they were my friends. I was hoping Harley hadn't hurt them too badly. Besides, if the guys were out of commission, who was I going to tell my story to? What good is being Christ and saving the world if you can=t brag to your friends about it?

"Er....Harley? What talents are you talking about?" I knew Harley's one and only talent was for beating other people into submission and breaking bones.
Harley kind of chuckled that chilling chuckle of his and turned around to face me.

"They're okay, Jordan. I didn't hurt them . . . too much. Actually, they didn't need too much persuasion after seeing Christ anoint me into G.O.D.'s army. He did, you know, Jordan. I wish you could have seen it. It was beautiful. Christ even married me and Eileen. I have loved her forever and you should see all the nice things people keep bringing to our house since G.O.D. touched me. This being a good guy is okay."

Boy, did I want to tell Harley that I had been there. Right there. But, I wanted my friends to be the first to hear my tale. Besides, if Harley found out Christ was just me, he might undo all the nice things he had done to my house and car. Not to mention roughing me up a bit. I wasn't taking any chances and decided maybe I ought to get going before I let something slip. Grandma always said I lacked a stop sign between my brain and my mouth. Another woman who hid her feelings for me.

"Um...I'm sure it was, Harley. Are you finished with Whitey? I need to get into town. Do you need a lift? I didn't see your motorcycle anywhere."

"Oh. Yeah, I'm done. Thanks for the offer, but the bike's in the barn. I'm not ready to leave, anyway. I still have to finish roofing the back portion of the house. I finished the front, but decided I better get the truck done before you wanted it. I figured you'd be wanting to go to town when you woke up."

"Thanks, Harley," I muttered jumping into Whitey and flipping the key. She purred like a brand new truck. He must have rebuilt the engine, too, cause all those banging and popping noises I had been so fond of were gone. As I backed up, I heard Harley yell to me, "Don't thank me, Jordan. Just doing G.O.D.'s work, as we all should."