Chapter 9 - My First Real Live Alien

"Far out! It's my turn," I thought as Lana's beautiful voice rang through the intercom, telling me it was time to land and would I please get my big ass down to the bridge. Told you she noticed my ass. I got up from the bed where I had spent the last few hours catching up on my sleep, rubbed my eyes, stretched, and wished I had a beer. I have found that it is always better to have at least one beer before landing a plane. That way a person didn't get so scared when they saw the ground hurtling towards them. I personally prefer three or four to help me maintain the right mind set.

I momentarily contemplated stripping off my toga like Lana had suggested, but I didn't know who we were going to meet on the mother ship and I didn't want to offend anyone. So I left the toga on and ran back down the hall to the flight deck. This time I didn't trip on the door.

Lana had called me to the bridge just as we were swinging into orbit around Charon. I looked out all the ports expecting to see people, and maybe a 7-11 or something, not just some uninviting piece of icy rock. How was I supposed to pick a landing spot in this mess? I couldn't see a single place to set down something this big.

All I needed was one good, long, flat stretch of land that would allow plenty of room for error. There wasn't any spot that looked inviting from this far up, just bunches of canyons and tall spiky rocks. Making sure my fear wasn't showing, I asked Lana just where she thought I was going to put this bird down. Because frankly, landing here didn't look as easy as I had thought it might be, or as I had hoped.

I thought she must be plumb crazy when she told me that there was only one spot we could land,and I had to hit it just right or my world would end. I don't know why she wanted me to do this; I guess G.O.D. never let her watch me land the Stearman. Like I had ever managed to hit a landing spot perfect in my life! Then I asked her to be a little more specific. I was still kinda hoping there might be a landing strip I hadn't seen yet.

"You'll see," she said with that cute little smirky smile of hers that I had grown to fear. "Just be real careful and don't touch anything for the next ten minutes or so while I plot the reentry course. When I tell you to take over, take hold of the stick and actually follow the little lines on your display this time. They will lead you in and the display will tell you exactly what speed you need to be at any given moment, even inside the planet."

"Inside the planet? Cool!"

"Our life will be in your hands, Jordan, so please pay attention," she begged with those sweet baby browns of hers.

"Don't worry my loveliest Lana," I told her while I was tugging on my toga and cracking my knuckles for good luck. "Hanging onto a stick between my legs is something I do real well and I have the high score on Descent down at Kelly's Bar, so I can pilot through a planet real good too."

She shuddered as I sat down and belted in. I could tell it was from pure pleasure by that slightly green look on her face.

I settled into my chair waiting impatiently for my time to come, wiggling in my seat and thinking about how wonderful this plane was. I was sincerely hoping I would get to keep it when this was all over. Though I would have to find someone to take care of that booster problem. Those rockets the Trolls built were butt-ugly and hell to get out of tight holes. Lana had told me during one of our brief conversations on board that this plane was originally designed to take off by itself but had developed a problem over the intervening millennia that it had sat unused.

I was thinking that maybe J.D. over in Anthony could find a way to fix it. He always told me there wasn't nothing he couldn't fix. This would be his chance to prove it. Hell, I might even talk him into fixing it for free. J.D. is one of them Trekie freaks, so he'd probably fix the plane and my truck at no charge as long I agreed to take him into space whenever he wanted and could afford the fuel. I used to imagine him wearing Dr. Spock's ears when I was paying him my last dollar to fix my truck. A man has to have something to laugh at when he's paying someone sixty bucks an hour to play in the grease.

There I was just sitting peaceful & contented like in my Captain's chair, imagining all the wonderful times I would have with this plane, shen Lana smacked me upside the head, bringing me back to reality with her yells of, "Jordan! Now, Jordan! You need to pay attention now!!!"

I wondered briefly if she was that loud during sex, as I buckled down with my little computer screen and played, follow the little white line. I was at my best when I was flying. I watched that little line carefully this time, slowing down gradually whenever the computer told me to, as we hurtled toward the moon. I knew it shouldn't take very long and I was determined to do it right. I had to make up for that little problem we had on take-off. This was going to be the smoothest landing I had ever made.

Finally I was on a slow glide path, nose first, right into the planet. I was beginning to get a little concerned with the ground coming up to meet me at such a rapid pace. I was convinced we were going to crash and that it would all be over. I was about to scream, "Hold on cause, we're gonna die," when lo and behold, the surface of the planet opened beneath us, leaving a large hole for me to fly into. Which I did quite well, I might add, even without my beer.

My speed was low for all the maneuvering I had to do in and out of the huge stone tunnels we found ourselves in. It was great. Just like playing Descent. I was happily gliding through long straight tunnels, weaving through hairpin turns and having a great time in general. The two major differences were that no one was shooting at me, for which I was grateful, and that I had too follow those little white line instead of my robot buddy. We eventually came to a smooth stop. Well, almost smooth.

I only ran over a few boxes and we were going slow enough by then that it didn't hurt us none. It was merely a little bumpy. I even managed to stop the plane before we ran into the far wall of the cavern. Only by inches, but inches count. Right?

Once the engines had been shut down I unbuckled and stretched, shaking off the tension that had built up within me during the enjoyable but harrowing flight. I pointed my rear in Lana's direction so she could admire it as I stretched.

I don't think she even noticed my display. She simply unbuckled her belt, covered her mouth and emitted this cute little gagging noise as she ran to the hatch, opened the door and lowered the ramp, getting out of the plane as quickly as she could. The bottom of her toga slid up her thighs as she ran out, exposing the most adorable little pink panties for me to view. Well, maybe she did notice my display since she responded with one of her own. You never can tell with women.

Lana had no idea how much I was going to enjoy telling stories about this adventure around Kelly's Bar. I was pretty sure most of my friends weren't the type to be Raptured, so they would still be around to listen. Of course I was still thinking that at some point I would get to go back and it hadn't really clicked yet that it would be a very different place. I finally strolled down the ramp to visit the inside of this moon. All I had left to do was unload the cargo hold and I was done with my part in G.O.D.'s little drama. I figured I would put all my spare time to good use watching Lana while she worked.

After I walked out of the plane I found Lana sitting on the floor, her face ghost white, staring at me like I was a mass murderer or something. I marched over to her and sat down carefully, placing my arms around her shoulders. Lana was shaking almost as bad as my house in the twister, and she didn't even try to move my arm, just snuggled in closer. I knew something must be wrong since she was being so agreeable, and since I am a caring sort of guy, I asked.

"What's the matter, Toots? Don't you like flying inside a moon?"

This caused her to burst into tears, which I wasn't expecting from this woman at all. Lana had always seemed so tough, and then she started babbling. I caught pieces of words as I held onto her. A. . . plane, . . . landing, . . . walls, . . . death, . . . throw up . . . I tried to back away from her on that last one, but she was holding me so tightly I couldn't escape. I was sure her nails were going to leave permanent trenches in my arms and back. Love scars I would call them when telling this story to our grandchildren.

Since I couldn't escape and she wasn't actually heaving yet, I sat there and held her for as long she would allow, enjoying the feel of her in my arms. Lana's whimpering had begun to grow quieter and the shaking had practically stopped when I heard someone screaming from the other side of the room.

"Who goes there? Where are you? I have a gun and I'm not afraid to shoot!"

I held on tighter to Lana, not wanting to let her go. I even moved my arm up a little to cover her ears so maybe she wouldn't hear the voice, but no such luck. She jumped up quickly, yelling at me to get the hell away from her, wiping her eyes and pulling down her toga. She wanted to make herself presentable for the alien, I guess.

I was wondering just what the alien would look like myself as I heard the ominous footsteps coming closer. My mind producing images of grotesque monsters with two heads, six arms and maybe tentacles for feet. I wasn't being a coward when I stood up behind Lana. I figured since she kept telling me how she was in charge, she should be the first one the alien saw.

Boy was I disappointed and more than a little concerned as the man walked around the plane and up to us. I didn't think he looked like an alien at all, more like The Great White Hunter from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. He was wearing a safari outfit complete with Pith helmet. He even had the waxed handle bar mustache and the little white knobby knees sticking out the bottom of his shorts and the biggest bug eyes I ever saw. Most ominous of all was the elephant gun he was swinging from side to side in front of us. His eyes reminded me of those black velvet paintings of the kids with the giant eyes that Grandma had hanging in the sitting room.

After a few minutes of gun waving and giving us the once over, he must have decided we were harmless. Then my first real live alien started talking. In perfectly good English, I might add.

"I say, you aren't who I was expecting. Did G.O.D. send you? Is he ready to go? Why hasn't he called me? I have been waiting for almost fifty years. It is so inconsiderate to tell someone you'll call and then not get back to them. Did you bring me chocolate? Let me look at you. You must be Earthlings, but why are you flying our plane? Is our cover blown? Do we have to escape an evil government that's trying to blow us up? Should I wake the others? You know there aren't many of us left. That Hitler took out so many of our people when we were trying to kill him."

I was amazed that Lana let this man ramble on for so long, but finally she yelled at him to shut up. He was stunned into silence, but only momentarily, before he started in again waiving the gun threateningly.

"You younger generations aren't very polite, are you? Let me look at your teeth and turn around in a circle so I can get a good look at you. Why are you dressed in our table cloths and napkin pins? Is that the fashion now on Earth? I must admit I never thought togas would make a comeback. Always thought they were a nuisance myself. Shouldn't you at least wear underwear if you are going to wear them that short? I mean your butt looks fine, but have you no shame?"

Ooh, yuck! This guy was looking at my butt and it was more than I could stand. I decided it was time for me, the man, to take action.

"Hey buddy," I said in my toughest red neck voice. "Didn't you hear her? She told you to shut up and you best be doing it quickly, because this one is meaner than an old mule with hemorrhoids. She might decide to space you just to get some peace." Then I ducked back behind Lana in case he decided to shoot.

This made Lana laugh and returned her to her normal overbearing self.

"Thanks, Jordan. I needed that," she said, smiling at me. To this I preened and strutted as good as any ole peacock, until she told me to be quiet and go open the cargo hatch so we could start unloading.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

I asked because I was a little scared and wanted to stay close. "I don't want to leave you alone with this lunatic. I mean, him being an alien and all. Maybe they eat humans and G.O.D. just sent us up here for him to dine on. You never know with aliens. I saw this Outer Limits once - "

"Jordan, go. I'll be fine. It was just the ride. I don't like to fly, even in normal planes and that trip into this moon was too much. You go and remove the tie downs from the cargo boxes, and we will be in soon to help you unload, since I don't have a forklift here for you to abuse."

"And you," she said turning back to the alien "quit waving that damned gun in my face!"

I walked back to the plane, but not before threatening the old man with severe bodily harm if he hurt my Lana. I hated leaving her there talking to the old guy without me to protect her. But I felt like I was walking on air. She had let me hold her and said thanks and was even nice to me. Things were moving at a rapid rate, which I needed if I was going to sleep with her before the Rapture.

Arriving at the cargo bay door, I set about trying to figure out how it opened. I looked up, down, and all around where I knew the door was, but I couldn't find any way into the blasted thing. This was getting ridiculous.

"Couldn't they mark these dammed things? Would it really be so hard?" I thought to myself as I smacked the plane next to where the door should have been, with my fist. Imagine my surprise when that door just slid right open. I think G.O.D. designed it that way just to spite me. I could hear him laughing as I tried to massage the pain out of my hand.

I had just finished untying all the crates from their bindings against the cargo bay wall when Lana and the old fart showed up. They were laughing and carrying on, obviously having themselves a good old time while I had been working my fingers to the bone. I was miffed and it showed when I turned to them and complained that it had taken them long enough.

"I was beginning to think you wanted me to do it all by myself while you two sat and chit-chatted," I huffed.

"Now, Jordan, don't be that way," Lana said with a smile. She had clearly recovered from her plane ride. "Not only are we here to help, but we are going to unload all the containers in the cargo bay by ourselves. You won't have to move a single whiny, lazy muscle."

"Yeah, right, Lana. You and that old fogey there are going to move these crates when I couldn't even move one of them without a forklift just yesterday. This I've got to see," I answered her as I leaned back into the side of the plane with my arms folded, waiting to be impressed. I knew there was no way they could manage to unload even one crate without my help, unless this scrawny old alien was a whole lot stronger than he looked.

"Okay, Jordan, watch closely and learn how a smart man unloads cargo. Are you ready Merlin?"

"Yes Ma'am. You want it all in the main control room, right?" asked the smart ass old guy.

"Correct, Merlin. Let's move em out."

I expected some great feat of strength from this puny old guy, but instead he waved his hand and everything just disappeared. My eyes grew wide, and my mouth dropped in astonishment, mixed with a little fear. "This is awesome," I thought at first. Maybe he has magic, like the real Merlin. Then my dearest Lana was laughing again. At me, of course, as I stood there with my mouth hanging open, and I finally understood.

"That's not fair!" I whined to Lana. "He has one of those matter transmitter thinga ma bobbies you were telling me about."

"I know. Isn't it great?" she said, still laughing. "He can bring them back if you really want to move them all by hand. But, the control center is about six miles from here, so it is going to be a long haul."

"Why didn't you do that back at the cave? You could have saved me a lot of work. I'm sure I could have helped you with something else."

"Yes, but then you would have been bothering me while I was trying to work, and you wouldn't have gotten to drive the forklift. You know how much you loved that forklift, so don't try to convince me otherwise. Besides, you were fun to watch and I needed something to break up the monotony."

I was beginning to think that making me look stupid was the major enjoyment of her life. Oh well. At least that meant she was thinking about me some of the time. "Never mind," I grumbled, knowing she was right about the forklift any way. "Well, now that the damn thing is unloaded, where can a guy get some grub around here?" As usual, there was no place close at hand to get food, and rather than zap us all to the kitchen, Lana decided we needed to walk so she could see the rest of the ship and have time to talk to Merlin before she got down to work. Like I really needed that six mile walk, just for food. I would have made myself a sandwich at the ship to munch on along the way, if they had warned me, but no. That would have been too kind and made too much sense. We had to wander corridor after corridor looking at artifacts and listening to Merlin go on and on
about the history of his people, G.O.D., and God.

It seems they were the first ones to truly discover God. All the stuff in the Bible actually happened on their planet, Eden. They even have the bones of Christ to prove it, or so Merlin claimed. Supposedly, the body of Christ is enshrined in a crystal tomb back on Eden. A relic left on a deserted, bombed out planet where no one lives. For that matter, no one can even get close to it without heavy radiation gear. I guess that is one way to keep people from going and checking out their story. My Aunt Edith says she has a piece of the true cross in a little plastic vial. She bought it through one of those ads in the back of the comics. I always thought it looked like a toothpick, but who am I to judge?

Merlin's people advanced along the same path of technology as Earth, only they had been further down that technological path when disaster struck them. There was a major nuclear accident on their planet, which laid waste to most of the planet and almost all of the general population. Merlin told us that out of a population 5 billion only about 10,000 people survived and they were left sterile by the radiation that covered their planet.

Having learned the error of their ways and being unable to ever again repopulate their planet, they decided that the way to atonement was to go out into space to help other worlds discover the God that they had failed. They did this by forcing the native populations of primitive planets to relive the alien's past history.

I was thinking, "They just wanted somewhere new to play since they trashed their own planet," but decided to keep this to myself. There was no telling what alien powers this Merlin might have. Those who survived worked together to built special ships to help them travel the stars and fitted each one out with it's own G.O.D. computer. The computer was supposed to help them on their mission and monitor their success.

When they were done, these last 10,000 Edenites traveled 1,000 to a ship to new and very primitive planets at the outer edge of the galaxy to recreate the discovery of God and Christ for the natives. They each took turns acting out the great people of their own history. In short, they got to be gods. The gods of the Indians, the gods of Olympus, the gods of the Vikings, the gods of, well . . . you get the idea.

With their superior technology, they were able to make stupid apes like us believe anything. Merlin said his favorite part was pretending to be Apollo and flying across the sky in his chariot of fire. There were even those renegades like Hitler who decided they could rule the world. They could have, if they had been allowed. Hitler was killed of course, but Merlin told us that there were a few others of his race that had been seduced by the human version of power.

He didn't seem to be too interested in telling us who the other crazies in his group were. Not that I blamed him for that. I wasn't too sure I wanted to know. I guess it's fair to say that while we truly did make our history, they always picked our Gods and we followed them down the garden path, believing whatever they told us. They thought their work was done once they had established the Roman Church, but they weren't ready for human ingenuity.

It seems on their planet there was only one version of Christianity, not the 300 differing groups that we humans created. Merlin said that for the last 2,000 years they had been barely able to keep up and to keep us from destroying ourselves. If we just hadn't killed Christ, things would have been okay.

On Eden, Christ got married, had kids, and lived to be a very, very old wise man whom people went to when they needed to ask special favors of God, or just for advise. The aliens weren't prepared for the level of violence that we humans live by. Or at least that's what Merlin was spouting.

The way I saw it, if they hadn't been meddling, we wouldn't have had near as many holy wars and as for violence - at least we hadn't turned our world into a nuclear wasteland. Yet.

My stomach was growling loudly by the time we made it to the dining room, and Merlin's story had been reduced to "Wah Wa Wah Wa ," in my ears. You know, like how all the grownups speak on Charlie Brown. I no longer cared who did what to whom. I was happy just knowing that the God of my childhood really did exist. Even if no one had seen him in over six thousand years.