Chapter 28 - Eternity in Paradise, Please G.O.D. NO!

Okay, so there I was, safe at home at last in a world I know longer recognized. Sitting on the top step of the porch that didn't sag, sucking down a can of Coors that didn't have refrigerator crud on the bottom of it, throwing sticks at Digger. After the fourth or fifth stick hit him in the head, he decided to move. I was out of sticks anyway and he never was quite the same after being caught in that tornado.

It had been two weeks since the end of my adventure, and I was beginning to get a little bored. Okay, crazy-out-of-my-mind hysterical want to kill something bored. Harley sent someone by every couple of days to see if I needed anything and to take care of any incidental chores around the house, like mowing and stuff. I knew this wasn't part of the deal with Jesus, but apparently Harley wasn't taking any chances.
I tried to engage these people in a little conversation, but all they wanted to talk about was Brother Harley and the good food at the services. I made it to one service, just out of curiosity, but I couldn't bring myself to go back. The food was good, and Harley even waved the cover charge for me, but looking at the juke box just brought back memories and made me miss the good old days.

Even the news was boring. Reports of good deeds and cures and peace get pretty dull after a while. It's nice at first, but news of a famine or war would have been a little exciting. There weren't even any more sports, since they were now considered too competitive and the world had banned anything that made one person seem better than another. We were all equals now, equally boring. Everyone was just being too damned nice to each other. It wasn't natural, or interesting. Though the tax refunds pouring out from the IRS were mighty nice. Now that politicians thought it might be in their interest to be honest and actually do their jobs every one was raking in the money. Especially the churches.

I had quickly decided that there was no point in telling anyone the truth about the Rapture. People would rather believe a good t.v. show than the truth. And the aliens had certainly put on the all-time great t.v. show. Besides, it was probably hazardous to my health, whether they believed me or not. I was even beginning to wish I had gone with the colonists. It s not like they sold liquor in Oklahoma or Kansas any more. The boys were talking about starting up the old still Grandpa used during prohibition.

I had taken Cali out a few times and cut through some trees and other things around the farm. That was fun for a while, but soon lost its appeal. It was a real drag not being able to show Cali to the guys. I probably could have made up some story for having this sword, if I could count on Cali to keep his mouth shut. It's hard to think of a logical explanation for a talking sword, and I quickly learned why Merlin had thrown Cali out the airlock. I don't know how he stood it for as long as he did.
Having someone to talk to about my adventure, (even if it was only a sword), was great at first. But then Cali wouldn't shut up about Mordred and Lancelot and that whole bunch. It was driving me nuts. The last straw was when he started complaining that he needed a real battle and real blood.

I didn't take him too seriously until I caught him trying to coax Digger into the bedroom one day. That's when I put him in the large storage freezer on the back porch. I told him he couldn't come out until he learned to behave, and at least I couldn't hear his mouth running, with the freezer lid closed. This morning I took him back out of the freezer and after his shivering and complaints died down I held him in the air and clicked my heels three times chanting it's time to go home over and over again,

Nothing happened except for Cali telling me I looked like an idiot and would I please consider getting him a new master that isn't crazy. I put him back in the freezer. Don't know what I had been expecting but anything would have broken up the monotony of my days. Hell I didn't even have any reason to fly Betty anymore now that the crops were all weed and bug free from all the new technology, not to mention the new topsoil.

I watched Digger wander back and forth across the lawn sniffing at rocks and barking at things only he could see. After sucking down my last drag of beer I tossed the empty can into the yard with a yawn, (what the hell, the next guy Harley sent over would pick it up), and stood to go inside and grab another. That was when the one and only bush in my yard suddenly burst into flames.

Now, normally this would have been okay with me. The bush was more like an overgrown weed, anyway. But, after all the G.O.D. stuff I'd been through, burning bushes were not something I was real happy about. I thought maybe if I just ignored it, it would burn out and go away. So I kept walking for the door, trying to escape. I guess I really knew it was more than just a burning bush, but you can't blame me for hoping. Must have been a delayed reaction to that clicking heel thing. I never did know when to leave good enough alone.

The closer I got to the door the heavier the air around me became. It was worse than walking uphill against a Kansas wind. It felt like I was trying to navigate through swamp mud, carrying weights. I came to a stop one step from the door, my leg frozen in mid step and my arms unable to move my hands any closer to the door. I struggled against the force for as long as I could, but in the end, I had to turn around. The bush was still burning, but I was able to regain control of my body by moving away from the door and closer to the bush. Any other direction just started the whole mud walk over again. Then, the bush spoke.

"Jordan, come to me," boomed through the atmosphere around me, nearly throwing me to my knees as it reverberated through the ground around me. I was beginning to get scared. The G.O.D. computer had never done anything like this before. At least not without the mothership.

I decided I might as well get it over with and walked, while I still could, over to the bush. Upon closer examination I decided it was pretty cool. The bush was burning away, but you could see the bush through the flames. It wasn't burning up or nothing. I could see why ole Charlton Heston liked the effect so much. Only thing is, I bet his clothes never caught on fire when he got too close. The sleeve of my favorite flannel burst into flames, scaring the shit out of me. Literally.
I ran toward the horse trough, even though they tell you not to run when you catch on fire. Yeah, right. Like if your shirt was burning off of you, you wouldn't go jump in the nearest water. Poor Digger. That damn dog just couldn't get out of my way and I brushed his tail with my arm as I was waving it back and forth and it went up like an old hay bale. It' a good thing dogs don't need their tails for balance, like cats do.

Anyway, I jumped into the trough, fearing for my life. As soon as I had the fire out and was breathing a sigh of relief, I was picked up out of the trough and went flying through the air, landing right back in front of that bush. My shirt wasn't even burned, but I kept my distance this time, just in case.

"What's wrong, Jordan? Don't you trust me? I got you back here, didn't I?" boomed the voice. I was pretty sure I had a good idea what was going on, but I decided I better check things out and make sure someone wasn=t just pulling a fast one on me.
"Who are you?" I demanded.

"Can you not tell who I am? Is not every particle of your being shivering in delight at my presence?" Now that he mentioned it, I was shivering, but I thought that was just from the wet clothes.

"I am God!"

"Not you again. I thought you were gone," I said, breathing a sigh of relief. It was just my favorite troublemaking computer.

"No, not that G.O.D. THE God!" the bush bellowed in time with lightening strikes toppling trees as they danced around the farm.

"Yeah, right. I am supposed to believe that. I mean Merlin and Goliath and them have been looking for you for a really long time, and now you're talking to me?"

"They tend to work better when I leave them alone. I was planning on making everything happen just like it says in the Bible, myself. But they were doing such a good job of spreading the word, I figured I wouldd just let them keep on spreading"

That's so cruel. And so damn funny. I laughed at the thought of Merlin=s face if he had heard that. "But why are you talking to me?"

"I have been watching you, Jordan. You performed well in my absence and I feel you deserve a reward, so I am granting you immortality. You, along with those you anointed, will be a new group of prophets who will never grow old. You will be the eternal proof of my existance"

At this point my stomach was rolling and rolling at the thought of being bored for millennia.

"It has been interesting being involved in worldly affairs these last few days. Something I have not done in ages. So, I have decided to change my ways and get truly involved with my followers again, the way they keep asking me to. And you, Jordan, will be my right hand man - my new Messiah. You will help me fight evil and grant prayers. It is an honor I have not granted any soul since that of my son."

"Fuck, no! Are you nuts?" I screamed, unable to even envision my life as a helper to God. then I remembered who I was talking to.

"Uh, sorry God. I've had enough adventure to last me three lifetimes. I like bored. I like death. I am sure heaven is much better than being alive forever. I just want to sit here and throw sticks at Digger, drink beer, and be a normal man."

At this the burning stopped and a light wave appeared in front of me. God was now the shimmering outline of good looking man in his mid thirties sitting on the back of a spectral Harley Davidson. He looked deeply into my eyes and I knew that this was the real thing. My mind started reeling off information that I hadn't remembered for the last two decades.

Everything was sucked out in a mere moment of time. I couldn't have moved at that moment even if the whole world was on fire. I felt great love and happiness while he was invading my mind. I wanted him there forever and I physically lurched towards him when he withdrew.

"If you consent to follow me and be my Messiah, you can have this," he said with a wave of his hands. Instantly, the woman of my dreams appeared before me. She was completely nude, of course. Okay, I know I said this a time or two before, but this woman was a combination of Lana, Amy, and that Amazon chick in the cave. My tongue fell to my chin and I began dripping saliva onto the front of my shirt. My hard-on was instantaneous and painful. Just as I was about to whip it out and impress this woman, she disappeared. Of course.

"See, Jordan. The perks you get when you work for me are the best. Who else offers women and everlasting life?"

"No, I don't think it's a good idea," I said fumbling to get everything situated back in my pants. "That last job did me in. I want to stay home a while and relax. Why don't you come back in a couple of weeks, maybe I'll be bored enough to join you then?"

"How about this, Jordan? I will put you somewhere to think about it and when I need you, I will call."

"How will I know it's you, God?" I asked.

"Do not worry Jordan, you will know."

The world started spinning around me once more and a tornado appeared in the sky from nowhere. I felt like Dorothy as I watched my house and everything else I owned spinning circles around me. I grabbed good ole Digger as fast as I could and kept my eyes on Betty. She was going into the tornado, too, and I was really hoping she didn't run into me. I wish God didn't have to be so dramatic and would just blink me somewhere like Jeannie did to Major Nelson in that show years ago. I guess I should have gone willingly.

I might have fainted, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I buried my face in Digger's nasty smelling fur and the next thing I knew, I was face down on the ground, spitting leaves.

I opened my eyes and guess where I was. Right in the middle of that damned clearing again, watching Digger chase Nymphs in circles and bark at the large group of Fairies that were flying over them and giggling. Behind me was my house, sitting pretty as you please, at the edge of the clearing. I could see Betty, bent and crumpled, in the treetops.

"Shit!" I screamed. It looked like he meant for me to stay here for a while, this time.

"Okay, God. What am I supposed to do now? I can't fly home thanks to what you did to poor Betty. Playing with the Nymphs and Fairies will sure be fun, but that'll take a whole fifteen minutes. What do I do then?" I asked the air around me. "And where's the woman?"

Suddenly a palm tree burst into flames. You would think he would get tired of that trick, but he must like fire. Maybe God was a pyromaniac. A voice boomed out at me from the fire.

"Well, Jordan, until I need you, there are plenty of things you could do. The G.O.D. computer needs help answering all the email for the website. You could help him flag down the really important prayers that I should look at. His idea of what is important is not always perfect."

"Then there are the Trolls, who need a strong leader. My Fairies have not had a real person to talk to on a regular basis for years. You can teach them what life is like now in the real world. If nothing else, you can always write a book. There have not
been any good books written about me lately. I think I need to expand upon my ten commandments. You can help with that too. I need someone to hand carve them. They always look more authentic that way."

My mind was reeling as he went on and on, listing all the things I needed to do. So much for loafing on the porch and throwing sticks at Digger. Having the computer at my command might me fun. Ole Hal and I can go looking for people to torment. I wasn't paying attention until I heard,

"As for the woman, she will show up eventually. You need to learn patience, they say it is a virtue. Well, get yourself settled in, Jordan. I will get back to you after I finish some work in another quadrant of the universe. There are these evil snake demons trying to take over one of my planets and I need to cast them back into the real Hell. And remember Jordan - some things were here before the aliens."

I never saw him leave but I heard the roar of the Ghost Harley as he sped off into the sun. I walked slowly up the porch steps, surrounded by flitting Fairies and giggling Nymphs, directly to the kitchen and to the fridge and grabbed myself another beer, wondering what he was talking about with things older than the aliens. Then I carried the beer back to my room where I thought maybe I could go to sleep and wake up back in Oklahoma.

She was the first thing I saw when I walked into the room. There in my little twin bed was the woman, fast asleep with the sheet pulled up over her naked shoulders. She looked beautiful and innocent in her slumber. Slowly I laid myself down next to her, squeezing close and cuddling her bare back.

She woke briefly, situating her body even closer to mine. Then she spoke in a lilting English accent. "Thank you Jordan, for releasing me from the sword. Now I am yours forever."

I fell asleep that night with a smile on my face and a prayer of thanks in my heart, snuggling next to my perfect woman, Cali, the lady of the sword. As I drifted into dreamland, her voice echoed in my ears.

"No more locking me in the freezer, okay?"