Chapter 8 - Dreams & Dirty Underwear

Life was good. Grandpa was sitting at the table, mindlessly gumming the thick porter-house steak I had burnt to perfection out on the grill. Faithful Digger was belly-up in front of the fireplace lounging in a way only a dog can. My fourteen beautiful Nymph wives were standing around the living room, patiently and quietly awaiting my next command, while I sat in my new black leather recliner, flipping through the channels on the big screen t.v. I heard Lana=s sultry voice calling me from the upstairs bedroom. I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, desperate for her, little Naked nymphs following in my wake.

Lana was waiting for me in the bedroom, wearing one of them black leather girdle looking things with fishnet stockings and black stiletto heels. My, did she look fine. Her breast were falling over the top of her outfit, glistening with baby oil and begging to be licked. A whip appeared in her hand as she started towards me, and she cracked it loudly against the floor. I backed up, trying to escape, and was captured by the Nymphs, who dragged me to the floor, climbed on top of me ripping off my clothes. This was getting good. Once they had me stripped and spread out on the floor, they held down my arms and legs, leaving me at the mercy of my dear, sweet, domineering Lana.

She was now dressed in her Saturday night specials: tight Wrangler jeans that looked painted on, and a red, checked, western shirt with them little pearl buttons opened all the way to her belly button. The boots she had on were pretty nifty, too. I kind of wanted to get a closer look, but it was impossible to move with those Nymphs and Fairies
crawling all over me.

Lana smiled lovingly down at me and started to unbutton her jeans, sliding them down her thighs. Once they reached her ankles, she stepped out of them seductively, and my sex G.O.D.dess kicked off her boots, one at a time. The first made a beautiful arc over my body. She was having trouble getting the second one off, until she gave it a great kick, sending it flying right into my balls. The world spun, and pain shot through my body like a Mack truck.

I woke up, my balls on fire. It took me a second to realize that the little Nymphs all over me had really been Lana, who was sprawled carelessly on top of me. Normally I would have found this to be enormously exciting, but she was sound asleep with her knee jammed into the one part of my body I don=t like things jammed into. I couldn=t help myself, but I had to get her off me and quick, before my balls were useless for life. I rolled over, trying to get her knee out of my goodies. How was I supposed to know she would fall off the bed?

"Son of a bitch!" she cried, sleepily. "What the hell are you doing?

"That's what I was planning on asking you," I replied, tears running down my cheeks, my voice quivering with pain. "I don't care if you want to jump my bones, but could you please be a little more gentle with the jewels? At least give me a little warning before you start the kinky stuff. By the way, you look really good in black leather." I wasn't sure if I should mention the small pieces of olives I could see in her hair or that splotch of peanut butter on her shirt, spreading nicely over her left breast.

I think it made her feel good, being complimented and all, because she was speechless and could only leave the room, blushing. She probably felt a little guilty, too, having hurt me like that. My nuts were beginning to feel a little better now that the swelling was starting to go down. This made me realize I really needed to drain the lizard. Even after the abuse, my little buddy was still a bit stiff, so I had a minute or two to look for the can. Since there was only one other door nearby, besides the one marked engine room, I guessed that was it.

It sure was a small john. I could barely get in and had to stand on top of the toilet to close the door, but it had lots of shiny shelves, even the toilet was shiny metal. I sorta always wondered what happened when you flushed in outer space and this was my chance to find out. After pissing for what seemed like forever, I pushed the button above the small metal toilet. Since it was the closest, I figured it must be the flush button.

I was right, and as the funny looking blue water started to swirl around, I ran to the little window to watch my pee take a trip in space. I stood there for 10 minutes and never saw a thing. I was really disappointed, but I guessed they
probably ran the pipes all the way to the back of the ship and made it come out there. Or maybe they just carried it around in a container like they do in mobile homes and airplanes. Who can tell with aliens?

There wasn=t much else in the bathroom beside a small, one person shower stall behind the door or at least I was thinking that is what is was. It looked like a shower but there were no handles to turn the water on, just another button in the middle of the wall. I couldn=t even figure out where the water came out of. Since there was only one way to find out if this was shower and I was filthy and smelly,

I stripped off my disgusting clothes. It really hurt when I ripped off my shirt which had stuck to my chest. I didn't have much chest hair before, and now there was a ring of hairless skin where the smelling salts had spilled. I stepped into the
box, closed the door, and with my naked body full of hope pushed the button on the wall waiting for the blessed feel of hot water pouring over me. Nothing happened. I was just about ready to give up and walk out when I heard a strange hum and all the skin on my body started vibrating.

The dirt encrusted on my skin started jumping off of it=s accord. This was definitely not a shower like I knew and loved. Then a stream of hot air rushing poured over me with such force that it felt like sand trying to scour the skin off my body. I was out of there in a flash.

I admit I was much cleaner than when I went in, and it probably did save on water, but it wasn't what you'd call a pleasant experience. I think I'll stick to real water showers and Jacuzzi's filled with women. Cleanliness may be next to G.O.D.liness but this G.O.D.'s shower sucked.

After my so called shower I glanced around to see if I had missed anything, but there didn't seem to be anything else interesting in this bathroom, not even a dirty magazine or condom dispenser. I decided it was a good thing I still had that trusty Trojan I had been carrying in my wallet since eighth grade, for good luck. I was a Boy Scout and they taught me to always come prepared. With that happy thought in mind, I put my smelly old clothes back on and started to stroll up to the front of the plane to find out what my Lusty Lana was doing.

I didn't make it very far before the smell and stiffness of my dirty clothes rubbing against my clean skin started to make me queasy, and I decided I really needed to change my clothes. Between the smelling salts and the peanut butter sandwich in the chest, even I couldn't stand the stink anymore.

Since I hadn't had time to pack before dying, I started hunting around for something clean to put on. After going through just about all the drawers in the place, I found one in the kitchen with some sheet-looking things in it and pulled them out. "These alien guys sure were small." I thought. This thing was barely going to cover my ass, which got me thinking about Lana. I knew she could use a change of clothes too.

I went back into the little bedroom and peeled off my old clothes. After I had arranged the sheet thing on my body, I admired myself in the mirror. I kind of looked like one of those guys in those old movies with the Roman fighting in the big stadium, only my butt was much cuter in this thing. Lucky Lana might get a chance to see it too, cause my underwear was just a bit too ripe to keep wearing and there weren=t any drawers included with this outfit.

The big brass diaper pins that held it together were a bitch to fasten. I must have poked myself four or five times, but the little red dots made a nice pattern around the pin. I cinched my belt around my waist, making my little beer gut pouch out perfectly.
(I hadn't grown a real beer belly yet like Pa's, but I was trying.) The cowboy boots were definitely the finishing touch.

I took another of the sheets and a pin up to Lana, thinking this was really gonna drive her over the edge and back into bed with me. What woman wouldn't fall into my arms when she saw me in this outfit? It was great for showing off my manly, hairy legs and the rippling muscles in my chest and arms.

Since no amount of Tide or Downey was ever going to make my old clothes smell clean and fresh again in this lifetime and I couldn=t find a trash can, I thought I would send them out to meet the loaf of bread. I stopped back by the kitchen and laid the nasty clothes on the shelf the bread disappeared from, pushed my favorite button, and headed for Lana, dreaming of my dirty shorts drifting through space for eternity.

This thought made me run up the hallway, hoping I could get to the flight deck in time to see my clothes float by the camera. I could have watched through the little port but I wanted to see it on the big screen. I burst through the hatchway into the cabin, tripped over the carpet, and landed on my face at Lana=s feet.

"What now, idiot? Get up and don't touch . . . hey, are those your clothes floating by?"

"Damn, I missed it!"

"Jordan, what the hell have you got on?"

I tried to explain to her about how bad my clothes smelled, what with the peanut butter and all. And how after my shower, which was painful, I couldn=t stand to wear them again. I thought she would appreciate how well I cleaned up, not to mention how good my legs looked. But by the time I was standing, she was laughing again and waving me off with her hand. I was hurt by her display but plowed right on about how she needed to change, too, because that peanut butter stain on her shirt seemed to be spreading. I was nice enough to point this out to her by tracing the stain with my finger. She slapped me again, of course, but not quite as hard this time.

I know she liked my new outfit. I guess she just couldn't stand the heat my animal magnetism created, because she sent me out of the room, telling me that as long as I was in this skimpy little outfit with my ass hanging out, I was not allowed on the bridge. She also told me that I had better find something else to wear before we arrived on Charon, or else.

I was touched by the fact that she noticed my ass, and I was thinking pleasant thoughts as I left the room about how I would show up naked for docking, since that was the only other option available.

I was pretty bored during the rest of our trip, since I didn=t have anything to do until we reached Charon. There weren=t any more rooms with cool buttons to push, except the engine room, and even I know better than to play with the engines. Every time in my life I have even gotten near an engine, it has blown up or never worked again. I might like the idea of my shorts drifting forever through space, but I didn't want to a be human popsicle, floating through space for eternity.

Lana continued to demonstrate how much she really wanted me in a very subtle fashion. She would do little things like brush her breasts against me every time we passed in that small hallway, or when she would come looking for me. She claimed she was just making sure I hadn't screwed anything else up, but I knew she just wanted to be near me and wasn't able to admit it.

She even finally put on the clothes I brought for her and I must say she cut a mighty fine figure in that skimpy piece of cloth. I knew she was wearing it just for me. Too bad she never came back to sleep with me again during the many naps I took to keep my strength up. If this space plane had a satellite hookup and a big screen t.v. that showed anything but the stars, it would have been perfect, and I could have just flown around space for the rest of my life.